Valks
Old-Salt
AKA - An Exercise In Euphemisms.
Statisticians would probably tell you that approximately 95% of the worlds adult population have, or still do, watch porn. Hands up, weâve all had a peek, even if it was only that 1974 release, Flesh Gordon. Psychologists will tell you itâs all perfectly healthy and good for you ⦠as long as you arenât repeatedly viewing And Now For The Gimp Mask 2 or myaslsationlovesme.com. So what is my beef with this commonly acceptable form of adult entertainment?
Well let me start by saying I am not a prude, Iâm not here to deliver a lecture and Iâm not about to condemn you all to the burning Pits of Hell for all eternity ⦠although you do know thatâs where youâre going donât you? I just want to point out a few of the obvious and keep this light-hearted.
So lets plunge straight in at the deep end, if youâll forgive the pun.
The first problem with porn is the sheer size of the phalluses displayed. They all seem to average 10 inches in length with the circumference of a ponyâs ankle. Any dong that big HAS to hurt the recipient. Iâm no doctor but Iâm no anatomical Suez either. We all know of the pchingaâs ability to stretch to alarming widths (yes, I saw the âmarrowâ clip), but how many of you know that itâs usually only about 3 inches deep, 4 when sheâs feeling very frisky? Now I have read articles by doctors stating a womanâs flue can extend itself by up to 150% ⦠but they were all males and you have to ask yourself exactly what kind of first hand experience they have and when was the last time they got up in the morning with their cervix battered and bleeding ? I also know that the base of a manâs chappy is very sensitive, so if itâs not all going in â¦â¦.. twice the size, half the pleasure surely? Now I know how sensitive you guys are about the dimensions of your willies, so the first problem with porn is the negative effect on the average male viewerâs ego and self-esteem. I once had a bloke try and chat me up with the opening line âIâm hung like a stallion babe!â My reply: âThen go fuck a horse.â
The second problem with porn is this: all these big knobs on view and who are the main viewers? Men. I donât dispute the fact that many women watch porn, but it is still true to say that the main audience is male. Now if Iâm snuggled up watching a dirty movie with the significant other and on the screen strides Billy Hick with his jonson slung over his shoulder and my Other starts adjusting his shorts, I have to ask myself just what the hell is going on. Is his little man feeling threatened and decided to retreat, in which case the movie is hardly effective foreplay, OR, more worrying yet, is it showing an interest I was hitherto unaware of? Yeah, I know, you guys only watch it for the girls â¦. so why all these gigantic c0cks? Please donât try and tell me itâs for the female viewers because 98% of women Iâve spoken to would prefer to see something realistic, and as we already know, porn is aimed at men more so than women.
The third problem with porn are the âactressesâ. I use that term as loosely as I suspect they are. Now just as men are confronted with unrealistic macho super studs, we ladies are confronted with Beach Babe Barbie. Perfect in every visible department, and all departments are HIGHLY visible, these young ladies make my love handles wince. Perfect make-up, perfect bodies and perfect obedience. Never a stray spiders leg or smudged mascara. The significant other may be pleased but Iâm already panicking and working on a battle plan to ensure the light stays OFF tonight. My âsexy little numberâ is no match for these slutty Amazons in stilettos. Once again self-esteem takes a battering and weâre back to the missionary position for the foreseeable future. The only thing that cheers me up is knowing it wonât be me suffering an anal prolapse at 30.
The fourth problem with porn is the dialogue. It doesnât matter what language its in, I know âOH MY GOD!â and âYEAH THATâS GOOD BABY!â when I hear it and it never fails to illicit raucous snorting as I attempt not to fall onto the rug in hysterics.. I probably wouldnât sit there sniggering into my wine if it at least sounded somewhat heartfelt, but thatâs the thing about porn isnât it? Itâs all wild thrusting, bad acting and no lube.
Which brings me neatly on to the fifth problem. Gadgets, lube and c0ck slapping. What the hell is going on? I saw a movie and this bloke picked up what looked like something my grandma used to shove in socks when darning them, he then spat on the end and with no further ado rammed it up a girls bottom! (I later discovered it wasnât a darning mushroom at all but a butt plug) I canât express just how hard that made everything clamp shut and the strong urge to hibernate for the winter. Gadgets and gizmos are all good fun but PLEASE donât try using spit as lube at home folks. Itâs movie magic, nothing more. Moving on ⦠can anyone explain this knob slapping carp? Studley whips it out and starts beating her around the chops with it â¦. WTF? Does my face have erogenous zones Iâm unaware of ? No, of course it doesnât, itâs just more porn bullsh1t ⦠try it at home and see just how ridiculous it is. And donât even get me started on bukkake because 20 men all stood w@nking off over some womanâs arrse is ghey ⦠donât tell me they keep their eyes on the target! GHEY!
If Iâve gone and ruined this evenings planned entertainment, apologees; thereâs always Gardenerâs World or some other bollx on the box.
