The workings of a sick mind.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by supermatelot, Sep 17, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I'm at work and have just nipped out of the office to make a brew. I spied the cleaner's hoover plugged into a socket and she is hoovering 2 flights of stairs below.I just could not feckin resist switching it off as I passed!
    The cleaner is a woman in her sixties.

    If I see anyone in a wheelchair I automatically shout TIMMMMAYYY as well!

    What c.untish things can you just not resist doing when the opportunity arises?
     
  2. Brilliant!!!
     
  3. How long is the mains cable on that bloody vacuum cleaner then...??

    She deserves all she got for having a ridiculously long vacuum cleaner cable...
     
  4. You should continue to commit the act of "Waiting till she gets back to Henry, then switch it off again" until she dies of a heart attack. Then, defecate in her eye.
     
  5. Best thing is, I was the only one who could have possibly switched it off and she has just come in to empty my bin. My veneer of utter "innocence" as she gave be a knowing scowl was sheer oscar winning!
    Im contemplating undoing the clips on the said of Henry so next time she picks it up it will empty.
     
  6. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Why not wait until she gets all the way back up and then kindly switch it back on as she reaches for the plug. Then, trip her up so she gets back to the hoover much quicker than she left it?
     
  7. Supermatelot!!!

    Don't be fooled she is no doubt plotting her revenge as I type - just wait until you get in tomorrow. Whatever you do, don't drink the brew she makes you 8O
     
  8. You have a very active imagination for a 12 year old.
     
  9. She has probably rimmed the cup with her festering crusty Snatch!!

    Pmsl
     
  10. thanks for that put me right of my brew
     
  11. Lemon tea anyone?
     
  12. You're forgetting three important points:

    1. She's in before you.
    2. She has keys to everything.
    3. She's had 60 years to work at being a devious bitch.

    More fool you, mate. Enjoy the brew.
     
  13. Not entirely the same thing, but reminded me of a spell on HMS Beaver (good work RN ship-naming-fellas) for "sea Training". "Sea Loafing" more like.

    Anyway, the young WREN that looked after the metal box roomy thing opposite my and my fellow loafer's cabiny thing had one of the most pert arrses I'd ever seen (I didn't used to get out much). This was in the days before I realised that to get promoted as a glenda in the RN you had to have 20kilos of botox pumped into your arrse cheeks and have the ability to inhale the fun from any closed environment.

    Apologies to any slim, personable RN females (or whatever you are now you're not WRENs)

    Back to WREN Essence, stay with it 556, ok...

    She was, as they say, cute but stoopid, and plugged her hoover into the socket outside our cabin, so, as Supermatelot has discovered, we turned the socket off so we could glimp her backside as she bent to turn it back on (after very sensually squeezing her petite frame round a load of arcane-looking control panels to get to the socket) and then we tittered like, well, tits as she bent to show us her arrse. Little minx, she loved it....

    The first time it was funny.

    The second was hilarious.

    The third nearly made me do one of those 11-year-old-hide-and-seek wees in my kibbies.

    She just kept coming back? WTF??? Thinks the 3 highly professional if slightly childish bootnecks.

    "I wonder how many times she'll do it?" Who said that? Well, someone did, sooooooo.....

    The poor girl. I lost count. I nearly lost my breakfast I was laughing so hard. I totally lost interest in her arrse when she started taking the plug apart with a screwdriver, because I coudn't see for tears and my legs were starting to feel warm down 1 side.

    I had, by that point, actually swamped myself and was busy changing my combats.

    We did that every day for a week. Not once did she clock it. In the end it actually got boring so we got to work on the planning phase of Op COMEDY PIPE ANNOUNCEMENT.

    Bootnecks + serious Naval situation = trouble a'th mill.
     
  14. In the early days of cyanoacrylate adhesive (aka Superglue) I superglued a guy's army pump to the top of his locker minutes before one of the very few block inspections we had as a working unit.
     
  15. Ah!

    "The person holding the PDO file report to the master at arms"