theres one born every minute

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by mrs-potatoehead, Jan 31, 2006.

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  1. got this in an Email today ... it made me titter.....


    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided
    to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me
    making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock, Tommy
     
  2. LMFAO! :D :D :D :D

    Oh dear, I'm going to go get some clean pants now....

    T C
     
  3. how about videoing it next time
     
  4. Sounds nice... why did you try it on your self and its a good job you didnt try it on the cat as it would proberly have killed it.
     
  5. PMSL, thank's for shareing your antic's.

    Toe
     
  6. Can we set up a poll as to whether Tommy should do it again with a video camera running (and forward the results to him)?

    I vote YES as I'm keen to determine the flight path of the reading glasses. :twisted:
     
  7. if he cant or wont do it on himself again surely some ones got a spare mong knocking around that could be used ??????????
     
  8. Would his wife react in the same manner? And, carefully timed, would it enhance orgasm?
     
  9. might be a new sport - take her from behind - grab hold of hair/love handles and strike with a tazer - put a whole new meaning on rodeo sex.
     
  10. just thought - better wear a condom and wellies and nbc gloves for insulation (and an s10 if your kinky)
     
  11. And taze only while the bag's not slapping...
     
  12. There's one born every minute aint there
     
  13. Made my day, reading this
     
  14. PMSL, i'm glad the cat wasn't on your knee at the time.
     
  15. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
    Tears were rolling off my cheeks as it is exactly the sort of thing I would do.