The things you did to your Commander!

Please list all the things you have done to your Commander without him/her knowing?
Smeg on the ear piece!
Smeg on the fluffy mic guard! etc! etc! etc!
Troop CPLhad a shitty on with Tp Leader so he chucked his SMG into a ditch, ex came to halt later while major search went on but never found. Operator later in life became S/sgt and picked up BEM
If you troll through the QDG.ORG.UK Homepage,there´s a account of a trooper,who after wearing his socks on scheme for two weeks,washed them in the BV,then made a brew with the water!!!!

Must have loved his Commander! :p
Once had an extremely obnoxious RSO (Regimental Signals Officer) who was a complete arrse. When bomming along on a FTX one day and him being his normal self we stopped our Sultan in a german farm-yard for a brew and a sarnie one night. My driver jumps out and gets the bacon grill going on the single burner and I was buttering the bread. We both had army torches mine was tucked under my chin so I could use both hands. Caught something out the corner of my eye and nearly died when I saw it was this huge Alsatian crawling on his belly after our scoff. Shood him away carried on buttering and chatting. A minute or two later went back to the bread pile and saw the damned dog busily licking off the marg from the top slice. (I think you might just be ahead of me here.) just going to chuck it for the dog to finish when I got one of those nasty thoughts in my head, looked at my driver and saw he had the same idea.

Upshot was that two freshly fried bacon grill bits on the bread and gave the other slice to the dog for a bit more slobber and presented it to the RSO. He scoffed the lot down and my was I grinning when I asked him if he enjoyed it. "Fantastic Cpl Stumpyhussar that hit the spot". We nearly wet ourselves :D
Then there is the old favourite of a liberal smear of boot polish on the cmdr`s sight brow pad and eye-piece. Used to take bets on how long it would be before he looked in a mirror. Hardest part was keeping a straight face during the IG`s crew debrief on the ranges. "Crew, crew shun. Kin `ell, sir, you been fighting again?" . :lol:


I used to rim his cup with smeg every time .... one day I didn't have the time to do it and he complained that his brew "Tasted funny"
TangoFowerAlpha said:
Then there is the old favourite of a liberal smear of boot polish on the cmdr`s sight brow pad and eye-piece. Used to take bets on how long it would be before he looked in a mirror. Hardest part was keeping a straight face during the IG`s crew debrief on the ranges. "Crew, crew shun. Kin `ell, sir, you been fighting again?" . :lol:
Forgot about that one really funny to watch the Commander with his 'mask of Zorro' taking the de-brief like that. Even the gunnery instructors used to grin and it's a known fact that they have their funny bone removed at Lulworth.
Like StumpyHussar I did mine to our RSO during my time in Comd Tp. Just a little bit of piss in his brew.

I also snotted into a plate of "all in" and passed it to a Tp Sgt that was a t**t in a Sqn.
Whilst doing a debus drill in a wallior we staged an accident. Full screw tells the boss its clear to reverse then gets the blokes all set boss faces backwards and off he goes. We then lie down infront of the wagon and play ran over. He sh1t a brick jumped out whilst it was still reversing. Got his head tangled in the head set slipped and broke 2 of his fingers. He still ran over to start first aid though. Bloody nice bloke!
This is all about revenge and how you extracted it! But it is nice to see you had at least one nice Boss.
I did know a chap (no name no pac drill) who had a penchant for having a dump up a tree, the idea was to hit any passing Snr/Officer Type, Game On!
Used to take a selection of ex-lax on ex for the poor unfurtunate TP ldr that always pi$*ed me off!
Feeding the Commander with Pal (Dog Food) for the duration was a must, he still hasn't got a clue!
Bit of curry or chilly powder, sorted ;)
Had an arrse of an OC once who I had the dubious pleasure of driving Sultan for on one particularly wet and cold Ex. First couple of weeks would be daylight hours driving all over Germany with the signaller in the back forced to stay awake because said OC couldn't be arrsed to listen out on the net. Then bivvy up in some out of the way place away from the rest of the Sqn where OC would skip off to orders come back, take a gulp from his big bottle of Jaegermeister and then dive into his scratcher for his "deserved" 8 hour zonk while Scaley and me stagged on all night guard/radio stag snatching an hour or 2 kip if we could. Course after this me and the scaleyback were ballbagsed and a bit sacked off so we waited until he was peacefully snoring nicked his Jaegermeister drank half and topped it up with p**s, after this his evening routine became a real morale booster, how he didn't notice I'll never know. (This was also the ex where I kamikazied the 9/12's CV and nearly caused their CO to die by toothbrush).

