The funniest war book I ever read.

#1
A mate of mine has written a satirical account of the 2003 invasion of Iraq, which he was involved in, as a recalled former soldier. It comes from a very sceptical and under-enthused perspective and is very funny. It throws a fresh perspective onto it and he's asked me to post an excerpt from it here. It'll be on Amazon in a week or two but is on the publisher's own website at www.trafford.com now. It's called "Nobody's Hero - A Reluctant March Through The Middle East", by LD Jones.
So, here's a part which for me, sums up the failings of the organisation and the ability of the soldiers on the ground to "adapt and overcome". It's a discussion between the author and another over the lack of kevlar plates in the body armour and goes;

"...I've managed to find a use for all that treacle pudding we had left over from the ration packs." He exclaimed, joyfully.
"Yuo should have said, I've been throwing mine away."
"Yeah, so has everyone else mostly but that's about to stop because it's suddenly become a very important piece of equipment."
"I'm staggered, do tell."
"Well, you know that no-one, besides you, for some reason, has managed to get any Kevlar plates for their body armour?" He bagan, patting the newly solid portion of his frontage.
"F**k me, it's true. It will stop a bullet." I replied, patting the solidly packed treacle puddings in the front of his armour.
"Aye, it's a bit heavier than Kevlar but I feel safe in the knowledge that rat-pack treacle pudding is the hardest substance known to man." He declared, triumphantly.
"...I've looked at the Chocolate pudding but that's not as hard. It's pretty tough like but I reckon the treacle's tougher."
"You can actually eat the Chocolate pudding as well."
"Aye but it's a bit chewy. Only if I was realy desperate would I stoop so low."

Now, the humour does get more gutteral and biting but this part, for me, sums up the stupdity of it all, in a nutshell. It's reproduced with the author's permission. Any typing errors are mine. Have a look at it. He's a good lad and deserves a read.
 
#4
Your response goes a long way to confirm what he says about the Americans. Always trying to start trouble. Always better than everybody else. Always right. Glad the Atlantic's nice and wide. Stick with star wars, it's the only good thing I can remeber coming out of America.
 
#6
mudslinger said:
Your response goes a long way to confirm what he says about the Americans. Always trying to start trouble. Always better than everybody else. Always right. Glad the Atlantic's nice and wide. Stick with star wars, it's the only good thing I can remeber coming out of America.
Not sure if you're talking to me there Muds?

If you are then what makes you think I am American? Oh, hang on; could it be the name I use?

If so then can I use the same logic? Are you therefore a Mudslinger by Trade?

You crazy berk! :)
 
#7
Got to concede here that I'm only trying to help a mate out and maybe not doing such a good job. Might try a rethink, dunno. It's not aimed at the Andy McNab types, it's more like Dad's Army or something. It's about what really happens when you send untrained idiots to the front line without any gear. Any advice on promoting a book, by any chance?
 
#8
mediumwhiteamericano said:
mudslinger said:
Your response goes a long way to confirm what he says about the Americans. Always trying to start trouble. Always better than everybody else. Always right. Glad the Atlantic's nice and wide. Stick with star wars, it's the only good thing I can remeber coming out of America.
Not sure if you're talking to me there Muds?

If you are then what makes you think I am American? Oh, hang on; could it be the name I use?

If so then can I use the same logic? Are you therefore a Mudslinger by Trade?

You crazy berk! :)

............ and to take it one step further: That´s not MWA´s avatar, it´s a copy of his last passport photo :wink:

Back on subject. Is the book really as funny as Don´t cry for me Sergeant Major and Don´t laugh at me Sergeant Major ?? I have a sneaky feeling that it may not be. I am however quite willing to be persuaded otherwise. (NOT with a bloody baseball bat round the head though)
 
#9
mudslinger said:
Got to concede here that I'm only trying to help a mate out and maybe not doing such a good job. Might try a rethink, dunno. It's not aimed at the Andy McNab types, it's more like Dad's Army or something. It's about what really happens when you send untrained idiots to the front line without any gear. Any advice on promoting a book, by any chance?
Not a good start methinks, calling your potential audience idiots; I will not be buying!
 
#10
Turfy said:
mudslinger said:
Got to concede here that I'm only trying to help a mate out and maybe not doing such a good job. Might try a rethink, dunno. It's not aimed at the Andy McNab types, it's more like Dad's Army or something. It's about what really happens when you send untrained idiots to the front line without any gear. Any advice on promoting a book, by any chance?
Not a good start methinks, calling your potential audience idiots; I will not be buying!


Good spot Turfs. Perhaps a quick cse on PR would help?
 
#11
Don't Cry for me Sergeant Major is the funniest war book I've ever read. That takes some beating.
 
#13
funniest war book? for me that has to be Spike Milligan - even though it is set in a WW2 battery, I kept thinking "blimey, that is uncannily like "X" or "their battery guide is just like ours!"...

Second favourite for funny is Catch-22 and I would round it off with the brilliant "How I won the war" - which was made into a screamingly good film with Michael Crawford, Roy Kinnear and John Lennon...
 
#14
Private_Pike said:
Don't Cry for me Sergeant Major is the funniest war book I've ever read. That takes some beating.
I thought it was made up bollocks, a couple of the stories were okay but imagine a Lantern Swinging Book made up from the stories found right here on ARRSE, would beat the likes of Don't Cry For Me Sgt Major hands down, go back and have a good read through it, pants comes to mind in comparison to what your average Bill Oddie's collection of stories during 'their' time in the Army is like!
 
#15
George MacDonald Fraser's McAuslan series would certainly take some beating, they're probably the funniest military books I've ever read.
 
