The Pronouncements of Empress Mong

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Blogg, Dec 20, 2007.

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  1. Last evening I was working through the Pronouncements of Emperor Mong thread and as usual PSML when Mrs B. staggers in, fresh from her post work Crimbo bacchanalia at the Flea and Armpit.

    She clearly has taken a load on and demands to see what amuses me so much. A bit of translation required here & there but much merriment.

    But then her face darkens:

    “S’ whaddabout the Pronouncements of the Empress Mong then eh?? Not just blokes that get such visitations”

    Good point. So here we are:

    The Pronouncements of Empress Mong,

    First one courtesy of Mrs Blogg, who as I type is either snoring in a most unattractive fashion still with tinsel in her hair or creeping about Schloss Blogg with an Empress sized hangover.

    The sun shone brightly, the snow was deep and crisp and all was well. Indeed Mrs Blogg (MB) was chuffed because she had worked it so that Mr B had no option but to fund a hugely expensive Christmas/New Year family skiing holiday or face the dreadful prospect of playing host to her mother, step father, idiot sister, equally idiot husband and their really foul children.

    No Christmas stress. Nary a single bit of cooking or cleaning to do. Arise, off to the “wellness centre” for a swim, thence to brekky, tell the kids & Mr B to bugger off to ski groups, get kitted up, meet up with other like minded females, a few runs on the slopes then a hot chocolate and a natter, few more runs, lunch. Bit more skiing before an après ski drink or three, back to hotel for the free cake buffet, another swim, sauna, massage, bit of a doze before dinner, drinkies in bar, off to nightclub and if Mr B was still alive, capable of locomotion and speech at that point maybe a holiday shag.

    So, one afternoon, in a haze of post lunch wellbeing, MB spots B who has peeled off from his group for an early bath following a most spectacular high speed face plant.

    Phut! The dread Empress Mong (EsM) appears beside her:

    EsM: “Greetings, lowly one. Art thou having a good time?”

    MB: “Indeed Empress. My subtle blackmail was a great triumph and I am really enjoying it.”

    EsM: “Then you should appear to repay the kindness shown by this pathetic fool. Allow him to share this T-bar with you. Greater favours may follow”

    MB: “But Empress! Last time we shared a T-bar it resulted in near divorce! He is an oaf and our disparity in stature plus my crap skiing skills means that one of us always ends up a right cropper to the huge amusement of all!”

    EsM: “Silence, baggage! Do as I say and all will be well”

    Some time later:

    EsM: “And?”

    MB: “It did not go as well as promised, Highness. The last bit of the track was very steep and anxious not to cause another ruck I tried to get off too soon and slid back and fell over, causing some distress to B who had knackered his left wrist in the fall and could not clear the bar end that was thus stuffed up under his jacket . He was dragged face first into the poles at the end of the run off track. Harsh words were spoken followed by a great and sullen silence.”

    EsM: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    (Note: To this day Mr & Mrs B never, ever share a T-bar)
  2. WTF is a T-Bar???
  3. The purpose of T bars is for smooth young officers to get alongside the posh German schoolgirl totty. It is certainly not to be wasted on the missus.
  4. It's one of those things. You know an owgamaflip. Drags you up the side of a hill, which you tuck behind your what-not.

    Got it?
  5. Alsacien

    Alsacien LE Moderator

    Depending on how long, hard, bumpy or cold it is - possible a good cause for divorce.....
  6. No, must be some gay winter sports thing.

    The Current Mrs Bat_Crab is not affected by the Empress Mong, she is the Empress Mong.
  7. Have you ever heard of that very nearly tip top secret part of the internet called google?

    Can lead you to something known to geeks as the wiki?

    :wink: :twisted: :lol:
  8. So it is some gay winter sports thing then.
  9. Spoil sport. I liked my description better. :p
  10. That's cleared that up then ... for a moment I thought it was a bar ... that only served tea. FFS what would be the point of that?
  11. They have them in Arab countries don't they?
  12. Have you ever heard of a Wah??

  13. Curses!

    may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arrsehole for all time.

    I hope your next shite is a fcukin hedgehog.

    Bloody wahhed at my age. Will never live this down..... Mutter grummble sulk...

  14. If it is any consolation I actually had no idea.
  15. My first Wah on arrse. And it worked a treat!!

    Lucky ive already had a poo today though!!