Turned out we weren't the only ones who had such a high opinion of him, as 1 year into a 2 year posting with us he got a position as tea boy in Whitehall.
In the days of Rolo's in rations we had a GLSC who used to pinch them all the time so we disected one and emptied it, filled it with snot and put it back together, funny thing is he enjoyed it!!
A Tp Ldr had a thing for squash on exercise, but could never figure out why we had our own bottle. Bit of an arse so in went exlax, only his bottle though.

One particular S/Sgt GW Tp Ldr, "Rashley" named, was fed Exlax for about five days. Mysteriously, not much happened.

In the meantime a minor midnight nose to tail caused said S/Sgt to kiss his commanders sight and bite through his tongue. The organ then swelled up to quite large preportions. Anyway, the Ex continued and a Sep Sight trench needed digging. The S/Sgt had his go at digging, at which point the dam must have burst.

He was running as fast as his little ginger legs could go back towards the mother ship, stripping his coveralls off as he went and shouting something with a tongue the size of a size nine dap. No-one could understand a word or did not want to, he stopped half way and appeared to convulse. Yep the Exlax had made it's way.

Much dixie water and towels later..................

It appears "Bothrul" is Exlax for "Toilet Paper"!!!!!


Book Reviewer
The second week of an FTX unusually started with us advancing. And it had snowed all night. We piled into the Saracen ACV and off we went. Found a location in a farmyard and took command of the battlegroup while Zero Alpha leapfrogged us.

Commander and I sat back to back in the driver's and commander's seats for six hours non-stop logging the Task Force Command and Battlegroup Command Nets because the bench seat in the back was full of hangers-on. We never had to speak, just log what the officers said.

At 0900 we we were relieved by Zero Alpha in their alternate location and we sat in the back of the penthouse for a few seconds catching wer breath before doing breakfast and admin and stuff. No sooner had we sat down than the RSM bounded in, large as life and fresh as a daisy. "Cup of coffee for the RSO, Trooper Alien and one for me as well." I gave the RSM the eye as I walked off to find the stove.

Having dived into the location, we discovered that the mugs were all still in the back of the ACV so I walked back into the penthouse where RSM and RSO were by now ensconced on radio stag. I looked the RSM in the eye and stated, "I needed a couple of mugs." RSM looked at my driver and said, "There's one, haha." I gave him the look again and, seeing the expression he silently passed two mugs out.

Brought two mugs of coffee back, slopped them on the map table and went to walk out.

RSO (also looking fresh as a daisy, but don't all young, blond RSOs?) chips in, "Trooper Alien, can I have my breakfast please?" Without I word I stomped off and put on a dixy of Chicken Extreme. As we'd set up in the farmyard I'd clocked a very young piglet which looked like it had died from the sudden cold overnight. In a Dr Strangelove type moment I had to hold my right arm down to stop it picking up the dead piglet and warming it up in the Chicken Extreme. I settled on bogeys in his after I'd doled some out for meself. I simply couldn't be that cruel to a young officer.
Kitty Kat instead of Pilchards and Tom Sauce. Oh yer!!!!
Would have preferred that...

There is a bombardier's hell somewhere for the man who switched the handset on the tannoy for the battery net handset and vice versa. I had obviously upset him with my poor efforts on the last fireplan, breaking his consistent record of adjusting battery for umpteen years. SMIS and SMIG both took me to task but like a good boss, I did not dob in said Bombardier, who subsequently became a good mucker and went on to commission.
ok....being in the engrs, life was a tad different..hehehe :twisted: we had a phase of guys called "0(nought) to rommels :twisted: ...guys who came from other areas of the corps to reap the benefits of "T" (commanders) pay when we were a bit short of my troop we had a guy get posted in who was a clerk and a bit soft spoken bloke (to say the least) just so happens he got put with one of the strongest characters (his driver)..anyway...after a few days the driver turns up in command with the commander tied to the breech of the 165 (no stab on that baby :lol: ) saying we've had enough...staff!!! :p :twisted: :p :twisted: :p i kid you not :wink:

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