The worst book Ive ever read...

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#1
I was going to write a quick review of Chris Ryan's ULTIMATE WEAPON but then it occured to me that someone out there could have warned me how bad it was if only they had a way of doing so. And so here's a new sticky - The worst book I've ever read...

If you are like me, bad movies can be avoided by simply not paying money at the kiosk of a cinema. Books however are bought at airports and picked up when you've got an hour to kill and if its shite you are stuck with it. Throwing away the book is sacrilage and 'just a little bit of you' wants to see how it ends... What I am saying is, getting a bad book is worse than a bad movie. If only because it lasts soo much longer.

Anyway, post your hated books and warnings here...
 

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#2
And to kick off, I give you Chris Ryan's Ultimate Weapon.

The book has a new style front cover and this could be to indicate that there is a new ghost writer for Mr Ryan. Which was probably a good idea as the last few books were terrible BUT this one is way and ahead worse. I, for one, imagine that the actual authors entire military knowledge comes from reading other SAS books and wikipedia. Though sadly using Wikipedia not enough. The plot, in such there is one, is some super-whizz scientest is kidnapped by the Iraqi's in early 2003 because she can work out cold-fusion theory into fact. Her dad (ex SAS drunk) and her boyfriend (SAS) both run around Iraq trying to rescue her.

Examples litter the book about how much the author doesn't know about either UKSF, 'The Firm' (as you must apprently call them, though I always preferred TSATW) and the army (ours, yanks, or iraqi). I was particularly impressed that the up armoured T55 (which has a driver, radio operator and two gunners - one front and one rear) got smaller on the inside as it was up armoured and so it was a squeeze for the three men to get in the turret and drive off. The assault on the T55 crew started at 400 yards and the run with AK47's pushed out in front (aka North Vietnamese assualt) but as they were machine guns when the opened fire at the run at 200 yards rounds were stitching the enemy. The 2000 lb Paveway missile launched from the coast was also an impressive touch. Though it should be remembered that the 2000lb's is interchangeable in the missile itself. And trust me on this, this is the tip of the iceberg on the inaccuracies. The improbabilities mount as the book continues (deadline approaching perhaps) and the author forgets what else they've written and so you are left wondering WTF happened to that guy they took prisoner then..

etc.

Please avoid it, its not a good book and will make you angry. And would it fcking kill Chris Ryan to read his own books before they get published in his own name?
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
#3
go easy on the fella

he probably cant read very well with that big strip of black nasty over his eyes all the time now can he?


having read some of mr ryans earlier oeuvre, it struck me that it wasnt as bad as the Colin Forbes book I once had the misfortune to read - to borrow a phrase from Stephen King (someone who's work I do enjoy), I dont believe mr. forbes knows the difference between a balanced line of prose and a shit and anchovy pizza.
 
#4
Not a book I know but falls under reading material. Fellow ARRSErs I give you:

THE SUN

Also affectionately known as 'The Scum'. After the initial interesting bit (Page 3) it descends into pointless sensationalist drivel of the worst possible kind which would only be of interest to the lowest form of chav scumbags. Touting itself as 'the forces favourite newspaper' whilst taking the opportunity to slate us at every possible juncture and written by semi illiterate cocaine snorting moon chickens. Possibly only bested in sheer pointlessness by the commie rag known as the Mirror. At least the Scum never had Piers Morgan (tw@t! :evil: ) as editor
 

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#5
Worst? As in badly written, shoddy plotting, pish-poor characterisation and general turdiness - nothing I've read in years comes close to:

The Da Vinci Code

It's just apppalling - from the very first page you know it's a turkey. Its great success did nothing to disprove my theory of the general thinckness and gullibility of people.
 
#6
Since OldSnowy took my first choice...

American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis. One of the odd cases where you should save your money on the book and go straight to the DVD.

He buys a shirt, kills someone, takes a shower, kills someone, etc....who cares? Social commentary, my ARRSE.
 
#7
JAR HEAD- waffelling load of shite
 

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#8
TankiesYank said:
Since OldSnowy took my first choice...

American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis. One of the odd cases where you should save your money on the book and go straight to the DVD.

He buys a shirt, kills someone, takes a shower, kills someone, etc....who cares? Social commentary, my ARRSE.
The only book to make me feel physically sick.
 

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#9
kevthemed said:
JAR HEAD- waffelling load of shite
Without an ending...

I'm sure they chopped up the chronology to hide the fact that it was one blokes rather badly written adventures.. IN fact adventure is too strong a word, more has happened to me on the way to the train station on a Monday morning that occurred in this book.
 
#10
I would have to nominate A short history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson.
Possibly a great book for americans as they are not too clever!

Also the road to McCarthy by Pete McCarthy - another book which was rubbish.

