marching to dinner holding his mug and diggers in his right hand - saluted a passing rupert and ended up in the infirmary having the fork removed from his skull.
on gate duty got carried away and fell over backwards while opening gate for CO, laid in a puddle at port arms.
turned up on parade with a wiggle bit of white tape on his arm, 'what the f is that lennox you orrible bag o shite you!', 'Sir its my stripe sir', 'and where did it come from my lad?', 'well I figured I'd earned it so stitched it on myself'. Amazingly they let him keep it!
nope its true - he was the only candidate for the rmp job so they gave it too him. just remembered the first time I met him was coming off a recce, he had aquired a SUIT from somewhere but didnt have the mounting rail so bungied it to his SLR which was rather funny when he tried to zero it on the ranges.
I could tell you about jonno (attatched to us as the ambulance driver) who wandered about for weeks trying to look important with waxed jacket and flat cap lugging a briefcase containing his important 'papers' which when we finally cracked the locks turned out to be grot mags.
said jonno also sunk a 4 tonner on the driving range when he decided to go through a tank trap instead
mind you while running around on keystone 87 with the TA while still at college I once bought a weeks supply of clausthaler for the platoon from the spar only to discover it was alcohol free. woke up every day to 26 blokes brushing their teeth with it before spitting it out over our bonnet.
I imagine there will be many more to peruse when they all wake up
ooh ooh wrigglesworth (nuther TA one, busy summer that) - driving through the law range up at catterick and thought we would stop off for some souvenirs as the rocket bodies would make some ally candlesticks for the mantelpiece (like you do) got to shaiba and heard a thumping noise at the back of the rover. H'ed found one with the warhead still attatched and was trying to smash it off! cue red faced PSI and resulting paperwork saving deep hole.
Its been so long now I'm struggling to remember names to faces. Like the idiot at keogh who was bored and decided to let a few rounds off through the fence then claim ira were trying it on.
I did have one gopping recruit when I was a medic at strensall whose toenails were so long they had grown right around the ends and were digging into the joints threatening to cut his own toes off. as it was they got infected and he nearly lost them anyway. or the kid who glassed himself because the married slapper he was seeing told him he wasnt the only one.
"Dangerous" Brian, the man who broke into a rancid Paderborn whore house, the Tropicana, after it was closed and the whores had gone home, he fancied a shag. He didn't find any unnatended whores lying about the place so he just fell asleep amidst a few grands worth of damage. Nice one Brian!
His best mate "Beaker" came second. "Someones been dipping my account Staff" he said clutching his statement showing a series of heavy withdrawals from the cash point.
"Are you sure you didn't draw the money out yourself?"
"Yes Staff, I was on ropes and confined to camp anyway, it wasn't me!"
"Have you given your card and pin to anyone else?"
"You didn't give the card to anyone to get cash for you did you?"
"And noone except you knows your pin"
Twenty minutes later sitting with the German bank manager watching the cash point videos. There were six incidents on film. Four starring, you guessed it, "Dangerous" Brian, drawing first funds for his mate who was confined to camp and then making an immediate further withdrawal for his own sky rocket. The others starred our lanky streak of gwarr shit "Beaker" drawing money in the town whilst he was confined to camp on ropes.
The rest involved much shouting, blurred boots and a coastal resort in East Anglia.
Spr. D****s: Final exercise in training, stand down given and then the order to "get them fuckin trenches filled in". D****s lustily joins in the shovelling and just as the last shovel full went in, D****s asks if any one has seen his SLR. Lots of suspiciously straight face, sucking of teeth and shaking of heads. He reports tremulously to the troop Staffie, who tells him that he has obviously left it in the (now filled in) trenches somewhere and that he'd "better get fuckin diggin" if he didnt want to go straight to jail. Being no stranger to the guardroom, D****s set to digging with alacrity (and a shovel). After about 20 minutes he was getting over heated and decided to remove his combat jacket - and also the SLR which had been slung across his back all the time.
Reason for edit: Inverted commas AWOL. Sentenced to 28 days detention and soldier on.
Gdsm George, undoubtedly the dumbest but nicest bloke I ever met, even had a fucker of a stutter just to top it off. Recruiting must have been bad when they let him in...... then again "I" got in so...
Bloke in Traz, not very bright and not very clean. Someone fucked up the spelling of his surname in training, which continued throughout his career, he even had name tags and MOD90 spelled wrong, It wasn't until about half way through his career when someone was checking his passport pre-deployment that it the spelling mistake was spotted. When asked why he'd been going around under the wrong name, he said "I didn't want to say anything"
Gunner Something - joined the Battery while we were on ex in a Fire Support Base, so came out on a ration truck. Helps the Q Bloke unload the grub from the Unimog, and then doesn't stand back as the tailgate is lifted closed - BFO tailgate smashes him under chin - out like a light - loaded straight back onto truck for (unconscious) return to barracks.
Cue three days later - (The by now slightly infamous) Gunner Something returns on the same truck. Battery is in a Fire Mission, so he stands unnoticed in front of a gun bund - oh ah - Bang. Thud. Knocked unconscious by the blast - once again loaded back onto the Q truck for return to barracks.
Thicker than two short planks ever after, but nobody was ever sure if it was a result of the repeated knock outs or not.
Ah, reminds me of a Trooper in the Skins many years ago. We were deploying to Soltau for Troop Training one February with snow on the ground, in a winter so cold we were brought in from the exercise because the fuel started to emulsify in the Panzers. Said Trooper was standing on parade in his covvies, shivering away. The Troop Sergeant suggested he got some warm kit out & seeing that he only had webbing with him told him to double away to the wagon to get his kit.
Kit, Sergeant, came the reply. I havent got any other kit, didnt think Id need any.
Poor lad had proposed to deploy on Exercise for three weeks in a German winter in the clothes he stood up in (covvies, boots, T-shirt & Beret) and hadnt even put a sleeping bag in. Goes to show that even trained Soldiers need the odd kit check
Pte Grady (no longer serving) buys a TV and video recorder on the never never from whatever was before Brighthouse. Tells us all how great the insurance is because it would pay out should he find himself in circumstances unable to pay, to anyone else on the planet that would mean if you lost your job, to Grady it meant if he wanted to go out on the piss instead of paying for the TV the insurance will help him out.
In phase two training I always thought this was a Stacker urban myth, but I have on several occasions witnessed various buffoons get an order for X metres of rope or cable only for them to cut it into one metre lengths. Amusing when I was a tom not so amusing when I was running the issue section.
Ever done the 10/20 pound trick where you put it on someones arm and put a lighter to it? If it burns through they get to keep the money? 3 weekends in a row Pte Gordon (not serving) ended up in the med centre with burns, his excuse was eventully he'll get a note thats not fireproof.