The Ring of Fire

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Blackrat, Mar 2, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. So i'm on nights. I'm bored but c0cking around on arrse and cnutbook when i get the urge to scratch my hoop, as it's a bit sweaty. Thinking it may be fun to skiff the next bloke who walks through the door, i stick my finger down my crack and give it a good scratch.

    Trouble is, i can't stop scratching. I've been doing it for at least half an hour. It's like i've just taken smack and i've got the bug or i've broken the seal by going for a p1ss while on a session and i can't stop. My poor old starfish looks like a blood orange and the pain is fcuking horrendous to be honest.

    Anyone had this problem before and if so, what the fcuk do i do?
     
  2. worms mate should go to the vets about that.
     
  3. yep, had that before from "raking out the garden"

    best thing to do is get some bog roll, with extremely cold water and gently, and i do mean gently dab around the jap flag.

    Be careful when you go for a shower too as the hot water will give you a relapse of red rectum!!

    good luck
     
  4. Apply 'Skin so Soft'.

    It will smart a tad.

    JB
     
  5. I wish it was soft. Feels like a cats tongue at the moment.
     
  6. Blackrat, from this and your other post it would appear that you have some serious arrse issues, i would get yourself checked out if i were you. Could be IBS or just an intolerance or something, could be a case of the old farmers getting to you or and i hope not could be something more serious. Get down to the MO for a hoop check.
     
  7. The last topic was an update but you could be quite correct Colonel. Methinks a trip to the arrse doctor is needed.
     
  8. no no.. you should keep scratching it until it loses all muscle and turns slacker than RAF Regiments actions on drills.

    dont tell anyone else! keep it as your dirty little secret ;)
     
  9. just looked it up on the internet and it seems that if a bird has thrush she can dip a tampon in yogurt and stick that up her fanny it eases the symptoms

    so may I suggest you get a tampon smear it in strawberry yogurt and shove it up the chocolate starfish
    could you let us know if it works
     
  10. Wire brush and dettol!!

    go on you know you want to try it!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
     
  11. I've stopped scratching and it hurts. Oh God how it hurts.
     
  12. Anusol is your friend. Be prepared for the knowing smirk from the pharmacist when you buy it,,,,,,,
     
  13. Stop eating curry
     
  14. It's a dermitital reaction to a deep muscular spasm, it causes blood to rush to the surface in an attempt to relax the sphincter. As with any muscle strain, the best remedy is a liberal application of Deep Heat to the bullet hole, that will relax the sphincter and alleviate the itching.
     

  15. You Sir, are either some kind of medical genius, or a complete Sadistic barsteward