The Wisdom of Granny

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Machristo, Nov 14, 2008.

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  1. We all love Gran. But didn't she talk a lot of sh1t?

    "It'll be alright in the end." No it fcuking won't gran, he's gonna die.

    The most striking thing is though that I find myself occassionally quoting from this bottomless pit of non-wisdom. "Hard work never did anybody any harm," is a particular favourite. We all know it it CAN and DOES, but why spoil a good saying with some inconvenient contrivance such as established fact?

    So my question is, which of these granny's favourites do we find ourselves using these days? Be it everything from at work- If you want something done properly you've got to do it yourself; or with the kids- If you have another one you won't have an appetite for your dinner; to general everyday use- It never rains but it pours.

    Also, have we added any of own to this pool of senseless (I was gonna say 'useless' there, but strangely it IS useful, somehow) knowledge. I personally have blatantly stolen a line from The History Boys to this effect. "History, it's just one fcuking thing after another."

    The last thing is this: Where there any real 'character building' gobbets that where chucked in at some point at grannys' house and have stcuk with us for all the right reasons? Mine would be that gem from my grandad: "Do unto others as others would do unto you, only do it faster and harder."
  2. 'be neither a borrower or a lender' Except our entire society is based on people contracting loans to raise capital to invest in future enterprises, so if we listened to granny there we'd all be living in peasant shacks like the middle ages stilll...
  3. A point well made, Brad. And some of the most often heard ones are almost communist in their sentiment aren't they? "Hard works sets the soul free" is one example...
  4. Do you mean "Arbeit Macht Frei", by any chance?
  5. "Hard work isn't easy." Really? How's that degree in rocket science working out then, gran?

    "The hard way's always easier in the long run than the easy way." Then they should swap the names around a bit, then shouldn't they?

    "If you eat your greens you'll grow up big and strong. " Absolutely, gran. That's why they inject cattle with growth hormones, to make up for them not eating enough greens.
  6. "oh don't worry it will be in tha last place you look for it"

    Of course it will Gran, why would I keep on looking once I've found it
  7. I was going up the M1 at seventy one time, when this cnut in a Porsche whipped by at the hefty side of a hundred. Nan, in the passenger seat, instantly tutted and piped in with 'He won't get there any quicker." YES HE FCUKING WILL!!!

    Also, in list form (top 5 courtesy of Peter Kay):

    "Believe you me." Who am I supposed to be believing now?
    "I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole." Who's got a fcuking bargepole?
    "How is he? But how is he in himself?" What is he, contortionist?
    "I'll tell you this for free." Ooooh, put your money away!
    (Back off holiday) "I see you brought the good weather back with you..." Imagine that at customs, can ya?
    "It's too cold to snow." In the Antartic it's 40 below, and the place is full of the stuff!
    "You'll have someones eye out with that." No matter what you're carrying... paper bag, stepladder...
  8. When discussing with their friends some woman who doesn't meet with their aproval:

    "She's no better than she ought to be."

    WTF does that actually mean? :?
  9. "You can't eat money?"

  10. Well Grandad in this case:

    "Things are never so bad they cannot get worse"

    (and he was right :roll: )
  11. 'A watched pot never boils' -yes it fcuking does, we've all viewed the hexytelly, unless its a pot capable of defying the laws of physics.
  12. "These Capstan Full Strength won't hurt me"
    Then I saw the lung x-rays.
  13. Granddad was the one coming out with all the bone and annoying sayings in our house. A particularly irritating one was "The longest way, is the quickest way". It was such an irritating saying, I make sure I continue to use it as often as possible.
  14. "See a pin and pick it up, and all day long you'll have a pin"

    Fair 'nough I suppose...

    Mind you, when the old girl finally succumbed to alzheimers she escaped from the nursing home and made a bid to reach Catford where she'd grown up. A police woman attempted to stop her and was promptly decked with a well thrown punch, hence Grandad's advice: "Don't cross yer Granny son, she's got a mean right hook." :D
  15. Well she's all fur coat and no knickers!

    It'll all come out in the wash.

    Eat your crusts and your hair will curl.

    Eat your carrots and you will see in the dark.