The funny Actions on thread

Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by Cider_Glider, Jan 3, 2006.

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  1. Hi all, I cant be arrsed to trawl through the entire site to find it but I was looking for the thread on 'Actions On' where some funny guy did it for what happens with every arm when encountering a plan.

    Help is greatly apreciated.

  2. Is this it?

    Infantry. Can't read plan but takes it very seriously nevertheless. Fablons plan and issues it on orange card to every man, with Sgts carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar Pl make their own plan, which is heavier, and issue 2 to everyone else in Bn.

    Parachute Regiment. Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation that appears, while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries and leaving ammunition
    behind in Colchester.

    Cavalry. Looks at plan but sees arrows and realises plan involves degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to manoeuvre. Opts to drive off at speed until track sheds and then have impromptu Pimms party. Ad
    hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimms filters. Applies to join AAC as Apache pilot.

    Royal Marines Commando. Pretends to be very laid back about plan and talks about drinking and being naked instead but secretly gets very competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach and hoofing wets.

    Combat Engineer. Likes plans. Takes plan and adds whole new bits, with diagrams no-one else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has a huff
    and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engrs to keep up with pace of everyone else's thinking.

    Artillery. Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans, with numbers, timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and last safe moments. Everyone recognises last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan all guns just keep firing until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have Artillery support feel safe enough to get on with battle and win. Remainder hide under map table until firing ceases then call for ambulances. After firing Gunner officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in the direction of the enemy. Random shots rearward are put down as encouragement to log chain to bring up more ammo.

    Special Forces. Writes plan in pencil on back of "Max Factor Make-up for Boys Compac". Checks for tan-lines and makes sure no-one else has a scooby doo what plan is. Ensures plan is different from one everyone else working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow on novel on exit from service. Places tape over eyes, can't see plan anymore and gets captured by locals - ideal Chapter for novel only if captors can be encouraged to participate in sexual humiliation.

    REME. Happy to see plan but disturbed by lack of attention to Health and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions to take if you get plan in your eye. Reviews plan in light of Investors in People requirements ensuring that all aspects of the plan meet each individual’s medium and long term career development needs in relation to operational objectives. Forwards to RAC / AA Breakdown service for action.

    RLC. On encountering plan immediately looks for Annex on sustainability. If one is present immediately guffaws at lack of detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to avoid having to write one. Says that plan depends on key enablers (chefs, posties, small round blokes with clipboards and Penfold glasses) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan. Goes off for double lunch.

    AGC. Receives plan in envelope, opens it and sticks it at bottom of huge pile of paperwork which includes MMA and Missed Meals claims.

    Royal Signals. Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay strangely silent during
    any meaningful discussion. If questioned J6 rep sucks teeth and says 'Bandwidth' before sinking back into silence. Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weedkiller can halt J6 spread, but J6 mutates into J6/DBM and grows
    faster. Plan stays silent and prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter investigation.

    Army Medical Services. Doesn't like plans because they always involve cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem out.

    Intelligence Corps. Looks closely at plan and assesses its relevance to resurgent Russia. While studying, plane flies into Old War Office. Survivors spend huge staff effort working out how to predict when planes will be
    flown into buildings. Libyan ship with all Irish crew crawls slowly up Thames unnoticed.

    TA. TA declare parlous state of Army means they are more important to plan than ever. Army agrees, cuts them by 30%, spends money on operational welfare package telephones and then cannibalises their kit to get ready for operations.

    RAF. Copies plan onto leg, gets in to aircraft, takes off and then finds leg can't be seen because of joystick. Decides to use initiative and at 20,000 feet starts looking for enemy tanks. Succeeds in finding tank looking remarkably like Chinese Embassy and misses it. Relieved as pilot in aircraft behind, who can see leg, gets Embassy while aiming for nearby Air Defence site. Both fly back and complain about noisy air conditioning in hotel room and lack of streaky bacon on breakfast menu.

    Royal Navy. Only Captain grown-up enough to plan. Everyone else sits at brightly coloured screen pretending to know what plan is. Captain goes to bed early and other officer, not knowing plan is 'not to sail on rocks', sails on rocks. New plan devised called how to sell ship with no bottom to Third World Country whilst fitting in a run ashore in Gibralter and visit by Nell McAndrew .

    Joint Helicopter Command. Draw up plan to get 360 helicopters into air with 400 flying hours. Each time plan close to approval another helicopter crashes. Come up with plan to prevent helicopters crashing but plan and author lost in helicopter crash. Decision taken to undertake urgent review of design of flying suits (pockets / zips / velcro / badges etc.) in light of alarming increase in helicopter crashes based on low pilot morale / "pilot error."

