The GOD Channel

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Your_Mums_Pal, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. Any of you ever actually sat down and watched this for more than two minutes?

    It's un-fucking-believable.

    A few pals were round the other night and after a beer or two we were randomly flicking through the channels and stopped there. Had some 20-year old minister running around screaming to a huge audience about leukiemia. He brought people who had family members affected with the illness up on stage and pushed them down onto the floor via their foreheads, shouting that Jesus would heal and stuff. It was fucking incredible.

    The whole time a naff rock band plays a backing track on stage. He's thumping up and down, screaming and shouting about Jesus. Not the way you see those mental reverends and black churches do with soul music and all, more like just a little thin white guy screaming his bollocks off. It was nonsense too, absolute nonsense that he was making up on the spot. The crowd are swaying and holding their arms up in the air, nodding along with him eyes closed.

    I just can't believe they can market this shite, I really can't.
  2. I have this button on the remote control, press it and it turns off.
  3. We were watching it deliberately, mate, to satisfy a curiosity. However, I thank you for the advice.
  4. It's a massive business, the amount of cash they manage to swindle off people is ridiculous. I remember reading some time back about some terminally ill woman with bone or joint disease (?) who was healed on one of those programs, lept out of her wheelchair and ran across the stage. Only to drop dead 48 hours later after her spine collapsed.

    All part of the new wave religion thing, check out The Alpha Course - the ending is almost as fucking mental as Scientology.
  5. "Look onto God's flag (JESUS) and play with the holy spirit that waves. Hallelujah!"


    Attached Files:

  6. Wrong place I know but....................promise to put in the Jokes

    Imagine the scene: Huge ‘goddy’ type theatre full of devoted worshippers all cheering and clapping away. The 'minister' comes on the stage and the hall breaks into hysteria, chanting cheering etc.

    The minister holds out his arms and the crowd quieten, he says "with the power of the lord and the devoted people in this room, today we will cure two people of their afflictions" The crowd go absolutely bonkers and the hysteria is almost contagious!

    Again, the minister holds out his arms and the crowd calms a little, he says "I feel the heeling power of the room and ask for 1 among us to make there way down to the stage, and with power of the lord and goo people in the room we WILL cure them today.

    Silence................. Then, half way up the seating there is movement, a young lad struggles to stand up and with his crutches, he bravely make his way towards the stage. There are moans of sympathy as the congregation see the boys withered legs as he makes his way to the stage.

    “what is your name son?” ask the minister, “Michael, Sir” says the young chap.
    “How can we help you today, Michael?”
    “I just want normal legs like all my friends” the crowd are crying, moaning in pity at the cute little chap

    The minister shouts “With all power in this room and the help of the Lord, we will cure Michael today” The crowd go ballistic, waving arms, hugging other etc. “Michael, you see that screen over there please go and stand behind it”
    Michael struggles over and the crowd are really going off on one now!

    Again, the minister holds out his arms and the crowd calms, he says "I feel the power, can you feel the power? He asks, cheers and shout rebound round the hall “We need 1 more of you to make their way down to the stage, and with power of the lord and good people in the room, we WILL cure them today.
    After a couple of seconds, another young lad gets up and skips down the stairs to the stage, people look around puzzled, he seems OK.
    “what’s your name sonny?” the minister asks
    “Mommmbert”, the young man struggles to say
    “How can we help you today?” the ministers says know the answer
    “I CARMT TOK BROPLY” he struggles out again, and the crowd are Ahhhhing at the sorry site. . “Robert, you see that screen over there please go and stand behind it”
    Bonkers is the only word that describe the scene, the minister is chanting the crowd are chanting and then the ministers holds up his arms… and eventually the hall is silent.
    The minister says “today we will witness a miracle, please stay calm as the power we have generated will have cured these two young mites. “Michael, throw your crutches over the screen!!” after a moments silence the crutches fly over the screen landing on the floor with a clatter!
    The crowd fight to maintain the quiet and cannot believe what they have just witnessed.
    The Minister shouts “ROBERT saaaaay something for us!”
    Silence, and then as the crowd wait with bated breath

    Roberts says…….

  7. Take it this guy didn't figure in it then

  8. Having had a skinfull last night, I was late in to breakfast. Accordingly there was fuckall left but some slimy cold fried rice with "100 year old eggs" embedded in it. The eggs were honking and tasted of ammonia but I needed something to beat the hangover back with, so I scoffed half a dozen. Within 2 hours I was producing an output of malodorous fumes to rival Beckton gasworks. Passing the Muslim prayer room on my way to the biz lounge here at BKK airport, I could see that the door was ajar and there was no one inside. Never having been in a Muslim prayer room, on impulse I pushed the door open and went in. Not much to report in there but after a few moments I was wracked by a series of stomach cramps the like of which I have never before suffered. The cramps were only alleviated by a hugely noisy (and extremely noisome) fart, which went on and on. It started on a high note like someone making comedy farting noises with a balloon and ended with a wet rasping noise slightly reminiscent of a speedily passing high powered Japanese motorbike. The stench was awesome and it clung to everything in the room. I heard the door begin to open and made for it, nodding politely to two incoming bearded believers as I shot out of the room and mingled with the crowd of travellers heading for the duty free shops. Risking a backwards glance a few moments later I saw with great satisfaction that the believers were standing by the open doorway, one of them wafting the door back and forth in an effort to gas passing travellers, whilst the other was trying to breathe through his rolled up prayer mat. A petty victory, but a victory non the less, I feel.
  9. BiscuitsAB

    BiscuitsAB LE Moderator

    I did the Alpha course I found it completely uninformative and very vague and the people there could not answer direct questions. Still at least I got some free brews.
  10. My Nephew did one out of interest, and about two-thirds of the way in, they had a session where people started speaking in tongues, wailing like mental patients and twitching. He found it upsettingly American and did not return.
  11. [video=youtube;UIviufQ4APo][/video]
  12. Those god channels should be the best means of destroying religions around but in spite of the absolute hysteria and madness being pumped into our homes , they survive... Why are so many people gullible?

    They all need a few Christopher Hitchens lectures but sadly I fear that they are too far gone.. The god delusion is like a powerful drug addiction and it will probably lead to worldwide conflict.
  13. Why are so many people gullible?

  14. Revelation TV is my favourite when it comes to laughing at bible bashers - they're all young-earth creationists with a particular dislike of homosexuals (as OFCOM knows only too well!!)

    I posted this following prank on another thread but it would be appropriate to put it here as well.