The sad loss of LBdr Pork Pie

#1
It is with the greatest regret that I have to announce the demise LBdr Pork Pie. After being baked in the Ginsters Factory just outside Gateshead LBdr Pie (or "Porkie" as he was affectionately known by his mates Walkers Crisps and "Chokkie Bar", also injured in the line of duty) volunteered to sustain Tommy Atkins in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. LBdr Pie was mortally wounded when set upon by the SCH Taleban.

Asked to pay tribute to LBdr Pork Pie, DozyBint of ARRSE's 69 Rapid Bad Poetry Div HQ said:

DozyBint said:
Rest In Peace brave soul.

My sincere condolences to those who're suffering the heartbreak of losing their loved one.


Memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates.
~ Marcel Proust


My thoughts too are with those injured and their families - I hope for full and speedy recoveries.
Alternative sources said that when shown the remains of LBdr Pork Pie, what DozyBint actually said was:

"I wun dat pie so bad..." and they said, no, a comment about how sorry you are to hear of his passing, and DozyBint said, "da pie goes in ma tummy". And then she opened her mouth and pointed at it and rubbed her stomach in a circular motion, seemingly to indicate the final voyage of the pie. Then there was a loud "NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM" sound and a cloud of pastry crumbs. True story.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
RIP soldier, stand down.

You will be missed in the NAAFI.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#4
Fight. Fight. Fight.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#6
She called you brother a poof....
 
#7
She said that you sniff glue and wear your underpants when doing PT.

I love it when talks break down and verbal abuse wars start. It brings out the ten year old in me.


Fight Fight FIGHT
 
#8
I admit it...t'were NOT DB....I ate the pie! And the plate it was on...and the table!
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#9
And she said you were gay.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#11
Ok Ok, She said he was a gay walt.
 
#13
Are gay walts people who pretend to be gay?
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
Bad_Crow said:
B_AND_T said:
Ok Ok, She said he was a gay walt.


Oooooooooooo! Thats fighting talk. Well enough of this childish tosh I'm off to go buy lolly pops.
Why! Is the youth club opening.
 
#15
Looks like Dozy turned Woopert down.

Oh well. Back to wanking then old boy.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#16
Private_Pike said:
Are gay walts people who pretend to be gay?
No, they are called trendy women.









Who like comfortable shoes.
 
#17
StabTiffy2B said:
Looks like Dozy turned Woopert down.

Oh well. Back to wanking then old boy.
He's not the first. I jumped out and flashed her the other day and got jumped by two teenagers that said i was flashing their mate.
 
#18
May it soon be our pleasure to gush on this site:

"Here lies the fat cow DozyBint, choked to death - RIP".

The coroner is awaiting forensic tests to conclude if the object involved removing this burden on humanity was a "Squaddie Cóck" or a large pasty. Given that she died before pub kicking-out time, the latter is the more likely object, as most members of HMF could only drill her between the hours of 2.30am and 2.45am on a Saturday morning, when the Rohypnol and 16 pints of Buckfast were at their most effective. Trading on the FTSE have reported a drop of 18.7% on Ginsters share price in an episode of panicked selling by investors.

The local Ambulance service had to ask the assistance of the Fire Brigade and who in turn requested help from Balfour Beatty to part demolish two walls of her council tenement and supply the heavy lifting equipment to move her pestillent corpse from her squalid abode. Items found hidden in the folds of fat on her cadaver included three tv remote controls, two slices of 'Domino's meat special' pizza (contrary to a court order banning their delivery to her building) and 12 pounds and 73 pence in loose change.

The crust on her knickers (an old canvas sail left over from a Tall Ships race) and growth state of the blowfly maggots indicate that she had masturbated or had intercourse within 2 days prior to her death - police are still to find a suitable object (there were no marrows in the apartment), or a victim (local clinics report no new cases of PTSD amongst the tramps). In an attempt to quell public concerns that there might be a man walking the streets with such low standards as to have harpooned the bloater, police stated that the most likely scenario is that she ate the marrow after having rammed it up her shitter for flavouring and to remove the stench of vaginal excretions.

There will be no burial due to landfill pollution regulations. Instead a series of cremations will be held in isolated and remote incinerators around Poland over the next two weeks. The Japenese refused to accept her remains as it would have prevented them from whaling for a further 2 years. The Chinese ambassador to London explained their country's decision to copy Japan by stating "even though we eat more disgusting shite than the Nips, we have standards too!"

There will be a memorial service at the Shell petrol station outside of Scunthorpe. Fat ugly women are requested to spend one minute not trying to eat a pie or fúck a soldier. A special book of condolence has been published by Andrex for those wishing to write or quote trite and shite poetry in her memory. The book is available at all public conveniences.
 
#19
Not being the type to be on arrse 24/7; dare I ask what Dozybint has done to warrant such comments?

Unless I've missed something, there are birds hanging around the site far more deserving of abuse than her.

Edited to add:

Cancel my last. Woopert getting his knickers in a twist over nothing and having a (pretty poor if truth be told) dig.

I'll go back to sleep now.
 
#20
StabTiffy2B said:
Not being the type to be on arrse 24/7; dare I ask what Dozybint has done to warrant such comments?

Unless I've missed something, there are birds hanging around the site far more deserving of abuse than her.
Maybe she doesn't deserve it. But this is the Naafi, not the Oxford Debating Society forum.

Anyway, her poems and faux sincerity pish me off no end, so I thought I would jump on a passing bandwagon and get outraged.

Edit to add: and Woop only gets his knickers in a twist when he sees a lady (or boy come to that) with scanty clothing, or when someone politely points out to him that he has less medals than a 4 year old girl guide.
 

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