A bit local for some of you English cnuts (and poofs fae Edinboro) As you are probably aware a massive earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale struck Glasgow in the early hours. At the epicentre in Easterhouse, victims were seen roaming around aimlessly muttering "wheeys keeys are theese". The earthquake decimated the entire area causing about 30 quid worth of damage. Several priceless collections of ashtrays from the Balearics and Tenerife were damaged beyond repair. Three historic areas of burnt out cars, some over seven years old were disturbed. Many locals were awoken before their Giro's arrived. The Glasgow Herald reported that hundreds of locals were confused, bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the loss of Ladbrokes. One resident a Miss Sharon MacLafferty, a 15 year old mother of six said "It was a shock to my little Chardonnay Mercedes. She came into my room crying and put me and Winston off our stroke but my youngest two Tyler Morgan and Brooklyn Romeo Rainbow luckily slept through it all. I was still shaking whilst watching River City the next day". Apparently looting, mugging and car crime did carry on as normal. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of lager into the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have recovered large amounts of belongings including Benefit Books, jewellery by Elizabeth Duke at Argos and finest bone china from Poundstretcher's. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes parcels for those caught up in the disaster. Clothing is urgently needed and amongst the most sought after items are; Fila or Burberry Baseball Caps Kappa Tracksuit Tops (his and hers) Adidas Trackie Bottoms 3/4 length, White Socks Rockport Boots and anything else from the Donnay shop Food parcels must take into consideration local tastes and should include Micro Meals, Fried Mars Bars, Pot Noodles, Baked Beanz, Super Noodles, Sausage Rolls and Greggs pasties for the babies. Special Brew, Aftershock, or Thunderbird would also be gratefully received. Every little helps. Remember: 22p buys a biro to help fill in a compensation form Â£2.00 buys chips with curry and blue Panda pop for a family of nine Â£5.00 buys 20 B&H and a box of Swan Vestas to calm the nerves of a grieving ten year old. Please don't send tents for shelter as the sight of posh accommodation is unfair on the residents of Blackhill and Pollok.