The Little Barstard!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by B_AND_T, Oct 13, 2008.

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  1. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Little probably being the operative word.

    Not working the weekend so I thought I would get the benefit of a lie in. I don't have the opportunity often, mainly because of little B&T's shouting and screaming and running in and out of the bedroom.

    Set the whole thing up before going to bed, DVD queued up for them, breakfast cereal in their bowls ready and the promise of a swimming trip if they would let me sleep in.

    0730hrs BINK I'm awake, normally not a problem, close the eyes and drift off again. Oh No! Someone had a different idea. I woke to to quite an impressive morning glory. "Look it's to early for you to appear, go back to sleep and let me have another hour". Did it hell! It just stood there like a Guardsman on parade.

    I tried the normal tricks like thinking about the washing up, mowing the lawn, Mrs B&T naked, but he wouldn't budge. Right!! Lie on stomach, No, shit that hurts. Lie on my side facing wifey, nothing (perhaps I should have put the light on). Lie on my side facing the other way, nope, again nothing, apart from having the bonus of not being able to roll out of bed.

    After nearly an hour of tossing (excuse the pun) and turning he was still there.

    Ok Ok, I will have to sort this out. Options? 1. Wake the wife.....Nope I was sober and didn't have a hangover. 2. Knock one out where I was......Nope. If I was going to do this I was going to do it properly and enjoy it and not risk Frankensteins Bride waking up. 3. Raid my porn stash for inspiration, disappear of to bath room, lock door and enjoy the moment (If slightly resentful of him because he woke me up). Yep that would be the one.

    After 5 minutes of stumbling around the bedroom looking for my stash. Trying not to wake the wifey or shut me knob in the cupboard.

    Next step of operation is to move from bedroom to bathroom without kids seeing. Open bedroom door carefully, peep out. All is quiet, good the little gits arn't awake yet. Quick double check that Mrs B&T hasn't woken up, re-check kids, still quiet! make dash to bathroom.

    Mission accomplished. Into bathroom, lock door. OK! quick kit check.

    Lucky wank towel..Check (Well to be honest it's the wifeys flannel, I just tell her it just dried soap)
    Door locked..Check
    Post wank smokes..

    What the fuck! Where the hell did that go. I'm sure I had it when I got in here. Had a good look around but it had gone.

    Again not a problem. I had all that I needed (well apart from the stiffy) but that was sure to reappear after a little pursuasion.

    Would he hell! A good 1/2 an hour of beating him into submission, an interuptions from the brats.

    "Dad, are you going to be long?"

    "Gnnrrr uummm uummpphh, NO! Go away"

    And nothing. I swear the bloody thing was shrinking, like a turtles head going back into it's shell, and I am convinced he had a little smile on his face.

    "Right you little twat, your on your own now".

    Throughout the rest of the day he kept on making little appearances. I didn't give in though, a quick flick on his head and he would go into hiding again.

    I feltl that I had a small victory over him, but as the weekend progressed I felt more and more uncertain.

    Who won?
  2. mwl946

    mwl946 LE Good Egg (charities)

    Thank you B and T!!
    That little missive ensured my abs had a good work out from suppressed giggles!
  3. Many a true word said in jest.
  4. Your porn stash is obviously to well used and the little gut cant stand the sight of some gopping 20 stone Naafi beasts flange any more.

    Suggest you destroy your old and tattered collection and invest in some new up to date products. While your at it, it might be worth upgrading to a higher class product, or alternate version like dwarf porn, to get your rocks off
  5. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I'll have you know it's all quality stuff recently bought from a decent German adult shop.
  6. You went wrong when you locked yourself in the bathroom. Danger Wanking's the only way forward!
  7. Aww poor B and T!!! Once the giggling had subsided I felt genuinely sorry for you, which must mean that your part time soldier won.

    I think the best thing to do would be to lube up your hand and your todger, make a half closed fist whilst looking at a nice bit of lady garden , then fcuk the fist keeping it quite tight to begin with.

    If you want free lube give me a shout, I have accidently ordered to much and currently have 200 individual single use sachets that I need rid of.

    Hope your are back to normal soon.

  8. Accept it, you are either past it, or judging from the lack of responce you got from decent hetro-grot, you are gay.

    So, its either small blue pills or albatrossing the village people for you fella...................
  9. Phone porn....and remember to put the sound for me :)
  10. I've tried crackin one off in the bathroom but it's tuff to stay on topic when the little gits outside the door are pounding "daddy, daddy, I need the bathroom".
  11. the response to "daddy, daddy i need the bathroom" is "Go piss in the kitchen sink!"
  12. Congratulations - you have reached that point in every soldiers life where you have become completly desensitized to hardcore pornography. You are going to hell.
  13. Congratulations???? That's a scary place to be!
  14. I tell my boy to go pish in the garden.
    B + T, try anal masturbation, make the little fella jealous, he’ll never jack again…
  15. I find that it helps to get me off if I don't lock them out of the bathroom...

    ... which reminds me of a joke;

    A female psychology student is conducting a survey to discover what men do with their other hand while masterbating.

    The first man she asks says that he holds a pornographic magazine.

    The second man says that he holds a remote control. When she enquires why, he says it's to control his porn DVDs.

    The third man replies with "a bar of soap". Intrigued, the interviewer asks why he would hold a bar of soap while masterbating. He replies with...

    ... "I'm bathing the kids!" :twisted: