The Lovers Guide to ARRSE Dating, Part I. By Aunty Beebs

Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by blessed baby cakes, Jun 16, 2005.

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  1. The sudden rise in ARRSE publicity has opened the site to a new wave of 'ladies' (and lady boys) looking for a little rough loving. With this in mind I thought I’d short cut the afore mentioned ladies to the reality of the ARRSE reading population...

    And the ARRSE reading population to the reality of these 'ladies' (and ladyboys)... Think Yannie, Shagane, Trillian et al....

    ARRSE Man.

    1. ARRSE men are all Gods, love scuds, hung like donkeys, ready, willing and able to service the needs of any female and her friends either on an individual basis or in-groups of up to 15 on a first come first served rotation....

    2. ARRSE men are low maintenance, they spend most of their day in the gym toning their solid he man physique and the rest of the time is dedicated to the fields of home economics, sensual massage, and Japanese classes on reaching into their souls and releasing their feminine side....

    3. ARRSE men are kind, loving and understanding, slow to anger, and eager to please. They demand nothing in return for their undying devotion and are proud to be the bread winner, insisting their mate stays home and rests never to allow a hair on their head to be tainted by pollution or daily work place grime....

    4. ARRSE men will never abandon their mate and wander into the male world of sport, preferring to sit at home on a Saturday afternoon and watch the old black and whites with you curled up on the sofa with a bottle of red, box of chocolates and a dozen Cleanex....

    Lonely Hearts

    1. SHE is the fit young thing in the picture she posted on the boards 15 minutes after finding the site, honest! Those are her breasts and that is her web site quality smile luring you in, honest, honest, honest!

    2. SHE is willing able and eager to do all the things she dropped hints about while you flirted furiously via PM and MSN.... Yes it was a bummer her web cam wasn't working, or yours for that matter, oh well you have the power of imagination.

    3. SHE does love her boyfriend who is now serving overseas, but she just misses him so much it was a great idea to meet up with single horny guys who understand her needs and respect her in the morning and who, she is assured, are the souls of discretion....

    4. SHE is on the pill, hates children, has no intention of being trapped into a relationship with a serving member and being forced to leave her comfortable existence living in her parents 3 bedroom council house with her unemployed father, chain smoking mother, coke head brother, his heroin addict prostitute girlfriend, their two chav twins, Clint and Coco, her 3 younger sisters, Nan, the 2 dogs, 3 cats and assorted rabbits, ferrets and budgies... and why would she!

    Well I hope this helps, anything I've missed please feel free to share...

    Beebs x :roll:
  2. Unknown_Quantity

    Unknown_Quantity War Hero Moderator

    5 minutes and this thread's got straight into the sticky bin. That's more success for the thread than pretty much all the flirters and courters so far who have gotten no where near anyones sticky bin!
  3. I'd like to thank the academy, my great teachers at school and here on ARRSE, the support of my therapist and the b*stard GP that told me HRT wasn't available on the NHS as a cure for mood swings, C*NT!!!!!!!!!! Oh and the et al girls for their desperation prompting this thread.

    Beebs :evil:

  4. Eh? What's a gym?
  5. You know! Gym!

    Big bloke stands at the end of the bar in The Feathers at lunch time......

  6. Gym? I thought that was some guys name ;-) lol
  7. all so very true well done beebs. x
  8. Do you fancy being ORs_bird for a change?
  9. its a possibility, if you could convince me...
  10. THE TRUTH Behind Lonely Hearts.

    Athletic - flat chested
    Commitment-minded - start choosing curtains
    Communicative - just try to get a word in
    Emotionally secure - on medication
    Employed - has job stuffing envelopes at home
    Exotic beauty - would frighten a Martian
    Fortyish - 48
    Fun - annoying
    Light drinker - lush
    Loves travel - you're paying!
    Non-traditional - ex-husband lives in the basement
    Old fashioned - lights out, missionary
    Open minded - desperate
    Poet - Depressive schizoid
    Rubenesque - grossly fat
    Stunning - up my own arse
    Romantic - looks better in candle light
    Spiritual - involved in a cult
    Wants soulmate - one step away from stalker
    Young at heart - toothless crone

    Athletic - watches football
    Average looking - Unusual hair growth
    Distinguished looking - fat and grey
    Educated - will treat you like the idiot you are
    Fortyish - 52, wants 25 year old
    Free spirit - shags your sister
    Friendship first - As long as it involves nudity
    Likes to cuddle - can't get it up
    Good looking - Arrogant bastard
    Honest - Pathological liar
    Huggable - overweight with more body hair than Chewbacca
    Light drinker - pisshead
    Looks younger - in a bad light
    Open minded - wants to shag your sister but she is refusing
    Outgoing - loud
    Poet - wrote a limerick in a shitter<so true
    Professional - owns a suit
    Sensitive - closet hommer
    Spiritual - had to go to church to get christened
    Stable - Stalker (occasionally)