ISLAMABAD. Pakistani officials are in shock after examining a collection of pornography allegedly owned by the late Osama Bin Laden, with some traumatised investigators saying that the stash contained thousands of pictures of womens naughty bits, such as eyes and ankles, while many of the most depraved images are alleged to show women reading books and driving cars.
According to 2nd Lt Fishy Bob Junior Jnr of the assault group that stormed Osamas compound, Navy Seals had assumed that a large stash of magazines and photos found under Bin Ladens bed had been favourite knitting patterns cut out of Burqa Weekly and Home and Martyr.
However, he said, Pakistani authorities had gone bat-shoite after being handed the materials and discovering that they were profoundly pornographic.
Rear-Admiral Brigadier Air-Viscount Field Marshall Wasim Al-Waqjob of the Pakistan Defence Force confirmed that he had experienced an involuntary voiding of his bowels after taking custody of the images.
It was the most horrific smut Ive ever seen, he said. There were ankle-shots, posed and candid, the whole hideous quasi-limb flagrantly poking out from under the burqa.
There was full-frontal, mostly wrists, noses and earlobes, fairly mainstream smut if youre into that kind of filth.
But, he said, a locked suitcase had contained images of almost unimaginable vileness.
There were photographs of women reading books, he recalled with a shudder. And opening their own bank accounts.
He said a third photo-album had consisted entirely of auto-erotica images of women driving cars.
Meanwhile, Pakistani picture analysts have spoken of the difficulties in sorting and processing the found materials.
According to team leaders, Sheza Goa and Butnekkid Laydi, the analysts have each been assigned fragments of pictures to prevent accidental exposure to moral decay.
However, one mysterious image has so far proved largely impenetrable.
We identified what seemed to be the uncovered face of a woman near the top of the page and bare feet near bottom, so obviously we performed Pre-Emptive Moral Vaccination on these by shredding them and distributing the shreds to colleagues, explained Goa.
But the stuff between the face and the feet has us totally stumped.
He said that there was a strange expanse of pinky-brownishness with two side-by-side lumps sort of in the middle, and a little patch of hair a bit lower down.
Its almost like a man with two horrible swelling on his chest and no penis, said Laydi. Short of it being a photograph of a victim of some nuclear disaster, we just dont know what were looking at.
According to Laydi, one analyst had had a hunch that the picture might involve some horrific female abomination, but initial questioning of women had proved bloody.
Asking a woman a question kind of results in her speaking to you, which obviously means you need to defend her virtue and honour by stoning her to death in the break room, explained Laydi.
Its tricky, and progress is slow, he added wistfully.
Indeed. Rob Riggle. HE was a "reporter" on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for a number of years. If you can find it (hard to do outside the US) the piece he did about the hippies trying to shut down the Armed Forces Recruiting Office in Berkeley, CA is awesome.