They know you are / were a squaddie when....

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Corky341, Apr 14, 2013.

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  1. 1. Always use the 24 hour clock.
    2. Nothing squaddies do shocks you
    3. Use the phonetic alphabet to spell everything
    4. Wife or girlfriend is in your phone contacts as ‘Zero Alpha’
    5. You refer to personal tasks as ‘admin’
    6. Use VP in everyday speak
    7. Your civvy mates don’t understand VP
    8. You don’t have any civvy mates!!
    9. Use target indications and clock codes to point stuff out
    10. Use patrol hand signals in loud places if people can’t hear you
    11. Point or indicate using your whole hand
    12. You don’t trust your wife / girlfriend to iron as good as you do
    13. You think NOT shaving is a treat
    14. You refer to smoke as a double edged sword
    15. You hate civvies with long hair or wearing DPM / MTP
    16. You break into a cold sweat if you have to work on a Friday afternoon
    17. More than 50% of your DVD collection is war movies
    18. You have a 10am NAAFI break every day otherwise you’d never make it through till lunchtime
    19. No matter how much you get paid at the end of the month its all gone in a week with nothing to show for it
    20. When leaving a phone number you always repeat it twice like a grid reference
    21. You think using the same spoon to eat everything and licking it clean for a week is perfectly acceptable
    22. You use VP in text messages
    23. Before leaving any seat anywhere you always check your pockets and ‘prepare to move’
    24. You would never dream of using the same brush to put polish on AND off
    25. You still own Ron Hills and wear them when nipping to the shop / petrol station
    26. You count rounds expended during a battle scene in a war film and silently mutter ‘mag-change’
    27. You shout de-bus when dropping off people / the kids anywhere
    28. You have a never ending list of phrases other than ‘going for a shit’ to describe that very action
    29. You can’t help but shout ‘Gas Gas Gas’ or ‘Ease Springs’ if anyone farts
    30. North Face, Alpine Lowe and Berghaus etc are comparable to Armani in the fashion world
    31. You feel naughty when walking on grass
    32. When the worst thing you can hear in the world is ‘wake up – you’re on stag!’
    33. You sit back to wall in a pub so you can keep ‘eyes on’ and clear escape routes
    34. When walking through open countryside you subconsciously plan a route in ‘dead ground’
    35. You give impromptu lessons on car searching to security guards at the local car park
    36. You point out all the mistakes in a war/ action film – and they are referred to as ‘training videos’
    37. You think it’s weird when people ask for cutlery when they are clearly called ‘diggers’
    38. Waking up with the fattest female in town makes you a legend with your mates
    39. You don’t smoke, you ‘burst into flames’
    40. You wear flip-flops in a shower no matter where you are, even a hotel or a friend’s house
    41. When discussing any event or outing there is always an ‘action on’ section
    42. You can’t walk past Blacks / millets / any camping shop without going in to buy a new bit of kit
    43. Your kids look puzzled when you ask them ‘who threw the admin grenade in their bedroom’
    44. Black masking tape can fix anything – FACT. That and a Leatherman are the only tools you will need in life – EVER
    45. You always use a lighter to remove lose threads, even if you have scissors
    46. You think running in a circle with 30 other people punching in random directions is normal
    47. You know what all your squaddie mates wives and girlfriends boobs look like even though you have never met any of them
    48. ‘Swamp’ is not a location in a jungle or part of the Florida everglades
    49. Your wife / girlfriend fully understands hand signals, especially the ‘On Me’ when out shopping
    50. The only way your other half can get you up after a night on the piss is to shout ‘STAND-TO’ (1)
     
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  2. 51. When you type out lists comprising of fifty re-hashed shite statements.
     
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  3. 52. You copy and paste internet pages into different web sites
     
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  4. 53. When you know when to bugger off when you're annoying people.
     
  5. This thread is like waiting for that bus from Rinteln..........
     
  6. 54. When you can't be arrsed to use the search function to find a similarly named thread, but infinitely better.
     
  7. 55. What a great first post with plenty more to come unfortunately!
     
  8. 131. When you fellate other gentlemen in the beer garden of a garrison based pub because the ladies will think you are "a crazy guy".

    132. You orgasm whilst carrying out No. 131.
     
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  9. Thats a fucking malicious rumour............ it never happened............. ok!
     
  10. Shit! 22 years in and I'm not a squaddie after all. :-(
     
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  11. I think it was a confession ScaleyDave....
     
  12. This is going well, Innit?

    Welcome to ARRSE you vacuous, empty headed Mong!
     
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  13. I NEVER orgasmed............
     
  14. Sorry ScaleyDave, I thought it was Badgers confession ~ you were there as well eh?
     
  15. Welcome to ARRSE. Do you take it up the ricker?