The Longest Fart

As is the tradition we went out on the lash on the Saturday before Remembrance, so the block was a pretty smelly place the next morning - socks, farts, stale kebabs etc. However, nothing quite prepared us for the reveille that woke us all up. A certain REME full screw who shall remain un-named let rip a fart such as I have never heard before. The volume alone was staggering. Enough to wake us all up and leave the younger, more nervous members whimpering under their pits. It lasted a full ten seconds changing pitch at least four times ending on a high note a bit like the Last Post. And then, when the stench hit us it was truly horrific. It emptied the block. A stampede of half naked soldiery disgorged into the cold November air gasping for breath while the culprit giggled away in his gonk bag wallowing in his own effluent.

I can honestly say that in all my years I have never heard (or smelt) the like.
I've been known to produce lengthy musical farts, reminiscent of Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumble Bee" ......

.... but, of course, mine don't smell.
That man should immediatley be made a Warrant Officer.

Apparently it is written that the quality of a mans air biscuit is directly linked to his leadership and man management skills.
The Longest Fart? Isn't that the tragically low budget sequel to The Longest Day?
Stuck in a remote base down South where resupply was once a year, the constant diet of dehydrated veg, particularly onions, became life threatening. The base was pressurised with methane and smokers would hesitate and take a long sniff before lighting up to avoid launching the place into orbit.

In fact, one silly fecker on another base almost did fly home solo after walking into a met balloon with a lit cigarette hanging out of his face. Destroyed the balloon room and dumped the gas generator on it's arse in the swamp, leaving our hero standing there in his socks sans eyebrows, making him look even more surprised than he already was.
bovvy said:
I've been known to produce lengthy musical farts, reminiscent of Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumble Bee" ......

.... but, of course, mine don't smell.
I'm the Queen of Sheba.
What ever you do, never, ever jump up in the air star fish style and fart.

Your ring flaps faster than Humphrey Lilltletons lips doing vibrato.

It hurts, hurts hurts :D
Blimey, a loud fart that smelled as well? I've only managed that on a few occasions, they're usually either silent and worse than mustard gas, or loud as a 747 and completely odourless! Farts that are neither loud nor smelly piss me off for the whole day.
A few moons ago when my brother was working at Kings we got together a football team of Dentists and Medics and went to Dusseldorf to take part in a footy match with Dusseldorf Medical & Dental School.
We got a self-drive 15 seater mini bus and got the Dover - Calais Ferry. We stopped at Severnum for breakfast where, to a man, we partook of ham and eggs. They were so good we all partook again. The rest of the journey from Severnum, accross the Rhine and into Dusseldorf was spent in a dense cloud of green foul stenching vapour, the likes you've never smelt, it was that bad that CS, had it been foolish enough to try to enter the minibus, would have withered and died. Inevitably when you have a bus load of doctors, being driven by a dentist and with 2 pissed up ex-Army medics in the back you get lost.
One of the doctors had the idea of asking a local so we stopped the bus next to a very broad (at least 10 metres) pavement where a man was sat outside a cafe enjoying his coffee and a cigar. We started to call him over to ask the way when all of a sudden his facial expression changed to one I can only associate with someone who has a hole in their shoe and has just stapped into a mixture of dog poo and manfat and can not only smell it but feel it ouzing through his shoe. He almost passed out and was quite incapable of giving us an answer, not that it mattered because the whole bus was in hysterics.
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