They know you are / were a squaddie when....

1. Always use the 24 hour clock.
2. Nothing squaddies do shocks you
3. Use the phonetic alphabet to spell everything
4. Wife or girlfriend is in your phone contacts as ‘Zero Alpha’
5. You refer to personal tasks as ‘admin’
6. Use VP in everyday speak
7. Your civvy mates don’t understand VP
8. You don’t have any civvy mates!!
9. Use target indications and clock codes to point stuff out
10. Use patrol hand signals in loud places if people can’t hear you
11. Point or indicate using your whole hand
12. You don’t trust your wife / girlfriend to iron as good as you do
13. You think NOT shaving is a treat
14. You refer to smoke as a double edged sword
15. You hate civvies with long hair or wearing DPM / MTP
16. You break into a cold sweat if you have to work on a Friday afternoon
17. More than 50% of your DVD collection is war movies
18. You have a 10am NAAFI break every day otherwise you’d never make it through till lunchtime
19. No matter how much you get paid at the end of the month its all gone in a week with nothing to show for it
20. When leaving a phone number you always repeat it twice like a grid reference
21. You think using the same spoon to eat everything and licking it clean for a week is perfectly acceptable
22. You use VP in text messages
23. Before leaving any seat anywhere you always check your pockets and ‘prepare to move’
24. You would never dream of using the same brush to put polish on AND off
25. You still own Ron Hills and wear them when nipping to the shop / petrol station
26. You count rounds expended during a battle scene in a war film and silently mutter ‘mag-change’
27. You shout de-bus when dropping off people / the kids anywhere
28. You have a never ending list of phrases other than ‘going for a shit’ to describe that very action
29. You can’t help but shout ‘Gas Gas Gas’ or ‘Ease Springs’ if anyone farts
30. North Face, Alpine Lowe and Berghaus etc are comparable to Armani in the fashion world
31. You feel naughty when walking on grass
32. When the worst thing you can hear in the world is ‘wake up – you’re on stag!’
33. You sit back to wall in a pub so you can keep ‘eyes on’ and clear escape routes
34. When walking through open countryside you subconsciously plan a route in ‘dead ground’
35. You give impromptu lessons on car searching to security guards at the local car park
36. You point out all the mistakes in a war/ action film – and they are referred to as ‘training videos’
37. You think it’s weird when people ask for cutlery when they are clearly called ‘diggers’
38. Waking up with the fattest female in town makes you a legend with your mates
39. You don’t smoke, you ‘burst into flames’
40. You wear flip-flops in a shower no matter where you are, even a hotel or a friend’s house
41. When discussing any event or outing there is always an ‘action on’ section
42. You can’t walk past Blacks / millets / any camping shop without going in to buy a new bit of kit
43. Your kids look puzzled when you ask them ‘who threw the admin grenade in their bedroom’
44. Black masking tape can fix anything – FACT. That and a Leatherman are the only tools you will need in life – EVER
45. You always use a lighter to remove lose threads, even if you have scissors
46. You think running in a circle with 30 other people punching in random directions is normal
47. You know what all your squaddie mates wives and girlfriends boobs look like even though you have never met any of them
48. ‘Swamp’ is not a location in a jungle or part of the Florida everglades
49. Your wife / girlfriend fully understands hand signals, especially the ‘On Me’ when out shopping
50. The only way your other half can get you up after a night on the piss is to shout ‘STAND-TO’ (1)
131. When you fellate other gentlemen in the beer garden of a garrison based pub because the ladies will think you are "a crazy guy".

132. You orgasm whilst carrying out No. 131.
Thats a fucking malicious rumour............ it never happened............. ok!
Tell that to the two lads from a Royal Signals ski trip that were being charged with doing just that in a German club, with a lot of words like 'sex offenders register', 'dishonourable discharge' and 'civvie nick' being thrown around.

Apparently they didn't think a German barmaid would complain about two lads sucking each other off in a public bar...

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