The nipper's poignant homework.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Nov 10, 2012.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    My nipper came home from school on Friday full of trivia, facts and info about Remembrance, Armistice and the significance of the Poppy.

    We spoke some more about it and was chuffed to fuck that she was genuinely interested and full of eagerness to learn.

    For her homework, she has to right her own poem or prayer, to be read out in front of the class on Monday. Immediately the mind set about words that rhyme with 'Tomorrow' 'remember' etc, then after a while I was wondering if ther was a phrase that could accompany 'that cunt from the Somme, he owed me a tenner'

    Off you go people, Your poetry and prayers please. I need some help :)
    • Like Like x 1
  2. We walked among the crosses
    Where our fallen soldiers lay.
    And as I listened to the bugle
    I wore my medals brought from eBay.

    The Padre led a prayer
    We stood with heads bowed low.
    I thought of fallen comrades
    That I had never known.

    They came from every city
    Across this fertile land.
    That I might live in freedom.
    Pretending my boots have seen sand.

    I felt a little guilty
    My sacrifice was small.
    I changed my picture to a poppy - and joined the groups on Facebook
    But these men lost their all.

    Now the services are over
    For this Remembrance Day.
    To the names upon these crosses
    I just want to say,

    Thanks for what you've given
    No one could ask for more.
    I've boarded the mourning bandwagon
    For I am a grief whore
    • Like Like x 17
  3. I'm a civvy scum who didn't join the Army
    My best mate Fred has drove me Barmy

    He went to the Somme whilst I tried to be a Walt
    My girlfriend Sierra saw a picture and wants his salt

    I sent him a naked photo of Sienna in the Buff
    He bet me a tenner he would shave her hairy Muff

    I told him I want the photo's to share with the blokes on ARRSE
    He said for a tenner he would shag her up the arse

    When he returned from the front line he shagged my sweetheart Sienna
    He doesnt have any photos..'that cunt from the Somme, he owed me a tenner'

    OK sorry PG im shit at poems.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. There was an Old Woman from Nantucket,
    Who had to Piss in a Bucket,
    His Mother said Jack if you don't put them back,
    And pissed all over the ceiling!
    And Some cunt owed me a tenner.

    What do I win?
    • Like Like x 1
  6. I got shot, I owe you a tenner
    And now i'm dead
    I was the last bloke
    That knew the colour of the shed

    The shed was a colour
    A colour of origin unknown
    I am dead, shot clean in t'ead
    And my final whistle has blown

    Down here on the Somme
    On that tenner I will not default
    Cause I bet on the Potters to have a good'un
    Stoke 1 QPR nil Result

    So for the tenner
    You can claim on my will
    All left to my auntie Fanny
    And her husband Bill

    Yes I am that cunt
    That owed you a tenner
    Go back to the front
    And I'll see you in heaven
  7. 'My dad is a man called Porridge Gun,
    There was dust in the room, he said,
    when he saw what at School I'd done.

    I know what he meant,
    my heart swelled at stories of men, for my freedom
    whose life were spent.

    At what they'd done
    I was so proud, so when I'm older a soldier
    can do me up the wrong 'un.'

    As an aside, I am quite chuffed your nipper's school is even covering it. I'd be less surprised to hear of them being encouraged to wear white poppies or to think about how bad soldiers are.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. On yonder hill, there stands a Walt,
    He's nay there noo,
    He's gone,
    And still owes me a fucking tenner

    Apologies to Rabbie Burns
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Brilliant - I hope you don't mind me nicking it. I am pretty sure most of those who will be in my thoughts tomorrow would have a giggle at it too!
  10. I went into a public ‘ouse to buy a pint of beer
    The publican, ‘e ups an’ says, “We serve no squaddies here”
    The Daily Mail’s campaigning closed ‘im down with much affray
    It’s a good thing no-one knows I’ve never served a single day.
    For it’s ‘Heroes’ this an’ ‘Heroes’ that an’ freebies everywhere
    ‘Taint my fault I’ve got asthma, life just ain’t bloomin’ fair
    If not for my astigmatism I’d have slain a horde of foe
    So, in my imagination, it’s as if I’d had a go.