Join Me by Danny Wallace - or how to rip me off for £6.99 at the airport for a pointless read
 

Mr Happy

LE
Moderator
#11
OldSnowy said:
Worst? As in badly written, shoddy plotting, pish-poor characterisation and general turdiness - nothing I've read in years comes close to:

The Da Vinci Code

It's just apppalling - from the very first page you know it's a turkey. Its great success did nothing to disprove my theory of the general thinckness and gullibility of people.
If you think the book was bad, then may I recommend the audio-book. I was facing a 8 hour return journey by car the other day and realising that BBC Radio Swansea wasn't going to keep me awake I dropped 16.99 on the audio version. Cry? I almost killed myself arther than listen to the next paragraph.

There's one reader for the entire book so whenever the female daughter is speaking we get a 50 year old bloke doing a french girls accent that sounds like a 5 year old. The English guy is typical american-english and the french policeman is gruff like Frenchmen aren't but people think they are. All the dialogue is appalling. If you want my copy to light a fire, just PM me..
 
#13
The Beach.

I ploughed through this book for hours expecting the plot to get exciting at any moment - and then it ended. I enjoyed the Da Vinci Code - hyped and flawed though it was, it had some substance. The Beach was a bunch of tourists who fish and swim all day and then get the sh*ts. Whoop-dee-f*cking-dooo.
 
#14
Mr Happy said:
TankiesYank said:
Since OldSnowy took my first choice...

American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis. One of the odd cases where you should save your money on the book and go straight to the DVD.

He buys a shirt, kills someone, takes a shower, kills someone, etc....who cares? Social commentary, my ARRSE.
The only book to make me feel physically sick.
I know what you mean...I think that deliberately OTT graphic description was what annoyed me the most about it, though. I'm generally pretty willing to go along where an author wants to take me, but I dislike it when I sense that the author is blatantly going for controversy.
 
#15
maguire said:
Colin Forbes
Oh dear God! 8O That man writes prose as Harry Enfield's "Mr. Chumley Warner" speaks! :omfg:

I went through a real mental stage a few years ago though and would buy the books because the stories looked quite entertaining, but I'd be kicking myself after 5 pages when my internal reading voice became louder and louder, mocking me with its RP accent as the old duffer Tweed patronisingly referred to yet another female as "a remarkable woman!" if she so much as refrained from having an attack of the vapours when she stubbed her toe! :dead:

I feel better now! :D
 
#17
Mr Happy said:
kevthemed said:
JAR HEAD- waffelling load of shite
Without an ending...

I'm sure they chopped up the chronology to hide the fact that it was one blokes rather badly written adventures.. IN fact adventure is too strong a word, more has happened to me on the way to the train station on a Monday morning that occurred in this book.
And the film was just as shite, Best bit of the book was the start when he describes the contents of his bergan. AND SLEEP!!!!
 
#18
Worst book Stevie Wonder ever read, was his cheese grater - f ucking horror story that was. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
 
#19
"Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell" bought in the mistaken belief that Tom Clancy was involved with the book rather just included in the title (in big letters).

The only book I've ever read to the finish because I couldn't believe anyone could have such utter sh!te published. Better work could be written by a 10 year old as a homework assignment.

2nd to that "The DaVinci Code". I only finished that because I was waiting for something to justify the hype. A very badly written book with no charaterisation and a dreadfully predictable plot. Got the BBQ going quite well though.
 
#20
“The Specialist” by some über-walt cunt called Gayle Rivers.

I read it when it was published in 1985, the year before I joined up. Even then, as a civvie yet to take the Queen’s shilling, I could tell he was a complete fantasist knob-jockey.

It’s not even an entertaining work of fiction, but it’s probably on every airsoft walt’s required reading list.

If you want a laugh, here's the blurb, from someone selling a copy on WaltBay -

THE SPECIALIST
From SAS to mercenary in covert operations.

Among mercenaries, as in all professions, there is a heirarchy of rank and stature and the tough-talking, flashy dogs-of-war who grab the headlines are often at the bottom of it. At the top is an elite group of specialists who plan and execute the most dangerous and politically sensitive missions, far away from the media spotlight, and ex-Anzac special forces (SAS) covert warfare expert Gayle Rivers is a leader even among that elite.

Through a career which began with the SAS in Vietnam, on attachment to the US Special Forces, Rivers has served many governments. For the British, he has hunted IRA terrorists in Northern Ireland and track and murdered IRA gunrunners in Europe and the Middle East. For the Spanish, he has assassinated Basque terrorist leaders in their hideouts in France. For the Iraquis, while training their special forces, he has led commando raids against Iranian oil installations and international shipping in the Gulf. For the Americans, he has carried out covert missions in Lebanon to help protect the Marines, including a raid on a Druze command post, leading a US Special Forces team to assassinate three Syrian intelligence officers.

Catch sight of Rivers in a London club or a Geneva restaurant and you see a quietly spoken, well-dressed businessman who is, in reality as well as appearance, president of his own aviation and arms dealing corporation. But Rivers is equally at home in the mercenary bars of Marseilles, at the controls of a combat helicopter or fighting street gun-battles with French agents in Cairo.

For the first time, we see the mercenary world as it really is: as governments order the missions which shape politics and world events without news of them ever reaching a newspaper or a TV screen.


Utter shite
 

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