The Rumour Mill

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by onearmedwarrier, Jul 17, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I often wonder how quickly it will take a rumour to come back to me, once started, so here'sa starter for ten.

    I hear new the new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that al their kit will be registered on. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and held as insurance until kit is returned. All kit will be exchanged once a year and the whole system will be outsourced to a civvy contractor.
     
  2. I overheard the the other day...

    A new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that al their kit will be registered on. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and held as insurance until kit is returned. All kit will be exchanged once a year and the whole system will be outsourced to a civvy contractor.
     
  3. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I overheard the the other day...

    A new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that al their kit will be registered on. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and held as insurance until kit is returned, but they'll get interest on the money. All kit will be exchanged once a year, and the interest used to pay for wear and tear, and the whole system will be outsourced to a PFI firm in Pakistan.
     
  4. Alsacien

    Alsacien LE Moderator

    I overheard the the other day...

    A new system for being billed for kit in the STABS will be on a PAY style scheme. Nigs will be issued an ID card that all their kit will be billed against. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and will go towards buying new kit for other STABS. All kit will be exchanged for something worse once a year and the whole system will be outsourced to a civvy contractor who gets a commision on profits made for the MOD.[/quote]
     
  5. A new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that all their kit will be registered on. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and Gordon Brown will keep the fcuking lot and issue them with some duff kit donated by Oxfam.
     
  6. I hear new the new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a BOGOF style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that all their personal details will be registered on. Their entire bank account will be automatically emptied by the system and lost due to a computer glitch. None of their kit will be ever exchanged and the whole system will be outsourced to a civvy contractor after a substantial brown envelope stuffed with £50 notes has been "donated" to the political party in government.
     
  7. A bloke in the bar told me that a new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be issued a swipe card that all their kit will be registered on. The swipe card system will run on JPA and the helpdesk will only be available during the week. The system will take 3 years to go live and fail to meet requirements. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and held as insurance until kit is returned. All kit will be exchanged once a year and the old kit will be sold to civvy building contractors.
     
  8. I hear the new system for being issued kit in the TA is that a nice man with a calm voice and a moustache will give you everything you want, as long as it's green, and it will be brand spanking new, not leak or have crusty bits where the bloke before you failed to wash it properly, and it will smell like roses and never malfunction. Broken zips will be a thing of the past, and you won't have to borrow ponchos from another unit because your Regiment only has 3 and likes to keep them at HQ 'just in case'.
     
  9.  
  10. I heard a rumour that the TA are to get their kit issue on an IOU system, only redeemable at RTMC. All G10 stores are to be held centrally at a new rebuild at Donnington, to be released as needed for ops unless someone doesn't put their fag-end out again.

    Funds released by this measure are to go towards supporting ops by training transgender single-parents (of both sexes and all ethnicities) to create 'Support Our Troops' websites.
     
  11. Well I heard the new system for being issued kit in the TA will be on a PAYD style scheme. New recruits will be required to produce their National Identity Card which they have paid for on a PAYE basis and all their kit will be registered on. Their wages will be automatically docked by the system and held by the Treasury to bail out the next bank to get in shit. All kit will be one size fits nobody, issued on a "make it last your service life" basis and the whole system will be outsourced to India where the contractor will povide a call centre number beginning 118 and people manning it called "Andrew Johnson," but have a strangely Indian accent!
     
  12. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I was talking to a civil servant who works in MoD who had heard from the Director of manning that the TA would not get any kit issued until they had all served a tour on ops, and even then they would have to divert via Pakistan, to Lahore, to collect the kit from a tailor-wallah who would make it to their own specs as they waited, as long as the bought enough egg banjos to make it worthwhile.
     
  13. I heard that the TA are fat.
     
  14. I had heard that Sodhexo were entering into a joint venture with Hays Personnel to provide the new TA, renamed the United Kingdom Uniformed Notional Troop Service, with the focus now changing from providing augmentable troops to "Notional" troops who would be used as part of an extensive IED clearance programme, reducing strain on helicopters having to be used as transport. The recruitment scheme will be under the banner of "Link Arms And March in A straight Line Across Afghanistan".

    Most UKUNTS personnel will be retrained bankers and out of work polish plumbers.