theres one born every minute

#1
got this in an Email today ... it made me titter.....


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Tommy
 
#3
how about videoing it next time
 
#6
bomb_mac said:
how about videoing it next time
Can we set up a poll as to whether Tommy should do it again with a video camera running (and forward the results to him)?

I vote YES as I'm keen to determine the flight path of the reading glasses. :twisted:
 
#7
if he cant or wont do it on himself again surely some ones got a spare mong knocking around that could be used ??????????
 
#8
Would his wife react in the same manner? And, carefully timed, would it enhance orgasm?
 
#9
might be a new sport - take her from behind - grab hold of hair/love handles and strike with a tazer - put a whole new meaning on rodeo sex.
 
#10
just thought - better wear a condom and wellies and nbc gloves for insulation (and an s10 if your kinky)
 
#14
PMSL, i'm glad the cat wasn't on your knee at the time.
 
#15
That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
Tears were rolling off my cheeks as it is exactly the sort of thing I would do.
 
#16
Feck me I'm actually crying with laughter at that one, probably the same kind of person to put a cat in the microwave just to warm it up.
 
#17
As someone who was voluntarily tasered, I can vouch for the authenticity of the account.....Showed the video to some of the lads at the unit, and they howled with laughter.....Then 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaahh'ed when i showed them the marks it left ( 3 years later )..........
 
#18
Not unbelivable story.

Confession time. I got hold of a couple of small cans of pepper spray as issued to the German cops/posties etc. Are supposed to be used to ward off dangerous dogs.

So I gave one to the missus for carrying in her pocket/handbag when out at night and put the other one in the car "just in case".

A couple of weeks later I was on a course staying in a hotel, I got bored as you do so went out for a couple of drinks. Came back to the hotel after a few sherbets and found that the can that was supposed to be with the wife was in my suitcase.

Having seen the pictures of the cops using it on the telly and having had my share of exposure to CS in the chamber I wondered if this stuff was a) any good and b) anything like CS.

So I gave my self a 0.00005 nanosecond spray in the area of nose and mouth (with eyes shut).

Fcuking BIG mistake.

To start with it was "Ah as I thought poofy civie shite, nothing to it"
Then the burning started, then the sneezing and coughing. Followed in rapid succession by choking and sneezing snot all over the place.

Ran like fcuk for the shower to get the dammed stuff off my face but by now I had tears streaming down my face along with the snot going everywhere and not being able to breath so I missed the door to the bathroom and ran straight into the wall.
I bounced off the wall and hit the bed which promptly threw me to the floor (woughly centurwian).

Now on my hands and knees and still coughing and sneezing snot and blind I started to crawl towards the shower again. This time I managed to get into the shower and turned it on.

Wrong tap!

So now coughing, sneezing, half blind and parboiled with a lump on my head I realised that my experiment might have been a bit misguided.

I finally managed to get the cold water on and wash the stuff off.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#20
Who needs pepper spray/CS to make your eyes water when you can read this!
 

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