PREPARATION Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!" His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, "Any chance of ma hole?" The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awa tae f**k, ya bampot, ye!" FOREPLAY Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, here we go." Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol-induced double vision. INITIAL PROBLEMS After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extended itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b**tard," or possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae ra Milkman." FELLATIO Oral is a great favorite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?" Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. "Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me." DOWN TO BUSINESS Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F**k me, I've shoat ma load." If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Shite, arsehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, "Are you sure its in?" given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man." Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.