Things to put in a "Morale Boosting" welfare parcel.

I'm about to send a much needed morale boosting welfare parcel out to one of the lads currently on Herrick. So far it includes:

1 x Cliff Richard Cassette - containing such hits as 'Summer Holiday'.
1 x Bus Spotters Monthly, cira 1995 - with such articles as 'Brighton Coach Rally' and 'Volvo and the gas bus'.
1 X Shrewsbury to Swansea bus timetable - cira 2007 and in Welsh (came with the bus mag).
1 x Gay mag, called 'Bent' - featuring Boy George and a fat drag queen.
1 x set of playing cards - with the Euchre deck removed.
1 x Big Mac Meal - That's been shoved through a laminator (It took some doing and I think I fucked the laminator).
Few empty beer cans.
1 x Scarf and bobble hat.

What else could be added?
Its an ideal windup opportunity.
What you could do is send a "Mens Fitness" mag in the 1st package, then as time goes on ramp up the content from "mainstream" to "unomfortabe" to "rampant homo content"
A subscription to 'gay times'
a paddling pool, arm bands and swimming cap
A hat with an umbrella on it
another hat - with the straws and can holders
mark the parcel "another quality gift from the electric cock company"
love beads/dildo/butt plug
empty haribo packets
Might want to include some mittens with the bobble hat. Also some flexible ice cube trays and a padlock with keys that don't fit it.
I once got sent a very nice padlock - with the key brazed into it!

How about a nice paintbrush? cut the bristles off and send them seperately.

Several books, with random pages missing.
Travel Agents' brochures full of discount vouchers that have expired?
(Might need a bit of planning here - to find brochures with vouchers and then wait for the vouchers to expire.)
A Ford Capri gearbox, the mutilated genetalia of a 7 year old caucasian child, 1.3lbs of human dung and a sheet of 9mm laminated door glass.
That's just silly... Have you seen the price for a Capri gearbox these days?


Clearly the tins of gourmet pate and Bath Oliver biccies that I sent out were a total waste...
The Good.
1 Boresnake
2 One a Day Multi vitamins- nothing stronger, their bodies are working hard enough and they do get fed.
3 Electrolyte Sports drinks, eg Sport in Science.
The Bad
1 Some Thriller/Andy McNab type book. Minus the last chapter.
2 Boot Pollish- if receipient is wearing suede desert boots only.
3 Magazines. The People's Friend, This England and anything about railways.
The Ugly
1 Bottle of Anal Lube, lube replaced with decent single malt and the shrink wrapping replaced. Boots do a good one with a pump built into the bottle.
2 Sugary Crap that won't melt- hard bolied sweets, wine gums, etc.
3 Powdered Drinks/ soups that only need hot water and taste a bit different.

Finally, a well written bluey or 20. Chicks love writing them. FREEPOST IF UNDER 2KG! Abuse it now before the post gets cut.
I got a Rolf harris C.D. Really like it now, favourite song is Big Dog
"1 Bottle of Anal Lube, lube replaced with decent single malt and the shrink wrapping replaced. Boots do a good one with a pump built into the bottle."

SB - how do you know this?
Send a photo of his GF naked lying on the bed legs agape, position yourself so your image is in the mirror reflection.

Of course post it on here as well.... goes without saying!

PS. If he does not have a GF, then his Mum would have to do!
Food from a ration packs, cos theres just not enough of it out there.
A Vodka bottle with water in it. You can just picture his delight then disappointment.
Pictures of numerous fit birds in a bar who are all choking for a squaddie but will be leaving the area the day before his R&R/EOT.
A pirate DVD with "top class porn" written in marker pen over it, but its only a kids epidsode of Balamory, unless you want to go for maximum point and really do put 5 minutes of top class porn on there (Which gives him time to call his mates over orwhack it on the PS3 and big screen in the welfare tent, then have it switch to some hardcore gay porn. It will do his reputation no end of good.
Are they 16AA Bde by any chance? You could send them a cancelled travel warrant to Brize Norton.

How about some Combivir, Rexiva & Rescriptor, they're HIV Antiretroivirals. I'm sure the rest of the guys will be happy knowing he's looking after himself.

A full DVD Box set of every series of Hole in the Wall with Anton Du Beke

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