The worst book Ive ever read...

Morrissey's first and hopefully last novel, List Of The Lost, gathered a universal critical response last year:

"the publishers should be ashamed of themselves": Guardian

"A bizarrely cringeworthy and overblown debut" : NME

"a leaden festival of self-pity": Independent

"a ludicrous gothic fantasy" and "unreadable at times" The Times

"more self-indulgent and tedious than its slender dimensions would suggest possible" and "sullies the reputation of the publishing house that has been foolish or greedy enough to commit it to print" Financial Times

So more fool all those critics as the Man himself today wins the single most exclusive award in literature:

The 2015 Bad Sex in Fiction Prize

So let us all glory in the majestic, deathless award winning prose that stands close comparison to the poetry of William McGonagall:

"Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone."
 
Morrissey's first and hopefully last novel, List Of The Lost, gathered a universal critical response last year:

"the publishers should be ashamed of themselves": Guardian

"A bizarrely cringeworthy and overblown debut" : NME

"a leaden festival of self-pity": Independent

"a ludicrous gothic fantasy" and "unreadable at times" The Times

"more self-indulgent and tedious than its slender dimensions would suggest possible" and "sullies the reputation of the publishing house that has been foolish or greedy enough to commit it to print" Financial Times

So more fool all those critics as the Man himself today wins the single most exclusive award in literature:

The 2015 Bad Sex in Fiction Prize

So let us all glory in the majestic, deathless award winning prose that stands close comparison to the poetry of William McGonagall:

"Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone."
That last bit of the sentence pretty much sums up my technique.
 

Nemesis44UK

LE
Book Reviewer
I hate leaving films and books unfinished. There's a completist in me that recoils in horror should I try to leave before the end/stop reading.

Consequently, I have lost many hours of my life reading soul-draining filler masquerading as books. I haven't read The Hobbit, for example. I had that book and four days of downtime, waiting for a lift back to my unit in GW1 - no other entertainment and I still couldn't finish it.

There's too many to mention, but that one sticks in my mind.
 
I hate leaving films and books unfinished. There's a completist in me that recoils in horror should I try to leave before the end/stop reading.

Consequently, I have lost many hours of my life reading soul-draining filler masquerading as books. I haven't read The Hobbit, for example. I had that book and four days of downtime, waiting for a lift back to my unit in GW1 - no other entertainment and I still couldn't finish it.

There's too many to mention, but that one sticks in my mind.
I can easily leave a book unfinished, I tend to have 2 or 3 books on the go at one time. I don't read much fiction so luckily there's no cliffhangers for me to rush back to find out about.
I had one book that 20 odd years after I've never finished.
"The Tick Tock Man" by Terence Strong. Started reading when it first came out got about a 1/4 way in & lost interest. 15 years later i'm on Jury duty & this book is the only thing in the waiting room worth reading. Got 3/4 through it & still didn't finish it. Still neither know nor care how it ends.
Oddly I can switch on the TV & a film could be half way through & I have no problem watching it to the end whether its dreck or not unless it's some gopping chick flick.
To be fair a book requires a lot more effort than a film.
 
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Mentioned it before but.... Down to the Sea in Ships by Horatio Clare. Tried returning to finish it thinking a break might work.... nope. The authors style and form are just mind numbing and awkward zzzzzz
 
I have been trying to finish The Long Arm of Lee for years but God! The author, a certain Jennings Cropper Wise, who must have been hard work trying to have a conversation with, because the two volumes on the Artillery of the Army of North Virginia are the driest and most boring books I have ever tried to read. He even goes on to list the length of chains on different calibre cannons. I keep going back to them but after a chapter or so I loose the will to live. Maybe, just maybe I will read them before I fall off the perch but I don't think so.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
I have been trying to finish The Long Arm of Lee for years but God! The author, a certain Jennings Cropper Wise, who must have been hard work trying to have a conversation with, because the two volumes on the Artillery of the Army of North Virginia are the driest and most boring books I have ever tried to read. He even goes on to list the length of chains on different calibre cannons. I keep going back to them but after a chapter or so I loose the will to live. Maybe, just maybe I will read them before I fall off the perch but I don't think so.
Take them with you next weekend, I'm sure there will be nothing to occupy your time.
 
Heart of Darkness. Not a Huey or Charlie in sight; Conrad you Vietnam-walting cnut.
To be fair, you are confusing the screenplay with the book. :-D Movie makers often change important details to get a book onto the big screen.
This is the only helicopter that you would have been likely to have seen in the time period the book is set into. ;-)

leonardo-da-vinci-helicopter-model.jpg
 
Just read Bill Bryson's, 'The road to little dribbling' if you don't want to spend money on the book you will get the same effect by stopping anyone over 80 in the street and saying 'Its not like it used to be in your day is it...' and listen to the response.

It starts off with him moaning and goes on to him moaning and ends guess what with him moaning. The bloke is a multi-millionaire and there are places missed on his travels because it costs 8 quid to get in, for 'fooks' sake put it on your expenses man you were writing a book.

According to Bill everywhere is shite if its not like 1950's Mid West USA and even that is moaned about as being shite at times too, if you want to really do something really good with your millions Bill buy a 'fooking' time machine and go back there.
 
Just read Bill Bryson's, 'The road to little dribbling' if you don't want to spend money on the book you will get the same effect by stopping anyone over 80 in the street and saying 'Its not like it used to be in your day is it...' and listen to the response.

It starts off with him moaning and goes on to him moaning and ends guess what with him moaning. The bloke is a multi-millionaire and there are places missed on his travels because it costs 8 quid to get in, for 'fooks' sake put it on your expenses man you were writing a book.

According to Bill everywhere is shite if its not like 1950's Mid West USA and even that is moaned about as being shite at times too, if you want to really do something really good with your millions Bill buy a 'fooking' time machine and go back there.
Strange really as Bill is quite the Anglophile.
 
Strange really as Bill is quite the Anglophile.
I know and I have enjoyed other books but the moaning in this one get a bit much, I don't think its just aimed at England etc more everywhere.
 
L

lumpy2

Guest
I hate leaving films and books unfinished. There's a completist in me that recoils in horror should I try to leave before the end/stop reading.

Consequently, I have lost many hours of my life reading soul-draining filler masquerading as books. I haven't read The Hobbit, for example. I had that book and four days of downtime, waiting for a lift back to my unit in GW1 - no other entertainment and I still couldn't finish it.

There's too many to mention, but that one sticks in my mind.
I too hate leaving things unfinished, and as I was fortunate enough to win Rome's Fallen Eagle by Robert Fabbri, in one of Auld Yin's dodgy competitions, I felt duty bound to read it to the end.

If you are one of those who have a pathological obsession with Roman military tactics, to the nth degree, or you are a serious insomniac, this is the book for you.
 

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