The Morning Fart

Few things match the sense of satisfaction that comes with - The First Fart of the Day. You know, you wake up, crack open the lids, and at some moment in the next twenty or so minutes, you will move in some fashion, and uncork a really long fart, the sort that changes key halfway through and seems to go round corners on its way out. And you are ready to face the Day...
made even better if you shove your girlfriends / wifes head under the covers just as you rip.... then hold them there... :)

aaahhhh what a beautiful day ahead. :wink:

proper naafi topics are back ...great days.
adonwar said:
made even better if you shove your girlfriends / wifes head under the covers just as you rip.... then hold them there... :)
To echo another NAAFI Bar thread...."D-I-V-O-R-C-E...."

The day the Tankie tries to give me a Dutch oven with one of his WMD-grade curry farts, I will have to assume my life is being threatened and file for a restraining order. 8O
adonwar said:
made even better if you shove your girlfriends / wifes head under the covers just as you rip.... then hold them there... :)

aaahhhh what a beautiful day ahead. :wink:

proper naafi topics are back ...great days.
That is tantamount to a proposal of marriage..........
I'm on Folic Acid and Iron due to sprogging, now THAT'S fart fodder!

I've never actually gagged on my own stink before, but the first real 'nuclear' set in after the third days dosage, paint stripper couldn't have done more damage if I’d drank a half gallon!

I'm so proud of my new room-clearing trick, although I do fear being banned from B & Q.

Beebs :lol:
Beebs: Heh. That's the real joy of motherhood.

The First Fart is of course part and parcel of the First Dump, which is one of life's most underrated pleasures (and successfullly ties this to the "Celebration of the Crapper" thread).
blessed baby cakes said:
I'm on Folic Acid and Iron due to sprogging, now THAT'S fart fodder!
I can see what Mr BBC sees in you :lol:
All of us Guinness drinkers greet the new day with a barrage of anally-exhaled horrors.
Eat a few pickled eggs as well, and by morning you will be blistering the Artex off the ceiling :)
Just some facts on cutting the cheese :lol:

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever.
Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?
Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.


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The posts re - Morning farts have been very positive so far. But if, after a night on the razzle, complete with pizza/kebab on top of lots of gas loaded lager/beer, you wake up and feel the first stirrings of a good one coming on - wait - is there something lurking just behind the gas cloud a tad more solid but of the liquid, rather than gas consistency?

You are now faced with the situation of - do I let it rip in bed and chance a follow through, or do I get up and go to the bog for a sit down which may produce nothing other than a blast from the past?

These, Gents are the decisions which separate men from boys. (or in Michael Jacksons case................. allegedy)
i agree this does seperate the men from the boys.

i always find that when in this situation i will let rip but slowly and clenching my bum cheeks together so that if i follow through then there will be minimal splattering of brown liquid on the sheets, so in turn less cleaning up involved.

anyone else have any methods of dealing with the fart / follow through dilemma?
I like to control mine by limiting the rate of gas I emit, just to see how long I can make it last. And yes I do like the smell and I always turn to look at my own poo.
I think Graham Norton said it best when he said:

"Children are like farts. You love your own, and you hate other people's."

Regarding risk assessment: you are the only true expert in judging your fart contents. You know your a$$ better than anyone (unless you visited Neverland Ranch as a kid 8O ) and as such should always listen to that little voice that tells you, "Danger — possible solid." Questionable calls can lead to to err, always, on the side of caution and head for the throne.
Has any1 actually ever followed through?

My bro inlaw was on holiday with his mates, He and his mates were all sitting around the outdoor bar in some hotel one night after having a seafood barbie and plenty of falling over juice and decided to have a farting competition.
After plenty of cheese cutting from them all my bro inlaw let one rip and o'boy did he follow through, ran down his leg (he had shorts on) and every where, all his mates rolling about with laughter he then had to go through the hotel lobby to his room to get cleaned up; problem was there was a dance on that night and he had to walk past most of them in the lobby. Needless to say he didn't come down to brekky next day. Turned out he had food posioning as did his mates and anybody that ate seafood from the barbie, he's been cautious since...


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Has any1 actually ever followed through?

lying in bed one morning, no work so enjoying a lie in, could feel a mild fart coming on. which I let go, and then promptly thought 'hang on...... that feels a bit damp.......' I swiftly rose to see the sight of a fluid resembling in colour and texture (but not smell) thin curry sauce on the sheet and dribbling down my arrsecheek....... ewwwwww.

more recently, I was working the 4-midnight shift ( I work for an IT company in support ) when I had a kebab from the shop over the road for tea. didnt taste very nice, so I left half of it. leave at midnight and go to get the tram, then I've got about a 2 mile walk from the tram stop to my flat (no buses that late). but its a nice night, so no hardship. as i get off the tram, I get a stomach cramp....... but think what the hell, I'll be in in half an hour. it can wait.

only it couldnt............. I got about half a mile away from my flat and there was no stopping it. I ran behind a bush, and managed to get my pants halfway down........... so although some went on the grass, most went straight into my boxers..... I dug out as much as I could and went home, and spent the next hour in the shower, rinsing off the poo stew. I took the next day off as it was still an eye of a needle situation when I got up, and went back in the day after. That night, I thought I'll take no chances, and thought I cant go wrong with a bag of chips from the chinese. how wrong could I be??? I got even closer to the front door this time, but now I'm right near my building and there is NO cover at all. just pavements and streetlights. so I did the only thing I could........... and planted it all in my cords. followed by another hour in the shower, then a half hour of washing my boots where it had collected on them down my pant legs.

I went to marks and sparks for me tea the night after that. :(

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