The Grand Slam - Have you?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Stained_Eligius, Jun 6, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. The 'Grand Slam' is rare and rightly so. Only seen seldomly among normal drinkers. Tramps do it on a daily basis so they don't count but how many 'Grand-Slam' club members do we have on ARRSE?

    Just for the purposes of definition a 'Grand Slam' is the involuntary evacuation of stomach, bladder and arrse within a short space of time due to drink. The order is irrevelant but extra points can be given if the 'Grand Slammee' carries on drinking with a log or something softer in his pants.

    The following requirements must, however, be met before an official 'Grand Slam' can be adjudged legal:

    1. All helplessness must be due to excessive partying. Illness does not count.
    2. All evacuations must occur within an acceptable timeframe. For example pishing and puking occur at 22:15. If the final component happened at say, 03:00 it would not count. That's just having a sh#te.
    3. Witnesses should be present although each case can be judged on its own merits with respect to the individual's previous track record.

    Mine happened in Kempten '93 on adventure training after a vodka session turned into a shock session where we agreed that the losing drink always had to be whisky. Eventually managed the Slam in 20 mins. Mates got me into the 4-ton and after a bone-shaking ride back to the lodge the kak was half-way up my back which I only realised the next morning after cutting my pants off :twisted:

    Anyone else?
  2. 40 minutes it took me. New Years eve.

    It was a shameful night.
  3. Just rabbit dropping type jobbie's count towards a "grand slam"?
  4. Been drinking with Gurkha officers. Pish yourself first contests de rigeur.
  5. Not myself you understand, but I do have a work colleague who managed it to great effect, the whole of the bathroom and the landing was covered, he only realised the next morning when he woke up covered in excrement in bed ( and extensive bruising to the body) according to his wife he tried to get back into bed and was given a kicking for his troubles as well as a full weekend of hell. :)
  6. Not really a Grand Slam but it does remind me of a time out on the lash in Southampton with a couple of buddies, one of said buddies had a problem with holding urine in when asleep, no alcohol was needed for him to embarass himself much to the disgust of his girlfriend who often woke to a warm wet bed.
    The evening was swinging and going only too well when pishy buddy upset a group of young oiks, large oik had won a bottle of bubbly and for reasons unknown proceeded to hammer the base of the bottle into my buddies grid.
    Bouncers, police, ambulance, blood, snot, tears. Matey off to hospital unconcious, I get a free ride home in a rozzers BMW(just as well as it was £20 taxi ride back to camp)
    Long story short.

    Buddy had a 4 day stay in Soton hospital but doctors refused to let him leave until he showed 1 night without wetting the bed, fat chance. It took another 2 days to convince the quacks that his condition was considered normal in squaddie circles and was even catered for in the block(he had 2 spare mattrass' in the drying room to rotate with)

    I visited him every night with a 2 litre bottle of water and some porn rags. :lol:
  7. morning after my 25th having a piss in the shower, thought it was a fart and redecorated the place as i was washing my shite away did a technicolour yawn.

    all in the space of 2 minutes not bad
  8. I've never quite made the grand slam, but I did manage to do this:

    Mate's birthday party, age 17 or 18. We go to a restaurant & get bladdered on all sorts (all on matey boy's father's credit card!), and then on the ride home (in the boot of someone else's father's car), a rather worse for wear Stoaty announces that he's feeling a little queasy. Let out the boot, and I stand there waiting for the inevitable technicolour yawn. It doesn't come immediately. Little Stoat then announces that he'd like to "vent to atmosphere", so out he comes, and a good 6' stream of p1ss is produced. Mid-stream, suddenly the awaited yawn happens, streams of p1ss and puke meet midair and mingle before hitting the ground with a splash.

    Oh, what fun days!
  9. I think I mentioned this on a previous GrandSlam thread, but the ‘best’ I’ve managed is 2/3 of this combo on New Year’s Eve 2002 / 2003. Aside from a couple of glasses that other people had taken, my friend Sarah and I consumed 'Loopy Juice' (a punch made of the following)...

    1l Absolut Blue
    1l Archers
    1l Bacardi
    1l Cranberry juice
    1l Orange juice

    ...between 20:30 & 22:30.