    I went into a cinema dressed up in DPM
    An’ said I’d earned free tickets ‘coz I was really one of THEM
    They told me that I had to have a valid “Modd-ninety”
    Is that any way to treat the third man on the balcony?
    An’ it’s ‘Ghanners’ this an’ ‘choggies’ that an’ more made-up squaddie slang
    Giving folks the strong impression that I’m more than wot I am.
    An’ it’s bedsits this an’ Aldi’s that an’ a life that’s dull an’ gray.
    Except this coming Sunday when my VC’s on display.
    • Like Like x 9
  11. "I wandered lonely as a cloud
    o'er trench and smoking ruin"
    A Engineer told me before he died,
    In voice both clear and loud, but
    The Great War was his undoin'

    With saps and mines and counter-mines
    With tetryl, trotyl and guncotton accruing
    And tunnelling, sapping beneath the lines
    His tales were chock full of derring doing
    And relevant to the times

    So pull up a sand bag and buy me a drink
    The Engineer said, and a tale to you I'll tell
    Of shell and shot and barrage from hell
    And of gasses that kill by smell, oh and
    A girl called madame Schnell

    I listened raptly to the Sappers tale
    And then he made his bid
    I'll get the beers for us in sonny Jim
    If you will but lend me ten quid
    I nodded eagerly as I needed some ale

    I counted 200 shillings into his grimy fist
    Before I knew it, both us were pissed
    I'll pay you back next pay day the hoary Sapper hissed,
    But I never saw the cunt again, my tenner sorely missed.

    The years went by and I became old and grey
    But I never forgot the Sapper of that day
    I was sure we'd meet
    And my tenner I'd greet
    But the twat he stayed away

    And then one wet Novembers day
    With solemnity and sad procession
    I attended on the eleventh hour
    The Cenotaph and remembered my obsession
    And the Sappers name

    And there it was, carved in granite, for all the world to see
    Sapper Jenner died 1918' now is just War debris
    I raised a glass to him that day, with comrades older than me
    (Not many)
    Age shall not weary him nor the years condemn Spr Jenner
    At the going down of the sun and in the morning
    I will remember him, the bugger owes me a tenner!
  12. I met him in France, in 1916,
    He was a Kingsman, scowly and lean.
    I was fresh off the boats and ripe for the slaughter,
    I joined to escape, after marrying Taff's daughter.

    I got to the staging area, wet through and damp,
    And made for the only hut graced with a lamp.
    Inside were Kingsmen, Fusiliers and more,
    the next words to hit me were 'shut the damn door!'

    We drank some French wine and dreaded the front,
    cursed the Germans and referred them as cunts.
    I chatted to this Kingsman, his name was Jack,
    He was from Manchester and built like a rack.

    I lent him a tenner, for his money ran dry,
    He swore he'd meet me, either here or the sky.
    The next day the Kingos moved to the front,
    And I thought for sure my money was safe with the runt.

    At least if he died, I'd grab it from his corpse,
    I'd never rob the dead but with him no remorse.
    As it happens, he survived, dodging the reaper,
    shame the bloke's a cunt, and prob'ly a peeper.

    Next it was at Verdun, snowy and cold,
    The twat had some balls, he was far too bold.
    It wasn't just the Frenchies being bled white,
    There was my fucking pay packet, which was fairly shite.

    Now the trenches are gone and the dead all are still,
    The war is over but my debt lingers still.
    This bastard he owes me, and will do forever,
    So punch the cunt from the Somme, for he owes me a tenner.
    • Like Like x 1
  13. IF I should die, think only this of me;* **
    That there's some whiff of a foreign clunge*
    That is for ever with me. There shall be* **
    In that rich musk a bitter taste concealed;*
    A taste of English beer, shaved, made square,
    *Bet that tenner to love, her wails and moans,*
    A body to love no Englishman would dare,* **
    But I was that cunt, and the tenner's mine, agreed by some.

    Fuck me - that wasn't easy.
  14. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    4 year old came back on Friday from Nursery with one of those reward stickers, asked why, because she had been quiet for the 2 minutes! So there definitely some schools very much doing it.

    Any way.

    There was a young squaddie from Ballintyne,
    Whose mum was a terrible whore,
    She said who's next?
    You're that cunt from the Somme,
    You still own a tenner from last time.
  15. Brotherton Lad

    Brotherton Lad LE Reviewer

    That time of year again
    Mist, dew, forgotten men.
    Rank upon weary file,
    Adrift in blood and bile.

    What should we think, who live?
    Could we such valour give?
    Be they brave or dour,
    This was their finest hour.

    There's one I do recall.
    I could not let him fall.
    Used to be a lender,
    Cunt owed me a tenner.
    • Like Like x 2