Things you never learned but which you wished you had

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
I once had a girlfriend, we went to a party and there was this lad there (same age as me) who could play the old Joanna something fierce, he could even play Harlem Stride style. Needless to say I was dumped toot sweet. I always wished I could play the piano like him, no chance as I'm as musical as a house brick.
 

Kirkz

LE
Book Reviewer
I wish I'd learned to actually finish som
 

Nobody

RIP
RIP
Very probably. He flies them. I operate them.
Prob have a point there. Lardbeast's first actions on entering flightdeck:

"Riiight...what can I use as an ashtray?"
 

Nobody

RIP
RIP
There's nothing questionable about crocs. They're gay as. Friggenmorfies wear them.
Our tame saffer would apparently beg to differ and has quite strong opinions on the lack of viscosity of sperm amongst none-wearers of said footwear.

He's a f*cking lunatic.
No wonder Africa is in the state its in!
 

Tool

LE
Our tame saffer would apparently beg to differ and has quite strong opinions on the lack of viscosity of sperm amongst none-wearers of said footwear.

He's a f*cking lunatic.
No wonder Africa is in the state its in!
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It’s my wife’s funeral tomorrow, so this afternoon, while son was cleaning the gaff, I decided to iron some shirts for tomorrow - daughter’s at work.
Shirts for self and son, no problems.
When it came to daughter’s blouse, it dawned on me that in all my life I have never had to iron a female’s blouse, nor have I ever learned how to!
Hell’s teeth, there are all sorts of sticky-out pieces - I’m told they are called darts - curvy bits, etc.
Needless to say I made a right horlicks of it, so I’ve handed it off to a neighbour who’s dealing with it.
What a time to discover a learning deficiency.
Reminds me of the time I had a lodger who worked at Sainsburys. She was running late for work one morning, and as I'd just come off shift, I offered to iron her work blouse for her. I box-pleated the fcuk out of it. You could've shaved with the creases. "What the fcuk have you done with my blouse? I can't wear THAT!" She made me press out all the creases so as to avoid mucho finger pointing around the Deli Counter. A fcuking tragedy it was... pressing out a veritable art form.
 

Tool

LE
HiD Mk1 had a 3/4 length skirt that had 48 pleats that ran the full length of the skirt. We had a maid who did our housework for us (this was racist b*stard Seffrica). She needed to take a day off, and offered a friend of hers to do our ironing, to which we agreed. The replacement ironed every pleat flat. HiD was not amused. Unfortunately, as a result, I learned to iron that skirt "just in case". I was even less amused, so one thing I learned that I wish I had never.
 
our tame bush pilot has yet to learn this wisdom!

Fuck off! If you can't take the uber het oozing from my ears you can always hide under the bed and suck your thumb.

Ashtray? Bollocks to that. First thing I look for is that the T-handles for the extinguisher are pushed in. Know of a bloke who hopped in, flipped the master and banged out both bottles as the cave dwellers had been doing maintenance and not seated them back in place when done.
 
Morning All,
Sorry, bit long winded but...
Extended family very musically minded particularly brass instruments.
From it's inception the town band has been rammed with male and female cousins, uncles, aunts, includind my father and one uncle who is/was the conductor and recieved an O/MBE(?) for it.
Older sister was an accomplished, self taught guitarist, next older played piano, elder brother dabbled with violin or viola then discovered golf:scratch:...and me who played the fool(no pink oboes).
I would have liked to learnt to play the sax'., if they had one in the town band.
Then I heard the harmonica, bought a cheapy and carried one everywhere in my bag ever since.
Obvious bonus is when travelling. I have seen many foriegners over the years strugglig with rucksack, daysack and guitar or violin case etc., and just laughed. If it survives journey, every time it's taken out in company suddenly everyone's a Hendrix. Nobody asks for a go a harp.
True story, I saw a bloke on Delhi Metro with rucksack and what was a fckn double bass or cello case.
Another travel bonus. In someplaces, not a lot of people have heard one and are intrigued by the sound so I get away with going postal on it
Anyway. In all the years I've carried one and have a toot with it daily, I have never actually learned to play the fckr!
I remember reading John Lennon(?) to Bob Dylan(?). "You actually play that thing, I just blow and suck"(?).
The biggest bonus about it anywhere in The World is...




























...see #5:)
 

Nobody

RIP
RIP
Fuck off! If you can't take the uber het oozing from my ears you can always hide under the bed and suck your thumb.

Ashtray? Bollocks to that. First thing I look for is that the T-handles for the extinguisher are pushed in. Know of a bloke who hopped in, flipped the master and banged out both bottles as the cave dwellers had been doing maintenance and not seated them back in place when done.
Masterclass of arrsery right there.

How can I bloody argue with such an elegantly put statement?!

Hats off. Sir
 
Non iron shirts are for winners.

My condolences for your sad loss.
 
I wish I'd learned who'd be attending funerals in time to organise transport.

I'd have been a much more successful burglar.
 
Then I heard the harmonica, bought a cheapy and carried one everywhere in my bag ever since.
Obvious bonus is when travelling. I have seen many foriegners over the years strugglig with rucksack, daysack and guitar or violin case etc., and just laughed. If it survives journey, every time it's taken out in company suddenly everyone's a Hendrix. Nobody asks for a go a harp.
True story, I saw a bloke on Delhi Metro with rucksack and what was a fckn double bass or cello case.
I've never envied those who have to lug grand pianos and church organs around on the London Underground. Slipping a Horner Blues Harp (or rather four) into one's jacket is far less hassle. Back in the day I used to perform under the name 'Scummy Puddles' and even jammed with the great man himself, Lee Brilleaux (PBUH).

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Bagpipes. Because I'm not annoying enough.
Now idiot that I am, when I started work I spent money on all sorts of crap. One Friday night this 16-year-old tw@t arrived home having purchased a set of bagpipes from a junk shop. You rarely see these places now but this was mid 60s and they were fairly common then . Mum, dad, little shite of a younger bro sat in front room watching the goggle box. Alsatian dog with them. Me, in kitchen, puffing and blowing into the gob pipe for all my life’s worth. A droning sound, rising in intensity quite slowly until I squeezed the bag and a glorious sound emerged from the three pipes over my shoulder like the little man in the shop showed me. A great, blood curling howl came from that big dog, clearly accompanying me on the pipes. Family rushed out, big brute of a dad (6’ 6”) beetroot faced yelling at me to stop. Dog howling like a banshee and I was unceremoniously bundled out the back door and pushed down the steps as the pipes continued their wail. I’d landed on top of the bag. Dog rushed out after me and shot down the long garden into the darkness. Came back half an hour later, still shaking like it did in a thunder storm.

I was trying to play Scotland the Brave.

Next day saw me return to the shop with them. The little man was very kind and gave me my £6 back.
 
but for womens clothing i tend to use a dry cleaner

I use my mate who was in the Royal Marines.

Expert with frocks and blouses, and he'll do anything for a can of 8% lager and a pot noodle.
 

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