The Funeral Grand Prix

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by PrinceAlbert, May 28, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Right you crazy arrsers. Today I had my brother in laws funeral to attend to.

    There was a coffin, and the usual malarky.

    Within 5 mins of entering the crem' a lady walks up to the priest and says "Trish says that I need to be by the front" and a row of the other side of the family get moved a row back. Fair enough.....couldn't care less.

    Halfway through the proceedings an old bird in purple velvet walks up to the coffin and places a ribbon thing on the casket next to his riding helmet, and gloves. Although none of us know who she was!

    So...we've had a good drink, and a good laugh and come up with the idea of the funeral Grand Prix.

    So far we have come up with some basic scoring rules.

    front pew - 10 points (-1 point going backwards for each row)

    tissues used (snot value) - 1 point for each tissue used

    Singing - the priest was as usefull at singing as Mirah Hindley was to babysiting - so any song in tune must be worth 5 pnts

    Misc - any "tribute" on coffin worth 5 points

    Bluffing as a Pall bearer worth 10 points

    Puking during service must be wort at least 2 points, depending on who you puke over.

    I look forward to seeing more suggestions in the morning!

    I leave it up to my faithful tinternet friends.
     
  2. Pulling one of the recently bereaved has got to be worth something. 15 points for the daughter, 20 for the widow?
     
  3. How much for the niece of the decedent? Do you get extra for doing her at the wake while the wife is in the same building? My proudest moment that.
     
  4. What would be the point value of going to a funeral then remembering that it's your wedding annivwersary and recycling a bunch of flowers from the grave as a bouquet for the wife ??
     
  5. At least 50 points for the priest falling backwards off his stool during the tribute (yes it did happen) thanks grandad, I could hear him giggling in the f*cking box ;-)

    20 points for an audiable "f*ck me I`d have a go at her" during service.
     
  6. Any points for sneakily slinging flowers from family members / attending gouls you don't like, so yours stand out better?

    Did this when my ex wife sent flowers to my Mothers funeral. :oops:
     
  7. Do you get any points for making knocking noises that sound like they come from the coffin?
     
  8. or points for any skilled ventriloquists to give a 'lemme out you bunch of cnuts!'
     
  9. Calling the (sadly?) deceased a cnut during the eulogy.

    If the attendee's gasp in horror - 15 pts
    If they laugh out loud - 25pts
     
  10. Smuggling a mobile into the coffin and ringing it during the service!!
     
  11. How many points for doing the corpse before it goes into the ground / oven?
     
  12. John Cleese got a few points for the early part of an eulogy -

    Even the family had to wipe away tears of laughter. Michael Palin also spoke and said that he liked to think that Chapman was there with them all that day — "or rather, he will be in about twenty-five minutes," a joke in reference to Chapman's habitual lateness when they were all working together.

    Info from Wiki