Things you dont want to hear........

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by Badwookie24, Nov 1, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Phrases you would rather not hear……

    · We're sending you to 224 Signal Squadron
    · "You know I told you I was over sixteen ? Well..."
    · You've got three weeks to live
    · The Americans will be providing the close air support.
    · You're posted to Tidworth.
    · Your new Troop Sgt has just done P company.
    · Leave is cancelled.
    · Pick up the log.
    · Step off to my timings and my timings only…….By the Front…..
    · Do you accept my award?
    · It's character building……
    · I'm sorry, Sir, but I've had to remove your penis and both your testicles
    · We've always done it that way!
    · You are cordially invited to the 3 Para Mortar Platoon Rohypnol Party
    · My office. Now.
    · Move to Grid 12345678 where the helicopters will pick you up at 0300.
    · Do you have anything planned for leave?
    · It's your turn to blow the blind grenade.
    · OK, integrity question, did you do it?
    · I think it's yours
    · Crack, Crack, Ping, Ping, THUMP.
    · Sunray is down.
    · Breaking into double time
    · Taking you a stage further in your foot drill......... I left you in this position.
    · Reveille 05 early hours and Drill until NAAFI break.
    · Contact, wait..out.
    · Follow me, it's a short cut.
    · Of course the Claymore is pointing away from way are WE pointing ?
    · Good effort lads, outstanding entry drills, but it's the wrong house.
    · Has anyone seen the enemy? Right, You! ... Draw Fire.
    · He's waking up, pass the KY, it's better when they fight back.
    · GAS GAS GAS.
    · The RMP are in the block.
    · You feature rather a lot in the Christmas duty list.
    · I forgot to tell you, I've got herpes
    · You will need this opened umbrella dragged from your piss slit
    · Don't make plans for the weekend
    · The PRE team have just come through the gates
    · You'll get it in theatre
    · Is that it?
    · We're all out of them, fill out all these forms and we will indent for them.
    · There's an Officer in here improperly dressed...
    · It's your round.
    · Too slow, do it again!
    · Standby....
    · CDT are here??
    · ONE! Two, Three, ONE!!
    · Mr Vice...take 5.
    · You're in your own time now.
    · My tea's a salad.
    · Shit rolls down hill.
    · Bug out!!!
    · Standby your beds!
    · You're up first. Now.
    · It's either cancer or penile warts.
    · The RSM wants your feet in his in tray NOW.
    · Tony needs something to whip up voter support and he's decided on another war.
    · Right, lads, this one's a silent breach.
    · Bend over. This may smart a bit!
    · We need a decoy....
    · You shure got a prurty mouth.....
    · If it ain't raining it ain't training.
    · Soldier, I'm the Platoon Commander, I should have the map!
    · Right-ho chaps, I know where we are, follow me!
    · Can you just have a quick look at my 432?
    · More Tea Vicar?
    · Don't worry lads. I was in the RAF you know.
    · Has anyone actually read the manual Sgt?
    · One volunteer required!
    · Just a shandy for me please.
    · All leave is cancelled until morale improves.
    · Iraq? Is that near Catterick?
    · Mmmmm...I think it's time to PVR.
    · You'll like Osnabruck its a great posting?
    · The alert states gone up and we need to double the guard!
    · Remove your canister and take a deep breath.
    · Can I see his Conduct Sheets Sergeant Major.
    · 14 Days Restriction of Privileges, March Out!
    · Open your lockers?
    · Report to the cookhouse…take some gloves.
    · Well, we finished an hour early , and as it's such a pleasant day...
    · AGAI 67...
    · Tony has decided to send troops to the Lebanon on peace keeping duties.....
    · .........using UN rules of engagement........
    · .................with only 2 rounds each......
    · .....................which have to last you the whole tour!
    · Ok lads we've got a choice. Either The US Army air corps A-10's do our close air support ... or its RAF Harriers!
    · Greenie to the pan!
    · Cyprus is cancelled lads. Budget cuts from LAND I'm afraid. However, we managed to get Sennybridge at short notice for April.
    · Do you know you have glowstick on your helmet?
    · We need you to lay this comms line... if you see the minefield you're going the right way...
    · I'm tired, you can finish yourself off...
    · For you Tommy, ze war is over!
    · Sarge, what is this stuck in my gun?
    · Thats no hill, just get up it!
    · Welcome to P Company.
    · If it's not raining, it's not training.
    · Civvy's pay a fortune to do this! you get to do it for free and get paid for the privlage!!
    · Brecon
    · Press-up position...Down!!
    · You've let me down, you've let the Battery down, but above all, you've let yourself down
    · JPA
    · Have you read this book? Brilliant innit?!
    · Otterburn
    · Lower... Raise...
    · You're on stag
    · Prepare to double!
    · Right you cunts, reference that prominent woodline roughly 4km away? I want each of you to bring me a twig from it...
    · DOUBLE!!!!!
    · Incoming!!
    · CRACK....THUMP.
    · This flu you've got ... you weren't in Mexico recently were you?
    · Don't bother unpacking as there has been a change of plan.
    · I'm sorry, I can't find your name on the list.
    · Excellent idea Lieutenant.
    · Sure, take what you need from the stores. We got an excellent deal on Webtex the other day.
    · So, you served twenty years in the SAS, seven as a Royal Marine Commando and fourteen in the Parachute Regiment...?
  2. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer


    Copied straight from Arrsepedia!

    Why did you bother?
  3. Because he's an idiot??
  4. From the Doris this morning at 0645 - " There's a few drips of water coming through the ceiling in the living room but it doesn't look too bad."

    1600 - nice British Gas chaps have just finished replacing the leaking hot water storage tank.


  5. No car today so I've got to get the bus. Hope theres something to have a perv at.

    To the hole!!
  6. Now Now......not nice coming from someone whose name means DICK...LOL

  7. You're an even worse shagger than your your mum and sister told me
  8. LOL, that's a very 14 year old joke. Did your dad tell you that one when he was telling you why you had hair round your bum?
  9. The phrases 'liberal democrats' and 'majority vote' anywhere in the same sentence.