The Priory

#1
Sir,
Having recently been involved in some selfless and important work on behalf of my country that entailed me staying in the duty bunk at the Priory, I was pleasantly surprised at the new level of facilities to be found therein. Not only was there an exceedingly good supply of beverage making facilities, but also some up to date copies of Zoo and Loaded magazine! However, the icing on the cake must certainly be the half-full box of man-sized tissues on the bedside table. Those Officers' Mess staff think of everything, bless 'em; why, with such superb w@nking material to hand, I hardly even noticed that the bunk still did not contain a television set. I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those concerned through the tomes of your worthy organ. Jolly well done!!

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
 
#2
You can tell its a better class of facilities in the Officers Mess. I still cannot get the stench of stale w@nk juice out of my nostrils from the North Sangar in Lisburn. That was 14 years ago.
 
#3
Slightly_Nasty said:
Sir,
Having recently been involved in some selfless and important work on behalf of my country that entailed me staying in the duty bunk at the Priory, I was pleasantly surprised at the new level of facilities to be found therein. Not only was there an exceedingly good supply of beverage making facilities, but also some up to date copies of Zoo and Loaded magazine! However, the icing on the cake must certainly be the half-full box of man-sized tissues on the bedside table. Those Officers' Mess staff think of everything, bless 'em; why, with such superb w*nking material to hand, I hardly even noticed that the bunk still did not contain a television set. I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those concerned through the tomes of your worthy organ. Jolly well done!!

Lt Col (Retd) Bertrand Gusset-Sniffer
General Staff (V)
So the ghostly Nun didnt give you a hand then?
 
#4
Sir,
I hope you will allow me, through the tomes of your worthy organ, to canvass some G1 advice from fellow correspondents. The question I wish to ask is this; for how long should one have to pay for one's previous transgressions?
I ask, you understand, not for myself, but on behalf of one of my soldiers, who, whilst serving his country on selfless and important work on sangar duty in Northern Ireland a little over 14 years ago, was discovered by the Duty Officer indulging in a sexual act with two dobermanns, a carton of yoghurt and a discarded pair of NBC (outer) gloves. Despite the fact that this behaviour was an accepted part of unit tradition, and in common practice amongst many members of the Defence Security Platoon, he alone was disciplined; this resulted in him losing his security vetting, being dismissed from his position as Akela of the local cub scout troop, and he has not been promoted since. Surely, this man has now been punished sufficiently? He now has little chance of being promoted to Lance-Corporal; he has lost his security vetting; his respect in the local community and the unstinting devotion of two dobermanns. At what stage should one approach the Army Board on his behalf to request that the severe reprimand is removed from his record?

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
 
#5
Slightly_Nasty said:
Sir,
I hope you will allow me, through the tomes of your worthy organ, to canvass some G1 advice from fellow correspondents. The question I wish to ask is this; for how long should one have to pay for one's previous transgressions?
I ask, you understand, not for myself, but on behalf of one of my soldiers, who, whilst serving his country on selfless and important work on sangar duty in Northern Ireland a little over 14 years ago, was discovered by the Duty Officer indulging in a sexual act with two dobermanns, a carton of yoghurt and a discarded pair of NBC (outer) gloves. Despite the fact that this behaviour was an accepted part of unit tradition, and in common practice amongst many members of the Defence Security Platoon, he alone was disciplined; this resulted in him losing his security vetting, being dismissed from his position as Akela of the local cub scout troop, and he has not been promoted since. Surely, this man has now been punished sufficiently? He now has little chance of being promoted to Lance-Corporal; he has lost his security vetting; his respect in the local community and the unstinting devotion of two dobermanns. At what stage should one approach the Army Board on his behalf to request that the severe reprimand is removed from his record?

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
That was never proved. It was his word against mine!!!!! By the way Rover and Rex are both doing well, if still a little bow-legged.
 
#6
Sir,
Having once again been involved in some selfless and important work on behalf of my country that entailed me staying in the duty bunk at the Priory, I feel I should, through the tomes of your worthy organ, warn my comrades of the dangers of loose talk on this site; clearly there are authoritarian elements monitoring this site who begrudge a fellow the pleasure of a cup of coffee and a harmless J Arthur (not at the same time, I should stress). I must report that the once generous supply of beverage making facilities is now reduced to a regulation two sachets of instant coffee; worse than this, all gentlemen's relish publications have been removed, to be replaced by out of date copies of soldier magazine and the half-full box of man-sized tissues on the bedside table was nowhere to be seen, doubtlessly long ago exhausted given the number of LE Captains that frequent the place. Since the complete rotters and self-imposed guardians of my morals who run the Mess have still not installed a TV set, I was left under the circumstances with no other choice but to make a nocturnal raid on the ladies laundry room.
I am writing to my MP about this, and urge you all to do the same.