#16
Gundulph said:
Private_Pike said:
Don't Cry for me Sergeant Major is the funniest war book I've ever read. That takes some beating.
I thought it was made up balls, a couple of the stories were okay but imagine a Lantern Swinging Book made up from the stories found right here on ARRSE, would beat the likes of Don't Cry For Me Sgt Major hands down, go back and have a good read through it, pants comes to mind in comparison to what your average Bill Oddie's collection of stories during 'their' time in the Army is like!

My bold

Yep, THAT would be a cracking book. Chuck in the Urban Myths as a second volume and ARRSE would be onto a winner ! Part of the proceeds to a military charity perhaps ?
 
#18
Ladies & Gents, can I declare a bias here.

I work with the author, Lee Jones, I have known him for around 3 years when he arrived at our place.

We are both ex squaddies, although I left in 88.

The book is a cracking read, no its probably not the funniest book ever, but a good job for a first attempt.

It tells Lee's story as he was recalled as a reservist for the second gulf war after 3 years out in civvy street.

After a suprise call up & five days training at Donnington he was shipped to Germany to "Back fill" for those going to the gulf so he was told!!

In true MoD fashion after arriving in Germany, next stop for Lee was Kuwait, little kit, no idea where he was going or what he was doing!

Lee was a REME Articifier of some sort (I think), the book tells the story of how on H Hour he was manning the turret of a 4 tonner with a machine gun with the RHA!!! Apparently they did not need articifiers.

The book goes on to tell his experience at the hands of the army/goverment whilst serving as a reservist........

He told the tale to me over a series of night shifts & whilst gobsmacked at how he was treated, having served I was not suprised.

Well worth a read :D

I have spoken to him today & he is at a loss over the original poster, however any publicity is good, so they say.

Any questions over my or his credentials please feel free to PM me.

I fancy the role as his publicist!!!! 8)
SA
 
#19
Firstly, big thanks to Scaley for that and it's fair to say, the mudslinger is off the case, as far as PR is concerned. He tried to help me out on Forcesreunited but got me thrown off for advertising, under my name as well, so he's a big asset, you can see. As it is, I'm not a member of this site and probably won't be in the future, so this will be my first and only post. Yes I'm using his login.
It's not that I bear you lot any malice, although I do have a bit of a problem with Americans, as Muddy suggests, it's simply that I didn't really pitch this book at a military audience. It's not like Andy McNab or similar and I haven't read many military based books, so it won't be like any of those. It's a simple truth, with an undercurrent of ridicule and sarcasm and although it has been well received and perceived as amusing by those who have read the pre-production version, it's not complete comedy. Most people found that above all, the content was simply very surprising and thought provoking.
The reason I didn't go for the military approach is that I was a REME tradesman, who joined to mend things and didn't really give a toss about soldiering. After six years, I'd had enough and didn't really fancy Iraq two years later, so you can gauge that my perspective is quite well removed from that of the usual combatent. This may not necessarily sit well with the hardened veterans among you.
Personally, I've been trying to promote it on facebook and myspace and in the local papers, rather than on here and in other military circles. Now I'd obviously like everyone to buy it, so that I can have a Porsche but quite simply, if you're after a tale of masculine heroism, you won't find it here.
I also understand that there is a question of Muddy and I being one and the same and although it's nonsense, I can understand this perspective. It's a bit like those people who used to write to agony aunts, saying "My friend's got a really small cock..."
Muddy's not a bad lad really. He means well, bless him. Scaley - the job's yours, thanks.
Regards
Lee Jones
 
#20
mudslinger said:
Firstly, big thanks to Scaley for that and it's fair to say, the mudslinger is off the case, as far as PR is concerned. He tried to help me out on Forcesreunited but got me thrown off for advertising, under my name as well, so he's a big asset, you can see. As it is, I'm not a member of this site and probably won't be in the future, so this will be my first and only post. Yes I'm using his login.
It's not that I bear you lot any malice, although I do have a bit of a problem with Americans, as Muddy suggests, it's simply that I didn't really pitch this book at a military audience. It's not like Andy McNab or similar and I haven't read many military based books, so it won't be like any of those. It's a simple truth, with an undercurrent of ridicule and sarcasm and although it has been well received and perceived as amusing by those who have read the pre-production version, it's not complete comedy. Most people found that above all, the content was simply very surprising and thought provoking.
The reason I didn't go for the military approach is that I was a REME tradesman, who joined to mend things and didn't really give a toss about soldiering. After six years, I'd had enough and didn't really fancy Iraq two years later, so you can gauge that my perspective is quite well removed from that of the usual combatent. This may not necessarily sit well with the hardened veterans among you.
Personally, I've been trying to promote it on facebook and myspace and in the local papers, rather than on here and in other military circles. Now I'd obviously like everyone to buy it, so that I can have a Porsche but quite simply, if you're after a tale of masculine heroism, you won't find it here.
I also understand that there is a question of Muddy and I being one and the same and although it's nonsense, I can understand this perspective. It's a bit like those people who used to write to agony aunts, saying "My friend's got a really small c***..."
Muddy's not a bad lad really. He means well, bless him. Scaley - the job's yours, thanks.
Regards
Lee Jones
Sorry, confused of ARRSE here.

Are you saying that the original Poster (Mudslinger) is no longer pushing this book?

If thats the case then how come you are using his/her user name? So the questions have to be - are you related to Muddy? Are you in fact Muddy?

As for PR - what a fecking mess. Have you got yourself a Publisher or is this a vanity job? What's the ISBN number?

Also, who is this chap who joined today to tell everyone how goo the book is?

http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/index.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=79620#1579771
 

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