The menace within the menace within the menace.

Discussion in 'Southern Africa' started by Cutaway, Jun 19, 2010.

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  1. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Trou my, I fervently believe Menace #1 should be placed diep, diep binne Menace #2.

    Menace #3 being this bedornered Soccer World Cup.

    Menace #2 being the doff supporters of the bedornered Soccer World Cup.

    Menace #1 being the fokken semi-official enema trumpets of the doff supporters of the bedornered Soccer World Cup, aka vuvuzelas.

    I should perhaps shoulder some of the responsibility for this as I've been remiss in not whipping up a real African blind, mindless, panga-weilding hatred for these hell-horns, (although to be honest it would be neither blind nor mindless.)
    As we've been victims of the vuvuzela cacophony for a bietjie longer than the rest of the world and are therefore that much more deaf and twitchy around them, so it is only right and proper that we are in the forefront of the Volks Organisasie for Eradication of The Screaming Evil Kakpyp.

    This morning I received th following communiqué from Da Guv'Munt:

    PRETORIA. (or Tswane when we can.)
    The South African government has come out strongly in defence of the controversial vuvuzela, describing it as an ancient African tradition invented in Mexico in 1973. “The vuvuzela is as proudly African as R Kelly, BMWs, Breitling watches and thousands of other inventions from the Motherland,” said an outraged spokesman this morning.

    The raucous plastic trumpets have been accused of destroying World Cup spirit by preventing fans from singing uplifting traditional songs such as Ronaldo Is A Wanker, Henri Is A Wanker, Messi Is A Wanker, and the evergreen German favourite, Rooney Ist Eine Wenker.

    Some teams have urged FIFA to ban the vuvuzela outright, saying that top international stars are unable to hear their coaches shout important tactical instructions like how to breathe and run at the same time.

    However, this morning the South African government sprang to the defence of the vuvuzela, describing it as one of Africa’s oldest and proudest traditions.

    “These plastic vuvuzelas, we have been blowing them back through the mists of time, right back to 2001,” explained Sports Ministry spokesman Monotoni Tshabalala.

    “It was then, the legend tells, that a wandering mystic mlungu called Neil van Schalkwyk was given seed money by the Elders in the accounts department at the magical South African Breweries and lo! The plastic vuvuzela was born!”

    Asked why vuvuzelas were being promoted as an African invention when they were originally designed by Mexican football fans in the 1970s, Tshabalala said Mexico was historically part of South Africa.

    “It’s called incontinental drifting,” she said. “It’s science. You can look it up.”

    She explained that “almost everything” was an ancient African tradition or invention, including BMWs, Breitling watches, and singer R Kelly.

    “Mr Kelly was carved from basalt by the forest spirits of Abyssinia and released from the living rock when it was split asunder by the righteous flatulence of Comrade Robert Mugabe after he had eaten a liberation-burrito made of the bones of BBC agents,” said Tshabalala.

    “As for Beemers, they are made in Bavaria, which used to be part of the Ciskei but since 1994 it’s been run by the Lutheran Church, I think.”

    She said she hoped tourists enjoyed their stay in South Africa, adding that if they had any complaints they were welcome to “blow them out of their arses”.

    “This is our show,” she said. “If you don’t like it you can vokoff back home. Just leave the foreign currency on the nightstand on your way out.”
  2. I always thought that was more to do with swamping.
  3. You learn something new every day, I thought Afica's greatest traditions were AIDS, brutal slaughter of everyone else, turning stable economies into dust, and adorning yourself with as many medals and braid as you slave workforce can make.

    That and telling me they have money to move out of their dead aunt/uncle/employer/cat/dog's estate.

    Oh and chopping off limbs, and rape, and telling everyone who will listen its Britain/France/Spain or Portugals fault, oh and can we have more money please, for "food" which will end up being a 747, with gold taps in the washroom.
  4. sounds like my local council estate.