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
 
#7
Ah, so you haven't found the newsagents next to the barbers shop in Shefford then? They do a fantastic line in Gentlemens review literature. Top tip - they also sell bargain wrapped - 3 for a tenner! The sort of cheekyness that would leave more well known publications blushing with embarrassment! Not that I've purchased said items from there M'lud! :roll: :roll: :roll: :wink:
 
#8
Slightly_Nasty said:
Since the complete rotters and self-imposed guardians of my morals who run the Mess have still not installed a TV set,
This must be one for the Private MI Crime correspondant?

When I was a young slip of a lad there was a TV in the Ord Offr's bunk.
( In those days, ord offr was also allowed to tether his horse in the courtyard and Wordstar was the WP package of choice )

Just after I left there, a Kingo WO2 was posted into NIIB, suggest you direct your enquiries in that direction.

( alternatively it might be possible that Priory has not had a teeth-arm PMC for a while?)
 
#9
All well and good fellas and you do indeed have a lovely Officers Mess. I was there recently on a course and had a great time. Only bad point was the fact that I had to stay in the rubbish houses behind the Mess and not in the Priory itself. The Mess is huge and I cannot understand why there are so few bed spaces inside it? Maybe it's to store all that Crypto, eh lads! :wink:
 
#10
hurryupandwait said:
Only bad point was the fact that I had to stay in the rubbish houses behind the Mess and not in the Priory itself...
Yep - I had to share with a nice chap from JSIO which made it bearable.

Don't even get me started on why we aren't allowed to cook in the houses, however... :evil:
 
#11
Sir

I write to complain about the lack of commentary on the state of the Priory Duty Officer's Bunk, from certain Warrant Officers in the Corps.
It would appear that duties are not coming round often enough, despite the shortage of suitable manpower due to the continued deployment of members of No 4 Company JSIO on matters of national importance, and especially at weekends and public holidays.

I have had a number of duty meals in the Priory myself and would like to confirm today, that I have never seen a Liberal Democrat MP in there, ever.

I remain Sir yours

Gilbert Teen-Monk
Capt (NRPS)
Royal Horse Artillery
592 Underwater Laser Target Designation Freefall Locating Bty RA ( Scampions Own)
JSIO Attached
 
#12
Ozgerbobble said:
Slightly_Nasty said:
Sir,
Having recently been involved in some selfless and important work on behalf of my country that entailed me staying in the duty bunk at the Priory, I was pleasantly surprised at the new level of facilities to be found therein. Not only was there an exceedingly good supply of beverage making facilities, but also some up to date copies of Zoo and Loaded magazine! However, the icing on the cake must certainly be the half-full box of man-sized tissues on the bedside table. Those Officers' Mess staff think of everything, bless 'em; why, with such superb w*nking material to hand, I hardly even noticed that the bunk still did not contain a television set. I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those concerned through the tomes of your worthy organ. Jolly well done!!

Lt Col (Retd) Bertrand Gusset-Sniffer
General Staff (V)
So the ghostly Nun didnt give you a hand then?
She gave up waiting, apparently she threw her wimple out of the window because she had to wait behind a long line of Int Corps Warrant Officers who wanted to perfect their techniques.

She might be back to give the odd LE Captain a reach-around.
 
#13
Sir,
I have yet again been involved in some selfless and important work on behalf of my country that entailed me staying in the duty bunk at the Priory. The frequency of these occasions is largely, I suspect, something to do with the massive operational burdens that preclude other Units from supplying manpower. My own Unit, of course, is not at all busy and has has no operational role whatsoever, so I do not resent their lack of contribution in any way. But I digress.
The purpose of this tome is to warn my comrades of the dangers inherent in the poor design of the bathroom. The sink, clearly not even big enough to wash one's hands in, is totally unsuitable for bathing one's genitals! I tried to do this after a rather satisfying tug whilst perusing some gentlemen's relish on the lavatory. This is the only entertainment available to poor Duty Officers as they have still not replaced the television that was removed last year. After eventually contorting myself into a position that allowed my genitals to actually make contact with the water (a most pleasant sensation if the temperature is just right), even the slightest movement of soap over flesh (ditto) caused the contents of the basin to slop out onto the floor. It was but mere seconds later that my feet slipped on the pool of soapy water that had accumulated, and I was extremely lucky not to bang ny head on the rim of the toilet seat when I fell. Has the duty bunk never been inspected by those Health and Safety chappies? if not, why not?
I am writing to my MP about this, and urge you all to do the same.

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
 
#14
Crivens, it must be awfully dull 'stagging on' old boy. Surely you could take the opportunity to inspect the new
young ladies Z Type accommodation at some ungodly hour, purely in order to ensure that it is being properly
'taken care of'?
Ahem....
 
