The perfect dump

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Hussar, Jul 27, 2005.

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  1. Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare
    >but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what
    >you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the
    >water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion.
    >You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It
    >makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in
    >perfect harmony with it.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Beer Dump
    >
    >Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
    >many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
    >sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
    >that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
    >advised.....
    >
    >
    >
    >The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
    >
    >Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all
    >day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel
    >like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a
    >Japanese Flag".
    >
    >
    >
    >The Empty Roll Dump
    >
    >Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
    >cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could
    >use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?"
    >Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same
    >conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer
    >kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
    >Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
    >
    >
    >
    >The Splash Back Dump
    >
    >This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
    >washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet
    >- and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
    >Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Childbirth Dump
    >
    >This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
    >for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it
    >hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if
    >you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
    >headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are
    >only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3.
    >Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Machine Gun Dump
    >
    >Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
    >when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
    >tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the
    >floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn
    >commies.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Sound Effect Dump
    >
    >You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
    >within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
    >disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At
    >the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet
    >2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of
    >your favorite opera.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Cling-On Dump
    >
    >You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
    >grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
    >little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned
    >peach between you and the water below. If only you had some
    >scissors.......
    >
    >
    >
    >The Whole Roll Dump
    >
    >No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
    >roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
    >consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal
    >supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever
    >it takes.
    >
    >
    >
    >The Encore Dump
    >
    >Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about
    >to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
    >therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven
    >encores.....
    >
    >
    >
    >The Houdini Dump
    >
    >You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
    >the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as
    >you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the
    >next person who comes in.
     
  2. Top post, brought back lots of memories :lol: but not the one about anal sex... 8O
     
  3. Not sure about the Sound Effects Dump - personally I prefer to be ostentatious about it if I feel a noisy one coming on. So, no distracting noises off, simply unleash with all your might and main. If it works well, you produce a noise like a flock of starlings taking off, stench to match, then hurry up and bugger off before anyone else recovers the wit to emerge from their trap and find out which shameless lunatic just deafened the bog population.
     
  4. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    One missing is the 'Shrapnel Dump'

    A meal night before in which sweetcorn is a main ingredient.

    Result - bowl splattered, pockmarks left on porceline, piles being 'flicked' on exit by said undigestible sweetcorn.
     
  5. what about the snake dump, the one that you walk away and it unrolls behind you
     
  6. Yes Auld-Yin

    I agree, how come them damned sweetcorn never digest ;-)
    Could prob argue the case of why do we always have carrots in sick lol :)
     
  7. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    This is one of the mysteries of life like,

    How do sardines know they are big enough and the right shape for the tin when they thow themselves in the net?
     
  8. Now that is a mystery! But has a sardine ever made you run for the loo? cut you short?
     
  9. The Caesarean Dump!

    Like the childbirth dump, but much much worse. Just as you are thinking surgery might required, out it pops with a trail of "afterbirth".
     
  10. The Menstrual Dump:

    Perhaps prompted by excessive peanut consumption or a particularly bad case of the farmers.

    When exiting the anus, this nail-bomb tears the soft and engorged blood vessels surrounding the hoop, creating a red mess reminiscent of the monthly female ordeal. Thank God the average human is incapable of bending far enough to look at the raw red oozing wound - severe traumatic stress could occur!
     
  11. You think that's bad? A watery, beer and chili inspired napalm dump with flaring hemorrhoids can be one of life's more unforgettable experiences. People have committed suicide for less.
     
  12. The Guiness turd;

    It take 193 seconds to lay the perfect Guiness log, but leaves you with an arrse like a marmite pot
     
  13. No that's taking a John Thomas up the hoop that does that. Do you want to tell us something???

    :D
     
  14. The Cleanbreak dump;
    drops out with no fuss and leaves no residual shite to wipe off yer ring-a cleanbreak always a pleasure to have!