The Office Mong

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by fish-head, Jan 16, 2006.

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  1. Apparently I am a bad person.

    We have a mong in the buliding. He doesn't do anything important, sort of works for the mailroom and does generally mong duties. Last week the weather around here was pretty bad, so much so many of the ferries were off, thus isolating said mong from his monghouse on a pennisula.

    The local ferry company thought they could make one last crossing, so mong boards vessels and they slip out into the deep brown sea. The poor Master had got in badly wrong and about twenty minutes later, they're back against the wall, pax disembarked. So mong bounds into the office complaining about not being able to get home

    My problem was that I suggested I take mong boy home, now I wasn't going to rape him, I wasn't going to beat him up (frankly, he'd take me), I was going to chuck him out the car, at speed in one of the more isolated Scottish glens I would have to have passed on my way to his house. No-one knew this was my cunning plan and for some strange reason they didn't understand me humour.

    Once again the ferry operator comes good and offers them a bus. Unfortunately he got on the transport and made it home. Such a wasted opportunity.
  2. You are a very bad person. But then, seeing as you are a grubby matelot deviant I am not surprised.

    I bet you were dying to bury yourself up to your backwheels in him, weren't you? Being bummed by the Booties from the FPG at Faslane not any fun anymore?

    I hope you at least stapled his lower lip to his forehead, and stuck a carrot on a stick, just out of reach of his mouth, before handcuffing him to a shopping trolley outside Lidl.

    Anyway, you were happy, you got to drive the frigging sunshine bus the ferry company laid on didn't you?
  3. You should have taken the office mong home with you, Just imagine all the fun your minifish could have had with him after you have taped him up with duct tape.

    Instant bouncy castle, great.

    Now where can I find one. Do you think they will notice if I steal one from asda. Tempt them away with donuts and stickies???

  4. I like the way you think, Ting-Tong. Seriously, though, such a creature could prove invaluable in the home. If you have children, however, castration may be necessary. Then you'd have a loyal house-mong. He could fetch beers, and even serve as a makeshift ashtray. And you could feed him any roaches or rodents who happen to share your dwelling. Instant pest control. With proper training, he could even be taught such household tasks as cleaning the toilet (by tongue, of course). And your mong could provide endless amusement during holidays. You'll shriek with laughter as you watch your mong "bob for french fries" at Halloween. And you'll howl with glee when you see your mong fall for practical jokes such as "the razor blade in the pudding." :twisted:
  5. Yet more from the office mong.

    I was in having my morning crap, and sitting comfortably enjoying a few minutes away from the dull inanity that is my existence. When I hear the door slamming someone mumbling to themselves and the next trap's lock sliding across.

    Mongboy then proceeds to cough up flem and hacking it into the apparently unflushed loo, queue more noises. The most unpleasant bit is when he is having his turd he starts to make those massive sighs of satisaction a la bisto adverts. A little difficult to concentrate on my masterbation when all this hoo haa is going on next door.

    I can only assume he had finished as he starts to rip sheets and sheet of bog roll. Not just once, not twice... four bloody times. He is a wee fat mongster as TT correctly alluded but he arrse cannot be that big!

    Fcuk it says I, and gets out my mid morning break runined.
  7. To train your mong, you could use one of those electro-shock dog collars, or a simple pellet gun could do. If it's not too disgusting, and you're drunk enough, your mong could even serve as a sexual outlet. You'll need a sturdy pair of pliers to yank those teeth out though, in the event your mong has a seizure mid-suck. If it's a male, and you're drunk enough, sh*t, just flip him over, put a wig on the back of his head, and pretend he's a she.
  8. You miss my point, he IS a mong, big cranium (funny pattern on it), walks slightly funny and has the IQ of say someone who works in a mailroom.

    Get a job you like mongboy!
  9. Do they let you lick the stamps as well or do you have to wait until you are promoted for that?

    Does it count as community service?

    Can I play with the franking machine or do I need an engineering degree for that?

    Not being sarcastic, I am genuinely interested in a career as a Written method containmet logisitcs empowering operative. Are the wages good? Do i get a company cart? Can I have a hat? Do I have to change my name to Pat?

    So many questions.
  10. Admit it tossser you have the hots for the office mong, why else would you devote so much of you time to him you fuckin perv, I bet you are even on list 66
  11. Am I wrong in thinking this is a mong?
  12. This is a mong.


    In other words, mongoloid. It's difficult at first for a yank to grasp this level of humor, but once you do it's fcuking hilarious.
  13. I was shooting for subtle, Brian...
  14. I haven't quite mastered subtle yet, but I'm working on it.
  15. Take your time. I've worked on it for years. Or perhaps I wasted my time. Oh welll... :D