the things we do for love ..... well ,sex.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by shortfuse, Apr 28, 2005.

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  1. on a recent boys weekend away to st helens , to catch up with an old buddy of ours , one of the lads became smitten with a little fox we bumped into/spilt beer on in the pub , now i had the only other bed in the house apart from the owner , and by the end of the evening he had offered me a hundred quid to "borrow" my room... being a mate i obviously told him to kiss my swingers , but relented in the end and he slinked off early (baaaaaaaaaad mistake)

    so obviously the talk turned to wether he'd got his back wheels in yet , and the general consensus was "not if we can help it"
    the fact that he had chipped , and she had left her mate (who looked like beaker from the muppet show and was about as much fun as having your prostate squeezed by a pair of pliers) condemned "mitch" to whatever he had coming.
    so , after a very grown up game of "fight club" in the back of the black cab we decided to sneak upstairs and chuck him out of the flat....
    now , 5 drunk blokes trying to sneak sounds like one cupboard full of pots and pans being emptied out of a window so the f*cker did what any big brave bloke would do , he threw her at us and screamed like a girl and hid until we grabbed him and pulled his naked wriggling carcass down the stairs and out of the flat (she had a cracking set of norks by the way)
    After several forefeits (including star jumps, burpees and my personal favourite hop,and bark like a dog) we relented and let him back in where he went upstairs sulking and walked his new love home.

    before we left Garry's we thanked him for the weekend by cutting the feet off all his socks and departed back towards the bright lights of southern England ..... but Mitch had forgotten to get her number hadn't he...
    so he phones Garry , who not surprisingly told him to get f*cked in the tone of a sockless man.......


    he recieved a picture of our very own casanova , in the buff and holding a sign saying
    " I AM A HOMO"......surely below any mans threshold of shame...even when Garry promised faithfully he wouldn't show anyone :roll:

    you'd think so wouldn't you.

    so imagine my delight when today i recieved in my inbox that very picture, which was hysterical in itself , but what makes it double funny is the fact Mitch has got a hernia and one of his plums is the size and colour of a mongs head.

    what levels have you stooped to to get your nuts in ??
  2. Feck the question. Post the picture! How can you leave us with such a tantalising prospect of seening your mate will balls like a space hopper.
  3. Ahh st helens the true bastion of the easy woman. The pub didn't happen to be near the city centre did it? Forgotten the name but a ground for easy trapping if ever there was one.
  4. Funnily enough I was at a party where all the rooms with beds or enough floor had gone early. I suspect most of my mates were following the GUE principle - Go Ugly Early - and it has stood many of us sterling service to be fair. I was so desperate to yark it up a girl from Wigan (erm..that's a particular girl, not just any girl from Wigan), that I allowed her to take her pleasure in my handsome male form - rugged and fresh from beastings at CTC as it was - while riding a saw-horse in a carpentry store room. At the time it was fine but once man-fat had been deposited and I became aware ofd sensation in any other part of my body, I realised I had about fifteen splinters in my arse and one perilously close to the barse region.

    In the morning my mate Dave did the decent thing and extracted all of the interlopers bar one, which promptly turned septic and left me with a crater on my arse, a temperature of 106 and caused me to miss out on a trip to Belize which was substituted by a posting to that is devotion to getting your oggins I feel. Of course it would be more admirable if I had known the consequences at the time of choice...although I suppose my mental health would have been questioned.
  5. Cant get much lower than marriage!!

    I was sat with Mr Cait a few weekends back beiung all grown up & having a heart to heart over a bottle of wine. We got onto the subject of marriage and i asked the question...

    "What do you like best about being married ?" :?

    Fully expecting him to come out with something romantic about knowing that i was "the one" and that we would grow old together & retire to the county to make terracotta pots or something.......

    All this was running through my head as i watched him purse his lips and look skywards as he thought...... and he looked at me with serious expression and with a Geordie twang said....

    "The best bit's getting to ride you bare back & not having to worry about catching owt!" :D
  6. ahhh St Helens i know it too well, "Chicago Rock" meat market and "Nexus" Chav central the management used to own "Applebys" which was shut down as too many 12+ yo were getting in ,it felt like a Nursery last time i went in there

    however easy pickings can be made in St helens especially Single mothers from Parr :lol:

    you guys should have told me you were going to St Helens i would have shown you the craics :wink:
  7. nexus ..... yep i was in there , where i witnessed one of the finest pieces of marksmanship i have ever seen .... i walked in with a mate of mine called steve , about 10 minutes behind my brother and another 3 of my mates and the 2 of us stood in the entrance doing the normal blokes recce

    bars ..... birds ...... bogs ..... when suddenly ....


    steves head went back like he'd just copped a high velocity round and what looked like glass flew everywhere ...

    f*ck !! whats going on ?? who did that ?? we both jumped sideways , steve went to grab the bloke next to him and give him the good news when i happened to look up and across the dance floor to the balcony a full 45 feet away and saw my brother being given oxygen for the hysterics he was having , the c-unt had managed to hit him with a chunk of ice , not a cube a f*cking great chunk .... first shot , to the head , in a crowd....

    i filled up with tears of pride :D
  8. When I was in Belize, one of the sloppies fell in love with one of the yetis from San Ignacio.

    There was a bunch of us in the Red Rooster, having a good laugh at him. You know what the slops are like. All borderline psychos with king size chips on their shoulders (I may be generalising). He was professing his love to Elvira. Little did he know, that almost an entire battery of 29 had been finger painting her the week before, bless him.

    I had also received Horatio from her, as had anyone with 7 dollars and a bottle of rum. Even by her standards, the sloppo was beneath her. He was 4 foot, fcuk all and had the most ridiculous voice you've ever heard. Like George Formby on helium. He was from Accrington and used to stretch his words and vowels until they were unrecognisable.

    "What's in the pies, Cuddles?" (for he did sound a bit like Nookies nemesis)

    "Meeeeeet and Protaaaattttttterrr."

    He couldn't get her number, or get her to agree to fellate him.

    About a week later, i'd asked him a question about something unidentifiable on the hotplate, when he asked.

    "Naaaaa, then, ooouurrr convoyy. Tha knows Elveeeeera, dussssnt thee.?"


    "Can, theeee fixx uss ooopp with her lad. I wreeeaaallllly like hurrr."

    I agreed, but only if he gave me and four other lads a lift to a new whorehouse we'd heard about, wait outside whilst we all had a spin and then give us a lift back to the camp. The daft toss-bag agreed and spent four hours waiting for us, whilst we back-scuttled and king-konged our way through the latest Guatemalan imports.

    He did put a stop to our fun though. When we climbed back into the wagon, I got in the front seat, and he said to me, all bright eyed.

    "What wurrr it laakk convoy, eh, eh?"

    "Very nice cuddles. Prostitutes are great."

    Then he looked at me, all leery like and said.

    "I don't mind admitting it lad. When ah were sat out here, thinking about you, wee alll them prozzies, I havvet play wi' me widgie for ages."

    I tried to sit in the footwell, all the way back.

    When I upheld my part of the bargain, getting another nosh for my trouble, Elvira refused to have anything to do with him.

    "He is a forrraccking ash-hole. You tell him to fcuk off."

    Which I did.

    She was found five years later, in an MFO box in Lyneham.
  9. a normal saturday night then :lol: