The worst book Ive ever read...

Discussion in 'The Book Club' started by Mr Happy, Sep 26, 2007.

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  1. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    I was going to write a quick review of Chris Ryan's ULTIMATE WEAPON but then it occured to me that someone out there could have warned me how bad it was if only they had a way of doing so. And so here's a new sticky - The worst book I've ever read...

    If you are like me, bad movies can be avoided by simply not paying money at the kiosk of a cinema. Books however are bought at airports and picked up when you've got an hour to kill and if its shite you are stuck with it. Throwing away the book is sacrilage and 'just a little bit of you' wants to see how it ends... What I am saying is, getting a bad book is worse than a bad movie. If only because it lasts soo much longer.

    Anyway, post your hated books and warnings here...
  2. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    And to kick off, I give you Chris Ryan's Ultimate Weapon.

    [​IMG]The book has a new style front cover and this could be to indicate that there is a new ghost writer for Mr Ryan. Which was probably a good idea as the last few books were terrible BUT this one is way and ahead worse. I, for one, imagine that the actual authors entire military knowledge comes from reading other SAS books and wikipedia. Though sadly using Wikipedia not enough. The plot, in such there is one, is some super-whizz scientest is kidnapped by the Iraqi's in early 2003 because she can work out cold-fusion theory into fact. Her dad (ex SAS drunk) and her boyfriend (SAS) both run around Iraq trying to rescue her.

    Examples litter the book about how much the author doesn't know about either UKSF, 'The Firm' (as you must apprently call them, though I always preferred TSATW) and the army (ours, yanks, or iraqi). I was particularly impressed that the up armoured T55 (which has a driver, radio operator and two gunners - one front and one rear) got smaller on the inside as it was up armoured and so it was a squeeze for the three men to get in the turret and drive off. The assault on the T55 crew started at 400 yards and the run with AK47's pushed out in front (aka North Vietnamese assualt) but as they were machine guns when the opened fire at the run at 200 yards rounds were stitching the enemy. The 2000 lb Paveway missile launched from the coast was also an impressive touch. Though it should be remembered that the 2000lb's is interchangeable in the missile itself. And trust me on this, this is the tip of the iceberg on the inaccuracies. The improbabilities mount as the book continues (deadline approaching perhaps) and the author forgets what else they've written and so you are left wondering WTF happened to that guy they took prisoner then..


    Please avoid it, its not a good book and will make you angry. And would it fcking kill Chris Ryan to read his own books before they get published in his own name?
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  3. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    go easy on the fella

    he probably cant read very well with that big strip of black nasty over his eyes all the time now can he?

    having read some of mr ryans earlier oeuvre, it struck me that it wasnt as bad as the Colin Forbes book I once had the misfortune to read - to borrow a phrase from Stephen King (someone who's work I do enjoy), I dont believe mr. forbes knows the difference between a balanced line of prose and a shit and anchovy pizza.
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  4. Not a book I know but falls under reading material. Fellow ARRSErs I give you:


    Also affectionately known as 'The Scum'. After the initial interesting bit (Page 3) it descends into pointless sensationalist drivel of the worst possible kind which would only be of interest to the lowest form of chav scumbags. Touting itself as 'the forces favourite newspaper' whilst taking the opportunity to slate us at every possible juncture and written by semi illiterate cocaine snorting moon chickens. Possibly only bested in sheer pointlessness by the commie rag known as the Mirror. At least the Scum never had Piers Morgan (tw@t! :evil: ) as editor
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  5. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Worst? As in badly written, shoddy plotting, pish-poor characterisation and general turdiness - nothing I've read in years comes close to:

    The Da Vinci Code

    It's just apppalling - from the very first page you know it's a turkey. Its great success did nothing to disprove my theory of the general thinckness and gullibility of people.
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  6. Since OldSnowy took my first choice...

    American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis. One of the odd cases where you should save your money on the book and go straight to the DVD.

    He buys a shirt, kills someone, takes a shower, kills someone, etc....who cares? Social commentary, my ARRSE.
  7. JAR HEAD- waffelling load of shite
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  8. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    The only book to make me feel physically sick.
  9. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    Without an ending...

    I'm sure they chopped up the chronology to hide the fact that it was one blokes rather badly written adventures.. IN fact adventure is too strong a word, more has happened to me on the way to the train station on a Monday morning that occurred in this book.
  10. I would have to nominate A short history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson.
    Possibly a great book for americans as they are not too clever!

    Also the road to McCarthy by Pete McCarthy - another book which was rubbish.

    Join Me by Danny Wallace - or how to rip me off for £6.99 at the airport for a pointless read
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  11. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    If you think the book was bad, then may I recommend the audio-book. I was facing a 8 hour return journey by car the other day and realising that BBC Radio Swansea wasn't going to keep me awake I dropped 16.99 on the audio version. Cry? I almost killed myself arther than listen to the next paragraph.

    There's one reader for the entire book so whenever the female daughter is speaking we get a 50 year old bloke doing a french girls accent that sounds like a 5 year old. The English guy is typical american-english and the french policeman is gruff like Frenchmen aren't but people think they are. All the dialogue is appalling. If you want my copy to light a fire, just PM me..
  12. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy LE Moderator

    disagree, but then I might be stupid.
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  13. The Beach.

    I ploughed through this book for hours expecting the plot to get exciting at any moment - and then it ended. I enjoyed the Da Vinci Code - hyped and flawed though it was, it had some substance. The Beach was a bunch of tourists who fish and swim all day and then get the sh*ts. Whoop-dee-f*cking-dooo.
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  14. I know what you mean...I think that deliberately OTT graphic description was what annoyed me the most about it, though. I'm generally pretty willing to go along where an author wants to take me, but I dislike it when I sense that the author is blatantly going for controversy.
  15. Oh dear God! 8O That man writes prose as Harry Enfield's "Mr. Chumley Warner" speaks! :omfg:

    I went through a real mental stage a few years ago though and would buy the books because the stories looked quite entertaining, but I'd be kicking myself after 5 pages when my internal reading voice became louder and louder, mocking me with its RP accent as the old duffer Tweed patronisingly referred to yet another female as "a remarkable woman!" if she so much as refrained from having an attack of the vapours when she stubbed her toe! :dead:

    I feel better now! :D
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