The Ultimate Euphemism Thread

This could either be a high flying thread of the century, or could go straight to the arrse hole, (I expect the latter!) however I thought that some arrsers may find the idea of using their minds to think of their own euphemisms appealing.

I could just 'google it' if I wanted a list of euphemisms, however I want more than that. I want some original 'comedy-you-can't-write' euphemisms from the sharp end of arrse.
I'll start off with one of my very own;

'Lead the Lamma to the lift-shaft'
My best friend is an 'accomplished off-shore yachtsman'.


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