    The majority of it we drank from 22:00 whilst playing drinking games… :roll: By 22:45 we’d commandeered a bathroom each and had heads over sinks vomming our guts up (hmmmm, classy :oops: ). One of Sarah’s friends, whom I’d met for the first time that evening, came in to check that I was ok and told me that Sarah had peed herself whilst throwing up. That made me laugh & triggered a whole new barfing spasm which gave me momentary stress incontinence! 8O Luckily I regained control of myself pretty quickly, but there was definitely a little trickle... :oops: :oops: Sarah slept the night cuddling a bucket, I made it into bed ok, although I did have to get out to barf again on several more occasions, but managed to go through the night without any accidents, which is more than can be said for another friend of theirs, who, when we discovered him behind the sofa the following morning, was laying in a pool of urine with his head in a puddle of vomit! :D :lol:
  10. I've managed a simultaneous sh1te/vomit combo, but oddly enough not through alcohol but curry. This was a 'Chicken Bangalore Phal' from the Gate of India on Goodramgate in York, which was excruciatingly hot. My dinner companion for this - who is currently commanding a well-known training establishment somewhere in the UK - suffered similar effects and about two days later, we compared notes.

    We had been building up to a 'curry off' for some time, the result, I suspect, of some kind of primeval ritual display aimed at impressing any birds who happened to be in the area. Eventually, it all came out in the open and we agreed to a showdown at the 'Gate'. The rules:

    1. The hottest curry on the menu.

    2. No more than two pints of lager during the meal.

    3. No poncy pudding afterwards.

    4. The winner is the person who consumes the most of their portion of curry and rice. Ancilliary foodstuffs (papadums, chutney, naans etc) don't count towards the final score unless there is a tie on the curry and rice.

    Anyway, we explained this to the bloke at the restaurant and cracked on. It was appalling: my mouth and tongue felt like they'd been abraded with red hot sandpaper after about two mouthfuls; my eyes were watering; my nose was running; and the wax was spurting from my ears in molten globules. Somehow, eventually, we both finished and the event was declared a draw with honours even. I headed for home, thinking that I would never eat another curry again.

    Anyway, sometime in the early hours my guts, which had been bubbling away in protest since the start of the contest, began to emit loud, sulphurous and appallingly painful farts. My girlfriend's response was to kick me out of bed so I grabbed a book and went to the crapper, on the basis that it couldn't be long before the old post-curry 'flock of sparrows' appeared.

    I was right: after about ten minutes the first wave came over the top but having expected a certain feeling of relief afterwards, I was horrified to discover that it was like squirting boiling nitric acid from my bum. Not only that, but the stench was so horrific that I began to gag. Inevitably, as the next peristaltic wave took a grip, I began puking into a fortuitously sited handbasin which allowed me to perform both actions at the same time.

    The nitric acid turds continued for the next two days and left me a shadow of my former self. My fellow contestant had had a similar experience, although he had thrown up the first time on the way home, but he also later enjoyed the amazing experience of apparently ejecting boiling liquids from both ends simultaneously.

    All of which probably just goes to show something, although I can't think what.
  11. I took my wife to a well known fish resteraunt in london. Had a night of seafood and chablis.

    We had a suite at the Charing Cross Hotel for the night. I must have had a bad mussel or two, maybe it was the crab, or the clams but jesus it stunk. It started with just a little twinge on the left hand side of my gut.

    Then it hit. A stench like Southend On Sea in the early 1960's cam out of my mouth and arsse at the same time, swiftly followed by a tidal wave of sewage, which ran down both legs and was projectile vomited across the bed. After a couple of minutes of this I was so tired that i could not get up and go to the toilet so let go a stream of pish into my pants.

    Doris was running around with towels, sheets, bathrobes trying to clear up, the the stench got to her and she spewed over the tv and dvd player.

    Next morning called duty manager, he called doctor, i get one day and night in hosp on a drip, resteraunt pays for cleaning of room and enough dosh to me to take doris to rome for a weekend.
  12. Happened to me after 15hrs of hard drinking at a bike meet, but on a tour to Bosnia in 98 a fella who was not known for his vast volumes of alcohol intake manged to fall out of his top bunk in his corremec and grand slam on the way down covering his equally pissed bunk mate in his expelled substances.

    Dry for a bit after that he was strangely enough!!.
  13. I know a South African officer who did a Grand Slam Plus (very rare). He went out with his lads the night before his JOTES exam and was not ready for the bus the following morning. Two of us went up to his room and along the way found various items of clothing discarded along the corridor, alarm bells started to ring. Nothing could have prepared us for the sight that met us when we opened the door. He was lying naked on his bed with:

    1. Vomit down his chest and all over his mapboard (needed for his JOTES exam).
    2. A p1ss stained mattress.
    3. Gravy sh1te seeping out either side of his arrse.


    4. His dick in his hand, razz mag and obvious sticky wad of tissue.

    The stench was unbelievable!
    Managed to get him showered and into his clothes but to no-ones surprise he failed JOTES!
  14. :lol: 'kin 'ell Gonzo! That might actually be unique, never mind very rare! I reckon the last thing I'd want to do whilst surrounded by effluent is have a w#nk!
  15. His 'cum face' would have been worth seeing as he let the whole lot go...