I kid you not - I woke myself up laughing on Sunday morning. I'd been dreaming about the World Cup and had been doing how to identify teams. The Scarey One and I spent an hour in bed pi$$ing ourselves laughing. It's not racist - I'm a Jock and she's an Arawak Indian so there. France; They re-negotiate the off-side rule and then ignore it. Poland: They sit on the ball and offer to build a shed with plumbing and then don't show up. Italy: Surrender. Hungary: Sit on the ball - full stop. Mexico: The extended family show up on the pitch for Tacos. Japan: They take the ball and reinvent it. Israel: They build a settlement in your half. Palestine: They dig a tunnel under the pitch and pop up in your goal. Germany: They invade your half before the Ref blows the kick-off. Jamaica: They whip out cricket bats and belt the ball around. Scotland: We shout for joy for 60 seconds and then cry for 89 minutes. England: They'll be too busy doing their hair/shagging someone's Missus/hanging out in clubs. Romania: They'll steal the ball. Russia: Too pi$$ed to see the ball. Argentina: They'll take over your half and claim it's theirs. 2 Para: They'll take over the whole stadium and brag about it for years.