The Men Commandments

#1
The Men Commandments



Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.



1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.


26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.


33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.


Comments?
 
#2
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

Bollox - never had a meatloaf or "waynes world" moment? Stop copying and pasting american chain letters. If you know the words, and have had a few stellas you sing. Thats why american pish doesnt work, because they find the content of your post funny, it isnt - its yank drivel. You can tell that by the use of the term "if your buddy", now if i callled one of my mates "buddy" he might think i'm gay, and and would probably put me in a state where i cant sing along. Which is the way it should be.
 
#4
I thought it was quite funny.

Boney.

Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.

Mmm, ducky.
 
#5
Haw hee haw !!! gorra take issue wi some o' this shoite


gobshoite said:
The Men Commandments



Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.



1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
Nope, because as the dugs ascending to heaven he's thinking 'wharra f*ck happend there ?' & ' A' bet God treats me better than than that fecker down there did !!

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
This is a 'frapping' moment, no need for tears until the 'mutton frapp'.

- After wrecking your boss' car.
Unless it belongs to her Majesty and then it's a 'Aw feck, no again !!' 'March the guilty fcuker in S'arnt Major'

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
8O A dunno 'bout this wan.

- When she is using her teeth.
Haw naw !! That tickles !!

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
Hhmmm, not sure on this one, so I'll concur.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Nope, I can think of at least fifteen members of my tribe I'd pay for him to murder and even so, as a mate, I'd leave the cnut for 24 hours and not pay more than £20.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
HA!! right !!! gerra grip FFS, his sister will probably be bestotted, 'specially if he's her big bro and if he's a mate he'll understand. Specially if she's tidy. AND the very fecking LAST thing you wanna do is marry the bitch and make your mate your relly !!! Feckin disaster !!! Just fcuk her and keep your friendship.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
Fecking moan on, cheap ba*tard !! He'll moan at you if you turn up with cheap beer for his barbie.(to your face if he's a real mate !!)

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
I concur. Canny even mind my birthday. Stopped doing it when I ran oot of fingers and toes.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
Unless, of course, you're transporting a fcuk off, obese, lazy, t*ating hoo-er of a Tp Cmdr from Tidworth to Glencoe non stop and all he does is snore like a pig, wake up just before every service station so's he can p*ss and buy another dose of stickys and w*ak mags, snort and grunt whiles he's eating and reading and then fall asleep again. Then,I'm afraid, RHTMIB ( Rank Has The Most Important Bladder)

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
Pah, sports for pussies.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Or if it's all thats left at the end of a party and you mix them and have a competition for the most technicolour yawn.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
Hmm, seems to cover everything. OK, I concur.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
I Concur.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
'Specially if he's a skinny cnut and your getting to the 'burly' stage in life. It is permissible, however, to shove a pair of socks into said trunks to draw the ladies eye away from your 'overdeveloped' midrift

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Unless, of course he's trying to trap. True mates will do thier damndedest to make you look like a total cnut in front of any potential shag if you are stupid enough, and it has to be said, ignorant enough, to try to trap in thier company.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
I concur, in as much that blokes who 'love to watch sports' are as pathetic as the over paid mentally challenged puffs that they watch on the football/rubgy/cricket/baseball etc etc pitch. Team sports are, and always have been, a pathetic phallic substitute for blokes with little knobs. You watch your sport boys, us boys with the real knobs will keep the girls busy. !

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If he is stupid enough to take such a woman to such a place one of two things will happen. either
a) He will defend her honour Queensberry rules style, gaining her undoubted gratitute for his honourable actions but, even if he wins, will probably be in no fit state to get his oats.
or
b) Fight like a Royal Engineer and bite, scratch, gouge, hair pull, eye poke, ear chew, nut grab, handbag, sandbag, scrotebag, shovel (RE of course), pick, baton, chair, table or glass his way to victory. But, when he's walking back to his date, unmarked, from a pile of twenty battered Para's lying on the dance floor she will sniff loudly, turn her head away and accuse him of being a dirty fighter. And he won't get his oats.
DON'T take a hot, suggestively dressed woman anywhere near a situation like that. IF you want your oats
.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
EEUUURRRGGHHHH, food !?!? when you're bevvying !?!?! what a bizzare concept !!!!

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
If he's got a six pack which IS'NT beer he's a posing cnut and should be verbally abused.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Or to discover if he's porking her one. If so meet him in the pub and compare notes. Woman are always more whore like when they're having a bit on side. !

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
Given that all men who 'lift weights in the gym' are raging homo, anablolic steroid taking, pin headed, small dicked fcukers I would'ny know. I pass on this one.

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Unless you are standing alone, p*ssing at the urinals and the next guy to come in goes into the toilet cubicle to p*ss. It is premissible to say, in a loud voice 'You one of those shy p*ssers then mate ?'

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
Personally speaking, were I to abide by this rule, my telephone bill would bankrupt me.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
I concur. And it just goes to show that any bloke who says that any halfway decent looking bird is 'just a friend' is a fcuking liar. 'Just a friend' means 'I'd hump the fecking arrse off of you, given half the chance, but in the interim I'll be your 'friend' as this will possibly allow me to create a situation where I can get you naked, whack one up the gorgeously tight pussy your keeping in those jeans, tit fcuk those awesome breasts, and splash your kissable lips with my man juice.' Sorry girls, but it's true.
You CAN be 'just friends' with an absolute minger tho'.


23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
I concur. But, those feckers on the hanging hoops are pretty awesome..erm, coff, coff.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Naw, let out just enough info to make the cnut squirm but don't give him away totally. he'd do it to you !!!

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
ONLY 400 % !!! 'Kin 'Ell !!!


26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
Give her 10 and then go outside and hide behind a handy car/skip/whatever. If she does arrive let the bitch stew and when you see she's about too leave go in and meet her. That makes YOU fashionably late. If she does'nt pitch up ? Fcuk it. Go on the p*ss.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
No problem with this, but, if my mates got the gopper, well..............

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
I concur but also see 18 above !!

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
True. Greedy cnuts.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
What's wrong with pussy ??

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
Bollox !! Stitch him up. He'd do it too you. Get your revenge in first !!

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
If your 'buddy' (gawd I hate that word) needs ass-whooped ?? then his mates should do it too him and engage any common enemy. Unless 'ass-whoopin' means something dirty and Naval. There is a limit !

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
See Boneys reply above.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Erm, OK, WTF, I concur.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
COBBLERS !! See 31 above

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "* OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
And, erm, does that mean you canny shop him to his bird and collect the 'that cheating ba*tard, how could he ' shag ?

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
'Specially if he's bigger and harder than you !


Comments?



I also concur with Boney. Septic humour shoite.I've also spend three hours on this fecking reply. I'm pished. Goodbite.
 

X-Inf

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#7
A-S is back!!!! He must have moved house already.

Where is the next installment of Stumpy v the world?

Get on with it man and stop wasting your time on this gobshoite (ps sorry Gobshoite).

BTW No 24 add Bank Manager
 
#8
The Lord Flasheart said:
I thought it was quite funny.

Boney.

Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.

Mmm, ducky.
Bollox, black balled out of the man club on a technicality :? If i'm now in the girl club, can i have some breasts please, i'm sure the'll keep me occupied :D

Boney
 

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