HELLO my dear darlings and welcome to the launch of the International Bodyguards Association (IBA) Christmas Fantastaglorious Christmas Spectacular Pantomime In Aid Of Small Brown Children. This year we shall be doing MARY POPPINS, THE BILBO BAGGINS ANAL SEX YEARS. Or maybe Jack and the Beanstalk. We have not decided. But we shall let you know. Our Costume Director, Snail The Wonder Snail wants to do "My dead ginger dog and the fucking tragedy that is my dismal life as a cripple on drugs" but some of the producers feel it may not pan out with the half price schools matinee. So, we are looking for talent. We are looking for stars. We are looking at YOUUUUU. Ideas. Now.