The Tax Man

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by portlandbill, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian
    newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.

    Dear Mr Addison,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
    reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
    points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
    "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
    "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
    reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
    crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox
    on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally
    not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously
    suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking
    houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to
    "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a
    little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely
    that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or,
    come to that, a "sodding charity." More likely they see you as a
    citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the
    upkeep of the nation as a whole.
    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
    truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
    canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
    moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
    that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
    damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
    disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are,
    in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is
    spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores"
    whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
    example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

    1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
    with the vagaries of the postal system;
    2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with
    nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because
    even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
    medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
    way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
    point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree
    up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

    Please send it to us by Friday..

    Yours sincerely,

    H. J. Lee,

    Customer Relations,

    Inland Revenue.
  2. Pity really. I, as much as the next man, is loath to pay taxes no matter how necessary but I really do hope that some of those in the tax office would have the humor to answer some of the cutting complaints they no doubt get, with such a witty reply. I was convinced by it up to the "send it to us by Friday" line.

    One can but hope that the tax men aren't all robots and do manage to lighten the daily drudgery with the option of writing such letters.
  3. Spoof or not, after my own dealings with IR over 30 years, nearly, it did raise a broad smile !!!!!!
  4. Oh no they don't. They are not allowed to write such letters, as to do so would be contrary to LEAN working practices, and could lead to disciplainary action. Every task is measured and pared down the last second. For example, you cannot have pictures of your family on your desk space, nor a lunch box or a newspaper as these things might distract you from the work. A letter such as that from a taxpayer would take time to compose, but a template letter can be produced in less than a minute, so that's what he would get. It's a clerical factory and not a place for intelligent thought or reasoning anymore. That's why the HMRC is so crap and morale is on the floor in many offices.

    And its a spoof anyway.