#15
Slightly_Nasty said:
Sir,
...........The purpose of this tome is to warn my comrades of the dangers inherent in the poor design of the bathroom. The sink, clearly not even big enough to wash one's hands in, is totally unsuitable for bathing one's genitals! I tried to do this after a rather satisfying tug whilst perusing some gentlemen's relish on the lavatory. .........

....Has the duty bunk never been inspected by those Health and Safety chappies? if not, why not?
...
Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
Sir

As a result of a previous H+S assessment of the Duty Officer's bunk a number of wireless webcams were installed in said establishment by a community minded officer, surprisingly, with some limited technical ability in this field.

From a recent IiP and ISO 9001 external audit, the external assessors did remark that correct data protection act notices were not in evidence in the bunk in question. It is somewhat regrettable that corrective action has not been taken, in spite of several requests to DISC SU that an appropriate notice be published in Part 1 Orders ( I mean Station Routine Orders) :oops: .

I remain yours etc

S Atta ( RO ) BEM, DoBNK Flt Lt RAF ( Retd)
SO3 J4 ( Quartering ) + OC Javelin team
for
OC Supply Sqn
RAF Chicksands
a.o.d ( winter olympics)
 
#16
Sir,
Having been involved in selfless and important work on behalf of my country for my entire adult life, I wish to query the generosity of the Armed Forces pension. Within just a few short weeks of my retirement, I found it barely enough to survive on, and was forced to seek employment to supplement it, like some working class member of the common soldiery! Worse still, the platoon-size box of tissues that I liberated from the Officer's Mess on my departure is now completely exhausted; the television has never worked properly since the day I stuffed it in my bergen - most clearly a shameful reflection on the quality of equipment supplied to the Army these days! Surely, no-one can expect a gentlemen of considerable social standing, and with a career that is as glittering and illustrious as my own, to scrimp and save for even the most basic elements required for a quick and occasional tug in the autumn of his life?
My Armed Forces pension requires an urgent review, else I will be forced to pay even more frequent nocturnal visits to the local nursing college in order to get by. I am writing to my MP about this, and urge you all to do the same.

Yours Aye,

Col (Retd) Bertrand Gussit-Snipher
General Staff (V)
Felcher's Nursing Home for Retired Officers
 
#17
Bertie,

In reference your numerous letters on the subject of the Priory.

My dear fellow, I have noted that considerable amounts of your time has been spent on selfless and important work for your country, time which I am sure both agree could have been expended pursuing more important acts. I have appraised my committee, which not doubt you are fully conversant, that a number of your (to date) nameless compatriots should also qualify for a white feather, for their apparent lack of selfless committment, which it would appear has forced you to committ more of your time serving Queen and Country.

In hounour of this, my Committee will gladly look to ask our Right Honouable Friend deeply pertinent questions at the next opportunity on the exact number of gentlemen who have been forced to seek employment since leaving employment of the Queen. Personally, I find it despicable and abhorrent that a man of your social standing should be forced to associate yourself with any cads and bounders, as well as any members of the working class.

Please give my regards to your good lady wife and son, whom I last saw attending the open day at Gordonstown Lower (Boys).

Respectfully

Gen (Retd) Rupert Singen Bad'Minton-Rackett (ADC, MC (Bar) VIP)
Lord of Rutlandshire-shire
Somewhere to the rear of the House of Lords
 
#18
eye_spy said:
I still cannot get the stench of stale w@nk juice out of my nostrils from the North Sangar in Lisburn. That was 14 years ago.
Well you should have flicked it somewhere other than at the large white heater mounted on the wall.

I now have recalled some deeply buried memories of time spent in the North and Front Sangars at Lisburn.

Do you recall the incident of a soldier who was caught sleeping in the front sangar? He was woken by the footsteps of the Guard Comd climbing the metal stairs. He was still getting dressed (!) when the said Comd entered...
 
#19
hurryupandwait said:
The Mess is huge and I cannot understand why there are so few bed spaces inside it? Maybe it's to store all that Crypto, eh lads! :wink:
No, it's the UFO Hangar that takes up most of the room. :alien:
 
#20
Howayman said:
eye_spy said:
I still cannot get the stench of stale w@nk juice out of my nostrils from the North Sangar in Lisburn. That was 14 years ago.
Well you should have flicked it somewhere other than at the large white heater mounted on the wall.

I now have recalled some deeply buried memories of time spent in the North and Front Sangars at Lisburn.

Do you recall the incident of a soldier who was caught sleeping in the front sangar? He was woken by the footsteps of the Guard Comd climbing the metal stairs. I was still getting dressed (!) when the said Comd entered me from the rear
Really Howayman, how very enlightening! :lol: :lol:
 

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