    Defence Logistic Organisation. Looks at potential for plan to offer 3% efficiency measures. Finds none but cuts by 3% anyway. Concludes that most sensible plan involves not buying anything, listing this course of action as 'bearing risk', and then investing in risk management courses. War declared and funds rapidly diverted into courses on Red Face Management.

    Whitehall Warrior. Only interested in plan if it is 'strategic'. Declares strategic plan is most important but can't be bothered to get off bum and write one. Everyone else starts to plan while waiting and by time strategic plan eventually gets written everyone has decided what they are going to do already. Whitehall Warrior then stresses need for strategic plan in next DOC audit and goes for coffee in Starbucks.

    So how much do you recognise?

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  3. Yeah thats the one mate, cheers.

  4. There is a similar one involving actions on encountering a snake. This has an SAS bit in it that goes something like:

    SAS. Ignores Foreign Office direction about Snakes. Makes friends with snake then trains snake to kill other snakes. Submits huge expenses claim.
  5. I had a good laugh at that one.

    Here's the Snake one, American style.

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):

    - Leg: Runs screaming away from the snake.

    - Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

    - Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

    - Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, That's not a kitty cat."

    - Infantry (alt): Ugh! Me See Snake. Me Like Snake. Ouch! Me No Like Snake.

    - Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and a manicure..

    - Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

    - Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

    - SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

    - Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)

    - Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

    - Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

    - Para-rescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snakes life.

    - Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snake)

    - Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

    - Procurement: Orders feasibility and cost study for Mobile Counter-Snake Attack and Deterrence System, tentatively coded the XMCSADS 1-A-2 (the 1-A-1 model was just the idea). Develops prototype with full-tracked mobility, 15-inch-equivalent Chobham armor, and a servo-controlled, laser-guided 11-foot titanium pole (nobody would go near it with a 10-foot pole), with a Y-shaped prong at the end and a teflon-coated, steel cable retractible noose. In field test, prototype causes so much ground vibration that every snake within 100 miles scurries underground, causing the XMCSADS to run out of fuel and be towed back to base before it can even test the capture systems. Developer assures Pentagon that the unit can work if it is upgraded to support nuclear power plant so it won't have to stop to refuel. When word of this leaks out, anti-nuclear activists join herpatologists in picketing manufacture and testing sites. Fifteen years later, Congress is still debating whether to cancel the $300-billion project when a cross-eyed private on midnight watch at Fort Spittoon, Alabama discovers that snakes can easily be killed with a flashlight and a 9mm pistol. The private mentions this to his platoon sergeant, who passes the idea up the chain of command; the private is given a "medical discharge," and the XMCSADS project continues until the private appears on 60 MINUTES, at which point the Pentagon concedes that "while snakes pose a grave danger to the national security, we have been hoodwinked with the XMCSADS project and we intend to pursue legal action against those responsible."
  6. BuggerAll

    BuggerAll LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    How the British armed Forces deal with Snakes:

    1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

    2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

    3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

    4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

    5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

    6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

    7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

    8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

    9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

    10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

    11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

    12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

    13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

    14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

    15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

    16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
  7. 17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.
  8. 18. The Scum: Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes.

    19. Phil Shiner: Travels to snake's location and offers to represent snake in action against the Army, but is run over by armour as indistinguishable from other snakes.
  9. LJH - comes clean on Arrse about how he played with his trouser snake and was betrayed by his adder half.
  10. What about the Tri-Service one that proves joint-ops dont work?

    If the Army is told to secure a building, they get an infantry company dug in around it.

    Given the same order, the Navy send a Leading Hand and two ABs to switch off the lights, shut the windows and lock the doors.

    The RAF, on the other hand, get a two year lease with an option to buy.
  11. :D
  12. On a slight tangent, what was the one flying around some years ago - the MOD answering machine. Cant remember it exactly but went something like, for the Army, press one unless its a wednesday or friday afternoon or something like that. Anyone remember it?
  13. Can't remember that one but I have a cartoon from Grapple days of two UN soldiers in Bosnia being shelled. One of them is on the radio and gets the following message:

    'Hello. You have reached UN HQ New York. The office is closed for the day, but if you stay on the line you may access more options. If you are being shelled press 1 on your touchtone. If they are Serb shells press 2. If they are Croat shells press 3. If your aid convoy has been blocked or otherwise impeded Press 4. If Serbs are blocking you press 5..........'
  14. If you require the RAF press hash - Is that the one?
  15. Gonzo, thats the one - it would be good to see that one again