The Problem With Porn

AKA - An Exercise In Euphemisms.

Statisticians would probably tell you that approximately 95% of the worlds adult population have, or still do, watch porn. Hands up, we’ve all had a peek, even if it was only that 1974 release, Flesh Gordon. Psychologists will tell you it’s all perfectly healthy and good for you … as long as you aren’t repeatedly viewing And Now For The Gimp Mask 2 or myaslsationlovesme.com. So what is my beef with this commonly acceptable form of adult entertainment?

Well let me start by saying I am not a prude, I’m not here to deliver a lecture and I’m not about to condemn you all to the burning Pits of Hell for all eternity … although you do know that’s where you’re going don’t you? I just want to point out a few of the obvious and keep this light-hearted.

So lets plunge straight in at the deep end, if you’ll forgive the pun.

The first problem with porn is the sheer size of the phalluses displayed. They all seem to average 10 inches in length with the circumference of a pony’s ankle. Any dong that big HAS to hurt the recipient. I’m no doctor but I’m no anatomical Suez either. We all know of the pchinga’s ability to stretch to alarming widths (yes, I saw the ‘marrow’ clip), but how many of you know that it’s usually only about 3 inches deep, 4 when she’s feeling very frisky? Now I have read articles by doctors stating a woman’s flue can extend itself by up to 150% … but they were all males and you have to ask yourself exactly what kind of first hand experience they have and when was the last time they got up in the morning with their cervix battered and bleeding ? I also know that the base of a man’s chappy is very sensitive, so if it’s not all going in …….. twice the size, half the pleasure surely? Now I know how sensitive you guys are about the dimensions of your willies, so the first problem with porn is the negative effect on the average male viewer’s ego and self-esteem. I once had a bloke try and chat me up with the opening line “I’m hung like a stallion babe!” My reply: “Then go fuck a horse.”

The second problem with porn is this: all these big knobs on view and who are the main viewers? Men. I don’t dispute the fact that many women watch porn, but it is still true to say that the main audience is male. Now if I’m snuggled up watching a dirty movie with the significant other and on the screen strides Billy Hick with his jonson slung over his shoulder and my Other starts adjusting his shorts, I have to ask myself just what the hell is going on. Is his little man feeling threatened and decided to retreat, in which case the movie is hardly effective foreplay, OR, more worrying yet, is it showing an interest I was hitherto unaware of? Yeah, I know, you guys only watch it for the girls …. so why all these gigantic c0cks? Please don’t try and tell me it’s for the female viewers because 98% of women I’ve spoken to would prefer to see something realistic, and as we already know, porn is aimed at men more so than women.

The third problem with porn are the ‘actresses’. I use that term as loosely as I suspect they are. Now just as men are confronted with unrealistic macho super studs, we ladies are confronted with Beach Babe Barbie. Perfect in every visible department, and all departments are HIGHLY visible, these young ladies make my love handles wince. Perfect make-up, perfect bodies and perfect obedience. Never a stray spiders leg or smudged mascara. The significant other may be pleased but I’m already panicking and working on a battle plan to ensure the light stays OFF tonight. My ‘sexy little number’ is no match for these slutty Amazons in stilettos. Once again self-esteem takes a battering and we’re back to the missionary position for the foreseeable future. The only thing that cheers me up is knowing it won’t be me suffering an anal prolapse at 30.

The fourth problem with porn is the dialogue. It doesn’t matter what language its in, I know “OH MY GOD!” and “YEAH THAT’S GOOD BABY!” when I hear it and it never fails to illicit raucous snorting as I attempt not to fall onto the rug in hysterics.. I probably wouldn’t sit there sniggering into my wine if it at least sounded somewhat heartfelt, but that’s the thing about porn isn’t it? It’s all wild thrusting, bad acting and no lube.

Which brings me neatly on to the fifth problem. Gadgets, lube and c0ck slapping. What the hell is going on? I saw a movie and this bloke picked up what looked like something my grandma used to shove in socks when darning them, he then spat on the end and with no further ado rammed it up a girls bottom! (I later discovered it wasn’t a darning mushroom at all but a butt plug) I can’t express just how hard that made everything clamp shut and the strong urge to hibernate for the winter. Gadgets and gizmos are all good fun but PLEASE don’t try using spit as lube at home folks. It’s movie magic, nothing more. Moving on … can anyone explain this knob slapping carp? Studley whips it out and starts beating her around the chops with it …. WTF? Does my face have erogenous zones I’m unaware of ? No, of course it doesn’t, it’s just more porn bullsh1t … try it at home and see just how ridiculous it is. And don’t even get me started on bukkake because 20 men all stood w@nking off over some woman’s arrse is ghey … don’t tell me they keep their eyes on the target! GHEY!

If I’ve gone and ruined this evenings planned entertainment, apologees; there’s always Gardener’s World or some other bollx on the box.

 

Gardener's World is on Friday, I've a few more days before I shoot my dirty water for Sarah Raven.

 

I really do hate to admit it, lads, but the lass has made a series of rather good points!

 

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It has naked women with big breasts, everything else you mentioned doesn't even register with the average male viewer, all we see is naked women with big breats.

 

quite a few good posts from Valks considering she? (I presume) joined only yesterday. Yes I have to agree with what you say Fancy making a reality porn movie?

 

Vimeiro - are you ghey or over 70?

CarpeDiem - I did my research.

Sponge - it always comes back to being breast fed. Doesn't that worry you?

 

Valks we do know all these facts about porn but there is the laughter factor that can be had, try a night of porn star sex with your significant other, sayings and actions as if in a flick and try to keep a straight face.

 

She is right of course but hey I will still be watching it anyway.

 

can't believe she's whinging about c0ck slapping, personally i won't buy a bongo flick that doesn't at some point show a woman being mushroomed

 

Valks. Do you have some issues going on today. Your threads are starting to take on a theme????

 

Did you mention breasts?

 

TY, flattery is a good start but what are the wages like? I want time and a half for goldfish and triple time if you're expecting flaming frogs.

 

Valks - are you a Freudian or Jungian psychoanalyst?

 

Music. She forgot the mood music. There's nothing quite like the "oooing" and "aaahhhingg" as he thrusts his 8" of throbbing manhood into her gaping love grotto accompanied by 'The Winner Takes it All' - by that other great Scandanavian export ABBA. Kurt Stigger (enough hair between his armpits and his navel to knit 2 Navaho blankets) mounting Susie Arslikken just wouldn't be the same without the cheesy 70's music.

 

Well then, in all your research, did you find some films that did work for the ladies or were they all of the "fake nails and suntan" type?

I only ask for the sake of "research" of course