The New Navy

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by ugly, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Details have been released regarding Britain 's next generation of

    fighting ships: the Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of

    the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

    Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the

    21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and

    guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment,

    equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

    They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively

    bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest

    comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced

    with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down

    on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will

    be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have it's own onboard

    industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the

    latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

    Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with

    Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!

    All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come

    equipped with a maternity ward and creche, situated on the same deck as

    the Gay Disco.

    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed

    in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation

    for "Rum, Sodomy and the lash"; out goes the occasional rum ration which

    is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains this has now

    been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be

    available but only by request.

    Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except

    Capstan Full Strength.

    Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be

    replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

    All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and braille.

    Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards

    or moustaches, even the women.

    The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial

    British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is

    considered to be offensive to minorities.

    Sea Trials are expected to take place soon, when the first of the new

    destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission it will be

    escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on

    the south coast.

    The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain

    Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the

    hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the

    Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Marines.

    The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of

    modern thinking they were also capable of being up graded to comply with

    any new legislation. His final words were " Britain never, never waives

    the rules!"

    Shamelessy nicked from an e mail this morning!
  2. Oh go on Ugly, while you are at it, why not re hash that Richard Littlejohn PC version of the Battle of Trafalgar that was the toast of Internet dullard a few years ago?