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The joy of babywipes

FailyScaley

War Hero
I guess we're all familiar of the almost indescribable joy of babywipes. Whether in the home, field or somewhere less relaxing they offer the gent with a penchant for hoop-hygiene a quick, easy and thorough method of keeping it all squeaky and squared away.

Likewise the surreptitious helmet polish, a little like Dennis Taylor looking over his weird upside down glasses and chalking the end of his cue, the babywipe can have that glans gleaming quickety quick.

So imagine my horror just moments ago when I looked down after depositing my lunch and dinner and cleaning my nipsy up a treat... to look down and actually read the packet.

20160816_205939_resized.jpg


There is no arguing that my cornhole is gleaming. In fact I think it's purer now than the day I was born. But the pain, oh god the pain is excruciating.

I went at my ricker like a bastard so the pain is even inside a little bit after I gave myself a little treat up my pipe.

Wifey is wetting herself laughing. I spend precious little time at real home and the last time I was here that packet on the top of the bog was Huggies sensitive baby ring wipes. How the fuck was I to know?

The pain isn't abating, if anything writing this has made it worse. Wifey has just handed me some Savlon for nappy rash so I'm going to go and apply liberally and hope it puts out the fire.
 
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maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
mind you don't get savlon and deep heat confused. :)
 

Bris

LE
@faileyscaley - I feel your pain. Many years ago, a well-meaning relative wasted some cash on cam-cream removal wipes, which they sent to me before my final exercise in Cyprus.

The pain was exquisite.
 
Go and do something that will get you feet all sweaty. Make sure your socks are well and truly minging. When you leave for your next trip, place said manky sock under her pillow. That will learn her for laughing :)
 

FailyScaley

War Hero
@faileyscaley - I feel your pain. Many years ago, a well-meaning relative wasted some cash on cam-cream removal wipes, which they sent to me before my final exercise in Cyprus.

The pain was exquisite.

Exquisite is an excellent word. It describes it perfectly.
 
That'll stang your hoop.

You want moist toilet wipes, not baby wipes, I haven't bought any bog rolls for years, ( Home Bargains 2 packs for a pound ) . My nipsy is always ready for inspection now days.
 

FailyScaley

War Hero
Go and do something that will get you feet all sweaty. Make sure your socks are well and truly minging. When you leave for your next trip, place said manky sock under her pillow. That will learn her for laughing :)

I was just going to shit on her chest while she's asleep.
 

FailyScaley

War Hero
I just googled 'bleach on anus' and you'd be quite surprised at the results. Some fucking deviants do this deliberately to give themselves a pink ring. Mental.
 
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FailyScaley

War Hero
The Savlon has turned the heat down from 'the sun' to 'burning oil field' so I should be satisfied with that I suppose.

I wonder if all the hairs around the hole have gone grey? I'll have to squat over a mirror to find out.
 

FailyScaley

War Hero
Why are you using baby wipes to wipe your arse?

Do you flush them?

Several reasons:

1) I wasn't entirely happy with the result I was getting with ordinary bog roll

2) When at home I tent to revel in the little things such as not smelling like the inside of a tramp's arse

3) They were there. Or I thought they were at least.

And yes, I flush them.
 
Several reasons:

1) I wasn't entirely happy with the result I was getting with ordinary bog roll

2) When at home I tent to revel in the little things such as not smelling like the inside of a tramp's arse

3) They were there. Or I thought they were at least.

And yes, I flush them.

I've almost made the same mistake, Doris leaves bastard dettol wipes next to the baby wipes all the time.

As an aside she won't buy decent toilet roll so I get to treat my hoop to a swift fingering every few days when my finger pokes through.






I'm not saying I don't enjoy it.
 
Why are you using baby wipes to wipe your arse?
And why are you using them at home? Don't you have a shower or a shop nearby that sells cushelle comfy bum bog roll? On exercise or at a music festival where the bog roll has always been thrown down the shitter I can understand, but at home??

EDIT: Have seen Baz's comment and see it's more a sexual gratification thing than a nod to personal hygiene...
 

FailyScaley

War Hero
And why are you using them at home? Don't you have a shower or a shop nearby that sells cushelle comfy bum bog roll? On exercise or at a music festival where the bog roll has always been thrown down the shitter I can understand, but at home??

I don't need to justify myself or my bathroom habits to you bastards.

I'd post a picture of my flaming hoop if I didn't think it would immediately and catastrophically out me to all the sailors and booties on here.
 
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