The most painful thing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Wetneck, May 14, 2012.

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  1. So this morning I was sat there enjoying a nice shit to start the week when I heard the phone ringing, thinking it might be important (well, why wouldn't it be?) I decided to try and get there before it stopped and thus not incur any charges calling them back if I did, indeed, wish to speak to them.

    I reckoned I was about finished with the morning's movement anyway so after a wipe and polish I went to stand up. It was about 35% into the manoeuvre that I realised I really wasn't finished and that if I tried this I would probably be mid call when the inevitable would befall me and I'd ruin an only recently run in pair of Calveen Kleiners (£5 down the market for 15 pairs)

    After the obligatory cry of "abort, abort" I went to sit back down and pick up where I'd left off. Unfortunately in the rush to get up and pull my jeans up the back of my belt had caught on the toilet seat lifting it while I stood, as I sat back down my todger flopped between the seat and the porcelain and before the cold of the toilet on the bottom of my mighty member told me something was wrong the seat came back down and I landed on it with a thud which quickly turned to a girly shriek normally reserved for young ladies confronted with a knife and an errect (but not trapped in a toilet seat) cock, down a dark alley on a Friday night.

    I tried to stand up but my magnificent glans held firm to the lip of the toilet seat like a barbed hook in the mouth of a cold, white predator.
    Still crying like a rape victim half way through an anal intrusion I managed to lift the seat and retrieve my pork sword.

    My poor bruised cock now looks like a mushroom someones squashed in a car door and has retreated so far into my body that it looks like my nut sack has been fitted with a doorbell.

    This was, without doubt, the most painful thing that has ever happened to me and I was wondering what other stories of pain fellow Arrser's could share. The standard "standing on a 13a plug in the dark" is excluded as that's taken as a given, which also rules out childbirth as we all know the plug is far worse and doesn't practice gender discrimination.

    (Currently dry humping a cold pack of peas)
    • Like Like x 5
  2. Breaking my leg, and gaining an extra "knee" was quite high up on the pain scale, but worse for continuous giving were the broken ribs I received thanks to an errant knee in a ruck, not only was this painful in the extreme but when I sneezed about 3 weeks into the healing process the whole lot went again.
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  3. A liver biopsy without anaesthetic was quite bad. That'll teach me to chug Voddies all day.

    But for exquisite pain, try being stung by an Indian hornet. It's worse than a scorpion sting.
  4. Similar predicament to the OP, but the toilet seat broke (cheap lightweight rubbish) on the bog in the airport VIP section in Kigali when I sat down, trapping the tip of my knob. The pain made me kick back, tearing a portion off the tip. Bloody thing bled like mad but I managed to stem the worst of it under the cold tap (undrinkable water but my knob's been in worse places) before stuffing it back in my boxers and making for the aircraft.

    Did the sched and on return to Entebbe I made for the hotel immediately after getting through the airport. Boxers were well and truly welded to my schlong by now so got in the bath and tried to soak them off with hot water. All the pain came rushing back and my pitiful moans were heard by a gorgeous blonde hostie who came in to help me. She took one look at the mess and almost blew her lunch on my lap, before heading for the hills at high speed. This was a good thing - If she'd stayed to help and given me a lob on I may have been the first person to have died of terminal blood loss through a stiffy.

    Eventually got it peeled and more or less cleaned then phoned her and asked her to bring me a first aid kit which I used to patch up the worst damage. Managed to stick most of the skinned bits more or less back in place and fortunately they took, leaving a small scar or two. Peed hunched over like a cripple and whining in agony like a little girl for about two weeks.
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  5. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Do you have a version of this with breaks or paragraphs?
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  6. Happy, darling...?
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  7. I imagine the recovered memory of such an immense penile trauma -immense trauma, we do not know of the penis itself thanfully - would drive out anybody's grasp of grammar or syntax!
  8. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Thank you sweet cheeks. Your original was like trying to read a McNab book.

  9. Not something that should be inflicted on any sentient being.
  10. Gall stones! bloody agony!
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  11. I smashed myself up climbing: three limbs, 5 bones. Jesus it hurt. These weren't "bruising and swelling" breaks, these were "Oh, Christ look at the state of that" breaks. Onlookers fainted.

    Due to having recently eaten I was denied anaesthetics for several hours.

    I kept passing out. I vomited on someone in X-ray.

    It hurt like fuck.

    Childbirth? Fuck off. My wife has undergone that voluntarily twice. There's no way I'd volunteer for massive orthopedic damage again.
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Fucking around playing touch (murder ball) rugby on the astro turf thingy stuff. Took a spill, actually driven into the deck, where I grazed/skun my left knee which included the sand stuff they put in the astro turf. Played on, whereas, after the pt session goes to the RAP to sort out my slight altercation.

    Gets into the RAP, quick check by the duty scab-lifter, "Beagle, we'll have to clean that up mate". "No probs mate, got that 20 you owe me cunt?" You know the drill, standard repartee. Gets onto the slab and ol' mate gets this nail brush thingy which is impregnated with Betadine jibbers. "Sorry mate have to scrub out the sand and shit, it fucking hurts so I'll give you some 'stuff' for the pain." Helping out ol' mate is this fresh outa Heallesville (RAAMC school) a very tidy WRAAC. I reply "nah mate, no drugs." A bit of cajoling from ol' mate and the PTE. "Fucking no way no fucking drugs!"

    SGT scab lifter happens to pass through the ward place thingy and gets told I don't want any drugs for the pain. I can still hear the words today - "If Beagle doesn't want any drugs don't fucking give him any period!" Walks out of ward, then walks back in and says "And make sure it fucking hurts!" Young PTE says "I'm not hanging round for this." And she fucks off. I'm now thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea having this drug free ideology.

    The fucking pain as ol' mate scrubbed was unfucking believable, they have to ensure all the sand and whatever shit is in the wound is gone etc. Yeah, I confess, tears rolling down stuff.

    Bones mend and chicks dig scars.
  13. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Childbirth, PAH! I have got 5 kids and the birth process didn't hurt me once. I even managed to get to the pub within a couple of hours of each arrival.

    Fucking whinging women!
    • Like Like x 2
  14. I reckon a paper cut on your japs eye.
  15. Having my Springer Spaniel put to sleep.