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The Joy of Statistics

#1
Like an alcoholic who suddenly has a moment of clarity or a rapist who has a road to Damascus conversion and decides to lay off the slappers and switch to 13 year olds, I have discovered the ‘Joys of Statistics’

In my job I have to own up to bullshitting for a living, unfortunately I have to endure the daily stench of paradigm shifts, innovation, reform and other assorted spaf disguised as original thinking. After reading yet another analyst report that says the answer to everyone’s economic woes is to sell more and spend less (excellent conclusion there, only £250k for the report) I realised that underpinning the obvious was the creative use of statistics.

72% here, 29.78% there, it’s great and is quite possibly the greatest tool in the bullsh1tters armoury equably applicable in green, light blue, dark blue or pinstripe.

Endeavouring to join this elite club of statistical athletes I now liberally sprinkle everything I do with statistics and whilst marking me down amongst normal people and a tedious bellend with all the social skills of cockroach on a rape charge, amongst my peer group I am a towering force to be reckoned with. Not withstanding that 75.2% of the statistics I use are in fact made up on the spot I firmly believe that like full stops and commas, we all need to make more use of statistics in our lives.

Starter for ten;

1.
Only 4% of people admit to having sex with a woman with a disability. Is saying no a disability; especially important when assessing the statistical returns from the Royal Green Jackets.

2.
I also know with equal statistical certainty (89.45%) that should anyone ever dare to post a picture of a nipple, it will be followed by a misshapen kebab shot within 9.4 posts

3.
On a recent survey 57% of people said they had sex at least once per week but this only applies if the person you are having sex with has a name that doesn’t end with JPEG

4.
I know with high statistical certainty (76.45%) that if anyone mentions the Royal Engineers or in fact anything at all to do with ammunition, drinks, joining up, the defecation habits of a Australian dentists with syphilis or blu-tak, Dinger will slag off RE EOD

5.
The average number of sexual partners in the UK is 9.8, exactly who are the 0.8 and are they included in Item 1

6.
54% of Canadian men use sexual lubricants to make sex less painful for their partners, just one question; WHY

7.
The median time for people to present to emergency departments with rectal foreign bodies is 24 hours, the range being 6 to 48 hours

8.
Catholic women consistently achieve higher statistics for anal and oral sex than Buddhists or Protestants

9.
In the state of Washington you are more likely to die from acute peritonitis caused by having sexual intercourse with a horse than being killed by bees.

10.
67% of all statistics are made up



So how can you use the power of statistics and do you know of any relevant statistics?





By the way, this was my feeble attempt and having a non tits/arrse thread in the NAAFI, personally I only give myself a 13.56% funny factor


EDITED TO ADD

67.27% of ARRSE users would like a spellchecker to work in their posts

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD

I am 100% certain I am cack at spelling
 
#2
Meridian said:
I know with high statistical certainty (76.45%) that if anyone mentions the Royal Engineers or in fact anything at all to do with ammunition, drinks, joining up, the defecation habits of a Australian dentists with syphilis or blu-tak, Dinger will slag off RE EOD
The statistical certainty is only that low because I know feck all about the defecation habits of a Australian dentists with syphilis or blu-tak.

And as you've mentioned them - they're a bunch of cunts.
 
#4
Statistics show that 68.3% of the ARRSE population would prefer civvies not to post in the NAAFI.................................




















































































...................so I wont reply Meridian 8O
 
#5
mwl946 said:
Statistics show that 68.3% of the ARRSE population would prefer civvies not to post in the NAAFI.................................


...................so I wont reply Meridian 8O
Carry on being amusing, MWL, and you can still play with us.

Young Meridian is in the dunce's corner until he learns how to spell "statistics". :D

Litotes
 
#7
Litotes said:
mwl946 said:
Statistics show that 68.3% of the ARRSE population would prefer civvies not to post in the NAAFI.................................


...................so I wont reply Meridian 8O
Carry on being amusing, MWL, and you can still play with us.

Young Meridian is in the dunce's corner until he learns how to spell "statistics". :D

Litotes
Thank you Litotes :D
 
#9
meridian said:
2.
I also know with equal statistical certainty (89.45%) that should anyone ever dare to post a picture of a nipple, it will be followed by a misshapen kebab shot within 9.4 posts
Definitely showing your statistical virginity there. Any good statistician will tell you that at least ONE Of these figures has to be a round number, for example:

2.
I also know with equal statistical certainty (92.35%) that should anyone ever dare to post a picture of a nipple, it will be followed by a misshapen kebab shot within 10 posts
 
#15
30% of road accidents are caused by drunken drivers. Get rid of the sober ones and save 70% of all accidents.

90% of all motorists are caused by accidents.
 
#17
Litotes said:
meridian said:
Check my edit ....

Red faces all round
5 minutes on the naughty step and then you are to say "sorry" to all concerned.... :D :D :D

Lits
Only after he learns how to spell 'relevant' correctly. 97.6±0.1*% of people know it has a 'v'.

*Obviously, the margin of error is larger in the Paras.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#20
meridian said:
In my job I have to own up to bullshitting for a living
Canape?

meridian said:
unfortunately I have to endure the daily stench of paradigm shifts, innovation, reform and other assorted spaf disguised as original thinking.
You say unfortunately? Why would that be unfortunate, when you admit to taking wedge for bullshitting? Embrace the bullshit, or go live in the woods and mutter to Wodan. Or become a parking attendent.

meridian said:
72% here, 29.78% there, it’s great and is quite possibly the greatest tool in the bullsh1tters armoury
One of them, one of them Brother. As a self confessed Bullshitter you will know we have many tools in the box. As we say in the Bullshitter Corps, "Jade Goody can cover a shedload of truly tragic news".

meridian said:
Endeavouring to join this elite club of statistical athletes I now liberally sprinkle everything I do with statistics
Splendid. You shall excell my son.

meridian said:
and whilst marking me down amongst normal people
Ah. Yes. May I just stop you there? Thank you. "Normal people"?

One cannot but help feel you have not quite got the hang of this 'statistics' malarkey, what?

My office. 08.00 tomorrow. Lets have a chat, eh? Hob Nobs, Jaffa Cakes or Rich Tea?
 

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