Statisticians would probably tell you that approximately 95% of the worlds adult population have, or still do, watch porn. Hands up, weâve all had a peek, even if it was only that 1974 release, Flesh Gordon. Psychologists will tell you itâs all perfectly healthy and good for you ⦠as long as you arenât repeatedly viewing And Now For The Gimp Mask 2 or myaslsationlovesme.com. So what is my beef with this commonly acceptable form of adult entertainment?
Well let me start by saying I am not a prude, Iâm not here to deliver a lecture and Iâm not about to condemn you all to the burning Pits of Hell for all eternity ⦠although you do know thatâs where youâre going donât you? I just want to point out a few of the obvious and keep this light-hearted.
So lets plunge straight in at the deep end, if youâll forgive the pun.
The first problem with porn is the sheer size of the phalluses displayed. They all seem to average 10 inches in length with the circumference of a ponyâs ankle. Any dong that big HAS to hurt the recipient. Iâm no doctor but Iâm no anatomical Suez either. We all know of the pchingaâs ability to stretch to alarming widths (yes, I saw the âmarrowâ clip), but how many of you know that itâs usually only about 3 inches deep, 4 when sheâs feeling very frisky? Now I have read articles by doctors stating a womanâs flue can extend itself by up to 150% ⦠but they were all males and you have to ask yourself exactly what kind of first hand experience they have and when was the last time they got up in the morning with their cervix battered and bleeding ? I also know that the base of a manâs chappy is very sensitive, so if itâs not all going in â¦â¦.. twice the size, half the pleasure surely? Now I know how sensitive you guys are about the dimensions of your willies, so the first problem with porn is the negative effect on the average male viewerâs ego and self-esteem. I once had a bloke try and chat me up with the opening line âIâm hung like a stallion babe!â My reply: âThen go fuck a horse.â
The second problem with porn is this: all these big knobs on view and who are the main viewers? Men. I donât dispute the fact that many women watch porn, but it is still true to say that the main audience is male. Now if Iâm snuggled up watching a dirty movie with the significant other and on the screen strides Billy Hick with his jonson slung over his shoulder and my Other starts adjusting his shorts, I have to ask myself just what the hell is going on. Is his little man feeling threatened and decided to retreat, in which case the movie is hardly effective foreplay, OR, more worrying yet, is it showing an interest I was hitherto unaware of? Yeah, I know, you guys only watch it for the girls â¦. so why all these gigantic c0cks? Please donât try and tell me itâs for the female viewers because 98% of women Iâve spoken to would prefer to see something realistic, and as we already know, porn is aimed at men more so than women.
The third problem with porn are the âactressesâ. I use that term as loosely as I suspect they are. Now just as men are confronted with unrealistic macho super studs, we ladies are confronted with Beach Babe Barbie. Perfect in every visible department, and all departments are HIGHLY visible, these young ladies make my love handles wince. Perfect make-up, perfect bodies and perfect obedience. Never a stray spiders leg or smudged mascara. The significant other may be pleased but Iâm already panicking and working on a battle plan to ensure the light stays OFF tonight. My âsexy little numberâ is no match for these slutty Amazons in stilettos. Once again self-esteem takes a battering and weâre back to the missionary position for the foreseeable future. The only thing that cheers me up is knowing it wonât be me suffering an anal prolapse at 30.
The fourth problem with porn is the dialogue. It doesnât matter what language its in, I know âOH MY GOD!â and âYEAH THATâS GOOD BABY!â when I hear it and it never fails to illicit raucous snorting as I attempt not to fall onto the rug in hysterics.. I probably wouldnât sit there sniggering into my wine if it at least sounded somewhat heartfelt, but thatâs the thing about porn isnât it? Itâs all wild thrusting, bad acting and no lube.
Which brings me neatly on to the fifth problem. Gadgets, lube and c0ck slapping. What the hell is going on? I saw a movie and this bloke picked up what looked like something my grandma used to shove in socks when darning them, he then spat on the end and with no further ado rammed it up a girls bottom! (I later discovered it wasnât a darning mushroom at all but a butt plug) I canât express just how hard that made everything clamp shut and the strong urge to hibernate for the winter. Gadgets and gizmos are all good fun but PLEASE donât try using spit as lube at home folks. Itâs movie magic, nothing more. Moving on ⦠can anyone explain this knob slapping carp? Studley whips it out and starts beating her around the chops with it â¦. WTF? Does my face have erogenous zones Iâm unaware of ? No, of course it doesnât, itâs just more porn bullsh1t ⦠try it at home and see just how ridiculous it is. And donât even get me started on bukkake because 20 men all stood w@nking off over some womanâs arrse is ghey ⦠donât tell me they keep their eyes on the target! GHEY!
If Iâve gone and ruined this evenings planned entertainment, apologees; thereâs always Gardenerâs World or some other bollx on the box.
