The Joy of Statistics

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by meridian, Mar 5, 2009.

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  1. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Like an alcoholic who suddenly has a moment of clarity or a rapist who has a road to Damascus conversion and decides to lay off the slappers and switch to 13 year olds, I have discovered the ‘Joys of Statistics’

    In my job I have to own up to bullshitting for a living, unfortunately I have to endure the daily stench of paradigm shifts, innovation, reform and other assorted spaf disguised as original thinking. After reading yet another analyst report that says the answer to everyone’s economic woes is to sell more and spend less (excellent conclusion there, only £250k for the report) I realised that underpinning the obvious was the creative use of statistics.

    72% here, 29.78% there, it’s great and is quite possibly the greatest tool in the bullsh1tters armoury equably applicable in green, light blue, dark blue or pinstripe.

    Endeavouring to join this elite club of statistical athletes I now liberally sprinkle everything I do with statistics and whilst marking me down amongst normal people and a tedious bellend with all the social skills of cockroach on a rape charge, amongst my peer group I am a towering force to be reckoned with. Not withstanding that 75.2% of the statistics I use are in fact made up on the spot I firmly believe that like full stops and commas, we all need to make more use of statistics in our lives.

    Starter for ten;

    Only 4% of people admit to having sex with a woman with a disability. Is saying no a disability; especially important when assessing the statistical returns from the Royal Green Jackets.

    I also know with equal statistical certainty (89.45%) that should anyone ever dare to post a picture of a nipple, it will be followed by a misshapen kebab shot within 9.4 posts

    On a recent survey 57% of people said they had sex at least once per week but this only applies if the person you are having sex with has a name that doesn’t end with JPEG

    I know with high statistical certainty (76.45%) that if anyone mentions the Royal Engineers or in fact anything at all to do with ammunition, drinks, joining up, the defecation habits of a Australian dentists with syphilis or blu-tak, Dinger will slag off RE EOD

    The average number of sexual partners in the UK is 9.8, exactly who are the 0.8 and are they included in Item 1

    54% of Canadian men use sexual lubricants to make sex less painful for their partners, just one question; WHY

    The median time for people to present to emergency departments with rectal foreign bodies is 24 hours, the range being 6 to 48 hours

    Catholic women consistently achieve higher statistics for anal and oral sex than Buddhists or Protestants

    In the state of Washington you are more likely to die from acute peritonitis caused by having sexual intercourse with a horse than being killed by bees.

    67% of all statistics are made up

    So how can you use the power of statistics and do you know of any relevant statistics?

    By the way, this was my feeble attempt and having a non tits/arrse thread in the NAAFI, personally I only give myself a 13.56% funny factor


    67.27% of ARRSE users would like a spellchecker to work in their posts


    I am 100% certain I am cack at spelling
  2. The statistical certainty is only that low because I know feck all about the defecation habits of a Australian dentists with syphilis or blu-tak.

    And as you've mentioned them - they're a bunch of cunts.
  3. 33% of internet posters allege 675 of statistics are made up...however only 45% of them are correct!
  4. mwl946

    mwl946 LE Good Egg (charities)

    Statistics show that 68.3% of the ARRSE population would prefer civvies not to post in the NAAFI.................................

 I wont reply Meridian 8O
  5. Carry on being amusing, MWL, and you can still play with us.

    Young Meridian is in the dunce's corner until he learns how to spell "statistics". :D

  6. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Check my edit ....

    Red faces all round
  7. mwl946

    mwl946 LE Good Egg (charities)

    Thank you Litotes :D
  8. 5 minutes on the naughty step and then you are to say "sorry" to all concerned.... :D :D :D

  9. Definitely showing your statistical virginity there. Any good statistician will tell you that at least ONE Of these figures has to be a round number, for example:

    I also know with equal statistical certainty (92.35%) that should anyone ever dare to post a picture of a nipple, it will be followed by a misshapen kebab shot within 10 posts
  10. 100% of Arrse users that use Google Chrome WILL have a spell checker within the forum ;)
  11. meridian

    meridian LE Good Egg (charities)

    Oh look, Gail Trimble has just rocked up
  12. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    One kidney punch or two love?
  13. I was always taught "Statistics are a licence to lie!"
  14. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    and how many people say that then?
  15. 30% of road accidents are caused by drunken drivers. Get rid of the sober ones and save 70% of all accidents.

    90% of all motorists are caused by accidents.