The Mall Ninja

it's very quiet in here, so thought i would do my bit.

for those who can remember a certain ex-CCF "WO2" on this forum, bragging about the dangerous life of a security guard in Manchester... you know, "i've faced more knives than you have staplers" etc...

you might like this. Shrine of the Mall Ninja » LonelyMachines

grab a brew, kick back and enjoy.

obviously a massive wah, but still entertaining!
**** me, i almost got a piece of bread stuck in my throat I laughed so hard, post some fecking warning for people who read while eating (and eat while reading, drinking etc). You are telling me this guy is for real?
I have not laughed that hard in months. This has to be one of the best threads ever.
it get's alot better than that i promise :D
I could'nt make it past that bit, I was laughing so hard it was impossible to focus on the screen!
As a Security guard in a small shopping Park in the north of England, I love this Guy:rolleyes: and have met his U.K. counterparts on many occasion.:( (Had to escort one Mong off site because he turned up with a can of Pepper spray/Dog reppellent )
I love this bit "Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day."

Jesus .H. "Unruly"! customers and he wants to carry an arsenal. We just push/pull "Unruly" Mongs out the door. If their really kicking off we get one of our tame steroid abusers to sit on them until Dibble turns up.


I read soldierboys"more kit than" post, the link to MallNinja is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

It reads like a cross between Police Academy and Mall Cop, f*cking hilarious. At one point the Mall Ninja, because he can't "carry" at work, when he gets collected from the Mall to go home, by his wife, straps on his 2 personal protection weapons for the journey home.

It is beyond belief.
Mall Ninjas? we are not worthy. I hear they have their own on line forum: mllarrse
Absolute legend, I'll never be able to look at something so simple as a trip to the shops (or their security guards) in the same light again
Should make it into a movie i can see the line man one mall can he save them all MALL NINJA!!!!
Done already see "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" and a film nearer to Mall Ninja is "Observe and report". The latter is quite dark in its humour in places. Both good for a laugh.
I am writing a proposal to replace our current Mossberg-Smith armament with the following:

1) MP5K-PDW with red-dot sights;
2) G36 rifles using SS109 rounds;
3) Glock practical tacticles in .357 Sig
4) PSG-1 using Fed Gold Medal .308
5) Starlight scope for the PSG-1 in case we lose power in the building.
6) Glock 27 backup guns
7) Kahr P-9 holdouts

Glock 27 as a back up weapon! A back up weapon FFS. It's a shopping mall not Kandahar City!

The US and A never ceases to amaze me. Gold Bless America.

CR - what a good find!!!
as i said in the first post... i think if you read it all the way through to the end, you'll probably conclude that it was a massive wah. must be a spam arrser!
Thanks for this CR - food everywhere whilst reading!
I agree ... HAS to be a spoof - surely there aren't people out there who are this unreal.

I did love the 'LonelyMachines' comment:
"At this point, they start encouraging each other. Bear in mind, the derogatory posts from other members are flying around like shrapnel from an Ambercombie & Finch store window being peppered with .223 rounds"

Very Clever!!
Just earmarking this so that I can find it later.


God Jul!
Unlike this joker, I actually did shopping centre security, very briefly, many years ago. My weapon of choice was always the Storno CQP800 (Google it) Forget HK. This little beauty saved the virginity of the mayor's nephew and that of his pet gerbil on more occasions than you wusses can imagine. :)
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