The Nations Favourite Filthy Poems

#1
On an unconnected thread about Damien Hirst, in another forum, Shortfuse has been putting his lyrical talents to best use for all of ARRSE to share.

It got me wondering. I have a fair few filthy poems in my mental back catalogue and wouldn't mind collecting a few more, the filthier the better, really.

Oh, and funny. They've got to be funny.

One of my favourites is from the popular skit on Blaxploitation movies 'I'm gonna git you sucka'. A must for all lovers of film, if only to see an early Chris Rock in a fried chicken sketch.

In one scene, Superfly, a pimp played by Antonio Fargas, wins the Pimp of the Year by reciting a poem entitled 'That Bitch better have my money'

To cries of 'Shakespeare, man' he speaks

"That bitch better have my money.
Come rain or wind or snow
That bitch better have my dough
Not some, not half...... but ALL my cash.
Else i'll bury my foot, dead in her ass"

I also like to horrify collectors of ribald limericks by chucking the following one in

There was a young man from Mauritius
Who said 'That last fcuk was delicious
But next time I come
It'll be up your bum
Coz that boil on your cu-nt looks suspicious"
 
#2
There was a young man from 'osham (Horsham?)
Who took out his b0ll0cks to wash 'em
His wife said "Jack, if you dont put 'em back
I'll tread on the fcukers and squash 'em"
 
#3
Two randy old men from Jaipore
Went to bugger and f*ck and old whore
The dividing wall split
and the 5punk and the sh*i
flowed out all over the floor

Said a slimy old whore from Silesia
"Seein' how my c*nt doesn't please ya,
You might as well cum,
up my slimy old bum
But make sure that my tapeworm don't seiza ya"

There once was a lass from Piltlochry
Made love to a bloke in a rockery
she said to her chum
"These stones hurt my bum,
this isn't a f*ck, it's a mockery"

There once was an Argie named Bruno
Who said that "there's one thing I do know,
A girl is just fine
A boy is divine
But a llama is numero uno"

There once was a fellow called Thorne
who wished he had never been born
He'd never have been
If his mother had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn

Coat & hat grabbed, taxi waiting
 

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