Clearly, all right thinking ARRSE members are 100% in favour of armed intervention in Zimbabwe. Decent folk being slaughtered by animals is justification for a shooting party. When it's blood of our blood, it is incumbent upon us all to 'do something about it'. However, the Government can't just charge off and do what it likes. Well, it can, but it has to invest heavily in an elaborate subterfuge with the unwitting help of Fleet Street, preferably involving a truly horrifying bogeyman like WMD, or an evil dictator. Or both. So, I have cobbled together an Attack Guidance Matrix for BLiar. This Government is bedevilled by inconsistency. This matrix should simplify matters a great deal, without the need for expensive lies. Probably. THE ATTACK GUIDANCE MATRIX This matrix informs a decision for war. It is not designed for Command Support procedures. If you want that, spend Â£2.4bn on a crap radio system and fcuk your blokes lives up that way. Answer each question honestly. Use a pencil. You may not slip into an office in Whitehall in the dead of night and try to change your answers. You may not then start a fire in that building if you believe you are caught (spare a thought for all those nice new chairs which cost 4 Infantry Bns). Each question can be answered in the following ways: a. Yes. b. No. c. I don't know. Scores for each question are at the end of the test. No peeking. Q1. Can the average Sun reader find the country you wish to invade on a map? Q2. Does the country have an evil dictator? Q3. Is there any chance you can install a puppet regime by means of a Civilian Security Company, preferably one with links to Eton and the SAS? Q4. Does the country have any oil? Q5. Does the country possess any other exploitable mineral wealth? Q6. Are the lives of white people at risk? Q7. Do you have enough soldiers, tanks and planes? Q8. Are you prepared to lie to the House about this affair? Q9. Does your wife think it's a good idea? Q10. Is President Bush going to let you do it? SCORES Q1. Yes = 1 point. Not good. Those armchair Generals will give you a hard time if it all starts going badly. No = 2 points. Good news - plough straight ahead. The whole escapade can be denied if it starts going awry. Don't know = 0 points. You are clearly in the MoD. Q2. Yes = 2 points. What are you waiting for? Oh, hang on.... No = 1 point. So what? Move on with the test - there must be something else we can use. Don't know = 0 points. You clearly work for MoD. Q3. Yes = 0 points. No point spending money on a war is there. Save all that lovely cash for more holidays in Italy. No = 2 points. Great - let's dust off our best suits for the declaration! Don't know = 1 point. Find someone. Q4. Yes = 2 points. Why are the boys still sitting on the apron at Brize???? No = 1 point. Hmmmm. Any chance MI6 can procure/invent intelligence suggesting they have? Don't know = 0 points. Are you a Sun reader as well? Q5. Yes = 2 points. This just gets better and better. The OpO practically writes itself! No = 1 points. This offensive is running out of steam. Don't know = 0 points. I don't suppose your advisers are sponsored by GD(UK)? Q6. Yes = 2 points. Let's get the chaps into the Herc. Get the leeches in Fleet Street stood by to capture lots of shots of brave heroic soldiers clutching sobbing women, who can't believe their men are off for the 4th op inside 18 months. No = 1 point. Don't worry - we can dress it up as a Peace Enforcement Op. Don't know = 0 points. I suggest that you look toward your constituency, see how many white folk you've got, and re-answer the question. Go on, you're the Prime Minister. Q7. Yes = 2 points. And you're a liar. No = 1 point. Blame CDS when it all goes wrong for 'advising you badly and putting his life peerage before the lives and safety of his soldiers'. Don't know = 0 points. You're screwed. No-one in MoD will give you a straight answer either. Q8. Yes = 2 points. Mr Prime Minister - you are a born War God! No = 0 points. Poof. Don't know = 1 point. Plenty of time for you to consider the effects of your actions later on.... Q9. Yes = 2 points. Great, now she thinks you're a studly warrior king as well! Back of the net..... No = 0 points. Mate, get a grip of the ho. Don't know = 1 point. Crack on anyway - just make up a story about a mate from Uni to explain the late nights at the office. Q10. Yes = 2 Points. Full speed ahead. This is your highest priority! No = Minus 100 points. Put your train set away and BE QUIET UNTIL SPOKEN TO! Don't know = 1 point. Hadn't you better get permission before doing anymore planning? RESULTS Less than 0: How long till you learn - the UK does nothing without Bush's say so!! 0 - 10 Points: I wouldn't bother. 11 - 15 Points. Risky. Is this an election year? 16 - 20 Points. That pesky country is as good as gone! .