Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare >but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what >you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the >water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. >You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It >makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in >perfect harmony with it. > > > >The Beer Dump > >Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too >many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a >sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog >that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill >advised..... > > > >The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag) > >Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all >day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel >like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a >Japanese Flag". > > > >The Empty Roll Dump > >Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty >cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could >use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" >Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same >conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer >kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. >Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks! > > > >The Splash Back Dump > >This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that >washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet >- and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. >Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping. > > > >The Childbirth Dump > >This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature >for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it >hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if >you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper >headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are >only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. >Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it. > > > >The Machine Gun Dump > >Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace >when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the >tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the >floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn >commies. > > > >The Sound Effect Dump > >You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are >within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the >disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At >the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet >2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of >your favorite opera. > > > >The Cling-On Dump > >You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You >grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the >little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned >peach between you and the water below. If only you had some >scissors....... > > > >The Whole Roll Dump > >No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole >roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is >consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal >supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever >it takes. > > > >The Encore Dump > >Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about >to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must >therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven >encores..... > > > >The Houdini Dump > >You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down >the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as >you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the >next person who comes in.