2) A low-fibre diet will mean that you have half a turd poking out of your bum like a Pritt stick, so essentially you could be there for the rest of your life doing blot, bang, rub with your dirty bum.
3) The whole notion of wiping cack is cack. If it was on your arm you wouldn't try and wipe it off with dry paper. Get your arse over the edge of the sink and give it a wash.
[Only attempt "3" in a public toilet if you're quite daring].