The Scent of Wood

A city suit takes his new girlfriend out for a spin in his new M3 convertible. As it's a lovely sunny day they decide to do lunch at a rustic country pub. Whilst waiting for a drink he notices an old local sat at the bar and, to impress his Doris, tells the barman to get him a drink.

"I wouldn't bother," he says, "he's got enough beers in the barrel to last him 'til he snuffs it."

"How Come?" asks the suit. "He's got an extraordinary skill few people believe and he continually wins bets." replied the barman.
" What's that then?" asked the suit, intrigued. "He can tell any wood by type, age and use just by smelling it!"
"Ballocks!!" ejaculated the man. "Put your money where your mouth is sonny! cackled the old timer.

Right says the young lad I will bet £50 quid and I'll call your bluff. You're on says the old boy. The lad takes his bird’s scarf and covers the old boy’s eyes, spins him round a couple of times, walks him round the pub and then holds his nose close to the nearest beam. “ Go on matey, have a sniff.”
The old boy breathes deeply and said “Huh! This is easy, it’s seasoned oak, 350 years old and is definitely structural, part of a timber framed dwelling.

Fuck! Double or quits. Okay The old boy is spinned round a few more times, led up and down the road and then taken into the beer garden. The suit picks up a chair and holds it under the old timer’s nose. Again, a deep breath. Simple, 7 year old, rough cut pine, utility use, garden furniture I guess, most likely a chair.

Bloody Hell, OK same again for £500. Its your money sonny. He leads the old boy to the boot of his car a pulls out a cricket bat. The old guy sniffs and says Hmm not quite as simple, let me have another sniff. Ha! Ha! I’ve got it, 4 years old, treated willow, used as a sporting implement, definitely a cricket bat.

Holy Moly I don’t believe it. I don’t know how you’re doing it but your not getting the better of me, double or quits. I don’t want to take any more of your money lad, besides you should be looking after your lady friend, I think she’s getting fed up.

Suddenly the younger guy, who is feeling rather humiliated, has an idea. Give me one more chance, five grand this time if you get it and feck all if you can’t. Go on then.

At this he whispers to his girlfriend to hitch up her skirt, pull down her knickers, bend over and touch her toes. Once positioned, he moves the old boys nose right up to the crack of her arse, saying on you go granddad, get a whiff of that. The old boy takes a deep breath and says Hmm! I’ve not smelled anything like this before, let me try again. The lad gestures that his bird should stand up and turn round, and this time holds the old boys nose close to her snatch. After another long deep breath, the old boys stands up, pauses and declares, you nearly had me there but I’ve got it. A 40 year old shithouse door made of old fish boxes!!!.

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