The Isle of Skye - whats not going to piss me off?


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I find I must spend a few days near the Isle of Skye, and I wonder whats to do?

Last time I was up that neck of the woods I went to the Glencoe Experience. And discovered that it was not the Campbells who did the MacDonalds. It was the English. It was only the ghost of my dear dead Na-Na, a Chisholm, who prevented me from kicking off and doing their interactive video experience. I have no wish to repeat the experience.

I do not require tourist tat and you can stick your 'Highland Mystery World' OK?

But decent quiet boozers, where they dont start on an honest catle thief from the Borders, or somewhere with a diddly-di band... No displays of ethnic dancing, please. They make me fractious. And anywhere that does fresh scallops. I'm a sucker for a fresh scallop. Straights I am.

Any advice recieved with thanks.
Find a whiskey tour, the rest of your time up there will be a bit hazy
The best thing is that on a Friday night the boozers stay open till the early hours or when everyone has gone home.
On Saturday the guvnor goes round taking your drink out of your hand at one minute to midnight!
"it's the Kirk, ken, we canna serve alcohol on the Sabbath!"
Well there's always the wind, even if you don't own a trendy good life and we keep goats now type wind generator, you can fart anytime and no one will ever know.

Of course when the wind drops there are midges, all the midges you could ever hope to eat. if you can train your midges to land on the upper rota blades the whicker homespun wind generator will continue to turn.

Despite appearances the locals are not all inbred, the priesthood brings in regular new blood.

I believe they now have a traffic light to watch, so crowds no longer form to watch the bacon slicer in action.

The sea gulls only start to scream after 08:00hrs during the week and 11:00 at weekends which is most considerate of them, but they still shit on your head.

The locals are not very reliable, they all suffer from a strange laming aliment brought on by proximity to alcohol in any form. The tide is reliable though, as is the horizontal rain and the leaking welly.

You don't need to read your mail, everyone else reads it before you. Just ask in the pub if there's anything you should know.

After about five centuries your descendants will be accepted grudgingly into the community, they will be invited to swap sheep, bum the young priest and drink anti-freeze.
Ignore Cernunnos - he's miffed that the people of Skye no longer build wicker men and sacrifice to his "old gods".

I would recommend a visit to Portree. Get yourself a nice hotel then roam the town looking for good local produce - Caledonian Cafe is good as is Harbour View; if you like seafood. Then a pub crawl and try the new local microbrewery's products. A ceilidh will then rear its ugly head and you may be able to force your manly charms on a chunky bird whose ideas of "take me away from all this" are usually bounded by "Falkirk".

There are a variety of boat trips to look at seals, whales, fish, seaweed, more seaweed. There are also minibus tours over the Kyle and the island too. It is quite fun to stand next to the sea at Eilean Donan Castle and when somebody stops by you, to nod affably and remark on the WW2 wreck filled with as yet unsafe mortar bombs which lie 20 feet away from you...mutter "I suppose it's only a matter of time before they go off..." then stroll away.


Book Reviewer
Nah, the demented walk among us. And it behoves the rightious man to give assistance. I have chums who work with mental cases, drug rehab, alkies, God botheres, manic street preachers and general nutters. I have PMed Cernunnos with some contact numbers. Let us hope he walks to the light, eh?

Thanks for that. I am hoping for long quiet walks with a pub at the end. With some diddly-dy music and a bit of old crack. No phone, mobile, wi-fi, TV, news, important people, nutters or traffic lights. I am very much looking forward to it.
The drive upto Skye is great as long as it's not raining! try and get to Eilean Donan around dusk the views are fantastic Portree is a good night out went round it on a Saturday and the pubs were packed a few to choose from there's a good restaurant on the harbour cant remember what it's called but it has words with the Gaelic meaning on the place mats well worth a visit you might have to book in advance or wait if you want to visit
Going to Portree is a damn site easier than building a time machine and trying to travel back to the 1950s - but you get the same effect.

Talisker distillery. Top visit.
Plockton is ok but for guaranteed booze, food and haughmagundy...Portree wins hands down. Spent some R&R there in 1996 - got laid by a very nice lassie. Ate my own weight in black pudding. This is not a reference to some bizarre 3 in a bed session featuring 5A.


Book Reviewer
Visit Plockton - a beautiful place with 4 restaurants/pubs selling seafood caught by the local fisherman.
.....and on the way back, call in at the Tingle Creek Hotel.......they serve an excellent lemongrass 40 proof Vodka, which will help clear the taste of the vile single malts the local barstaff seem keen to thrust at visitors.

If you survive the Tingle Creek, waft a little further down the road to the Lochalsh Hotel - 300 whiskies behind the bar, formerly commandeered by the RN as the training base for the X-craft midget sub crews.

Ask for an Irish whiskey - which they will gracefully serve without cracking a smile.

The kippers are excellent too.....

PS whatever you do on Skye , don't cross a McRae.......think "Corleone" and Sicily :)
Never mind the McRae's - it's the bloody McLeods you'll want to watch! Flyer than a barn full of Campbell's and twice as treacherous.
Keep away from the gingers
That might be a wee problemo in Skye...estimated to have one of the higher proportions of gingers in Scotland (national average 13%) at 20% of the population.
That might be a wee problemo in Skye...estimated to have one of the higher proportions of gingers in Scotland (national average 13%) at 20% of the population.
Fortunately the remaining 80% are all red/green colourblind and have no sense of smell....
40% of them speak Gaelic primarily so who gives a fcuk what they can see or smell? Inbred fascists to a man.

Edited to add:

I make it my business to add a bit of my DNA to the Skye gene pool whenever I visit. It is the only way to ensure that the people do not become like flounders with both eyes on one side of their heids and converse entirely in grunts. Like half the population of Kirkwall.

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