The Gospel according to St Fukwit

Following Regtl Carol Service last night, I suddenly realised that if J&M had pitched up at their local barracks instead of an inn, the baby could have been born in G1098.

Presumably, babe would have been wrapped in an old toga and laid in a MFO box

The Shepherds would have been told to "Fek off! We're too busy"

The Wise Men would have been told to Wind their Necks in...

On Good Friday:

AFG 1043
Son of God : Saviour of mankind
Worn out through fair wear and tear
and by looking up into the night sky , the shepherd didst verily confirm that jesus was indeed a starred item.
(gospel of st. norman of the stores)


Yea, and the babe was wrapped in swaddling cloths, for the storekeeper had no clothing of the right size; nor had he any idea when any such might come in; and in fact, saith the storekeeper, why dost thou not feck off and stop bothering him, for he was conducting a hundred per cent check and did not have time for fecking around with wankers like you...
I think it was left out of the first version, but texts found in a cave in Jordan show that the three wise men were stopped on their way to Bethlehem, where a couple of Roman soldiers asked them if they had any buckshee frankinsense.


And three wise men came from the east, bearing gifts for the babe of gold, frankincense and myrhh, and they saith to Joseph, 'We are three kings who have travelled a long road across the desert to see the saviour of mankind, and we have followed yonder bright star which has guided us here', and Joseph saith, 'Ha ha ha, thou hast fallen for that one, thou daft cnuts', and the three wise men were sore displeased, and Joseph further saith, 'I have tied a schermuly to a balloon, thou tw@ts, and thou hath fecked up and wasted thine Christmas leave, how dost thou fancy a Korean knife-fighting course next crimbo?'

(The Book of Squaddie, Chapter 6, verse IX)
Mary gave birth in a barn, so there is still no improvement to MQs.
M & J were on their way to Jerusalem because the Romans had ordered a census to be taken - a policy dictated by Emperor Julius Bliar of Nova Laborum.
And lo! The orderly officer did attend, saith he: "Er hullo CQ, I've got to do a check or something - what's that? CQ why is there a baby in the store?" And verily the 15 year corporal in charge of the store saith "that's not a baby sir, it's the fcuking son of god, and you didn't see him here if you know whats good for you. Now sign here to say the check's done and go and have tea and tiffin in the mess. Sir."

Presently the regt's ladies man, Cpl Two-Combs, wandered hence, "what the feck dyou want? Stores closed" quoth the stores cpl
Thus did two-combs, son of anonymous start cracking on to Mary "who's this?"
"Mary, says she's a virgin"
"Is she fcuk, the lads from mortars were running a train on her in the block last thursday night, her real names airtight anne. And that kid looks like mossy halliwell...."
And Lo! Upon arriving in Bethlehem, M&J asked the shiney-aarsed innkeeper for a 1771 for donkey mileage and missed meals. The Innkeeper spoke in tongues with holier than thou excuses as to why no claim could be made.

The Gospel according to Saint Adjutant General of Corps (Chapter 11, verse IV)
And it came to pass that when the evil King Herod (who was not really a king, but a puppet of the Emperor), heard about the birth of Jesus, he summoned his senior army officers and ordered them to put all male children under a certain age to the sword, explaining to them that cutting the numbers of children would in fact lead to there being more children's feet on the ground. And the commanders were puzzled, but did Herod's bidding anyway, as they were not yet ready to spend more time with their families.

In Bethlehem a blind man came to the stable, dressed like one of the Emperor's men, and claimed that the baby in the manger was his, and that he had forsaken his position so he could see the baby. There were rumours that the donkey Mary had ridden had come from this man, but he denied it.
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